Glass House
by Livie79
Summary: Edward and Bella had it all, but one night changed everything. How will they survive when it all comes crashing down? Love, lies, loss...life. This is that story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Y'all know I don't own this.**

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**Chapter One**

**EPOV**

I sunk into her, my tongue swept across the top of her breast―her skin wet, salty, and slick with sweat. Smoothing my hand down her side I pulled her knee higher, tilting her hips up and pushing into her harder, rougher, and so fucking deep.

"Lift your other leg," I coaxed between pants. "Yeah, like that; just like that." I raised my upper body slightly, bringing up my other hand so both were wrapped behind her knees.

"Edward." She gripped the slats on the headboard, her knuckles white from the strain.

"Lock your ankles around me, baby." I slammed into her, her back sliding up the bed from the force of my thrust. I fell forward, moving with her, her legs a vice around my waist. I raised my arm and wrapped my fingers around the top of the headboard, my other hand moving to her clit.

"Touch yourself, Bella. C'mon baby." I rolled her hips higher, burying myself so deep, the head of my dick met resistance.

"Fuck." She cupped her breast, sliding her fingers around her hardened nipple and pinching. My thumb pressed against her clit, my jaw tight as I fought the swelling of my dick, the tightening of my balls, the knots in my stomach.

"Are you close?" I gritted out, never slowing my pace.

"So close, so close... oh, God... so close." Her eyes fluttered open and locked with mine. She was so fucking beautiful, everything about her: her body, mind, heart; and she'd given them all to me.

"Tilt my hips a little more." Her voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes focused on where we were connected, watching as I slid in and out of her. Shifting her up a little more, I prayed it was enough―I couldn't hold out much longer.

I groaned from the change of position, a bead of sweat dripping from my chin and rolling between her breasts. "Like that?"

She nodded, my heart pounding faster as her muscles began to tighten. "I love when you tell me what you want. I love knowing you like it when I slam into you so hard it almost hurts."

"I do love it," she moaned, "do it now Edward, harder. Make it hurt. Make me feel you everytime I move tomorrow."

A deep growl vibrated in my chest as I bit into my lip, continuously rocking into her over and over again.

"Ed-" My name died in her throat as her body stiffened and her back arched off the bed.

Then she was squeezing me, her muscles fluttering wave after wave, clamping down and pulling me deeper inside of her, greedily, possessively. Bright lights flashed and waved behind my lids as I exploded inside of her, my hips jerking with each pulse of my orgasm.

I collapsed on top of her, her legs falling open and limply to my sides―our harsh breaths the only sound breaking the silence.

"Tell me this won't change. Tell me you'll always love me like this." Her eyes were wide, pleading as they darted over my face, searching for reassurance.

"Things won't change." I promised, my voice strong, clear.

She was so worried about the future, about the recording deal I'd just signed, and the separation when I'd be on tour. But she was my everything. I did it all for her, for us.

I pressed my forehead against hers, our eyes locked, our hearts pounding against one another's chests. "I'll love you forever," I vowed, lowering my lips to hers.

It was the truest and most devastating thing I'd ever said.

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**A/N**

**Well hello there lovelies! So this will be the mother of all author notes, I am BEGGING you guys to read it. It's not bullshit, I swear, you need to read it.**

**This story will be turpentine for a lot of people. It deals with a lot of hard limits. I am telling the faint at heart, click the close button now, this story is not for you. I love the shit out of you guys, and I would NEVER blindside you...this is your warning. If you cant handle angst, and straight up heartfail, don't read this. And for god's sake don't flame me, I'm fragile. And I warned you.**

**For those of you who want your heart ripped out, welcome. I say this... I PROMISE NOTHING. Did you hear that? NOTHING. Wanna flounce me? I love you anyway. And I'll be writing a cute romance/ humor love fluff fic after this, catch me on that one. This one...is not that fic. Did I mention I promise nothing? I will also tell you nothing. I love you guys, but I have worked my ass off on this fic, and I love it.**

**Did I mention it's complete? Yeah, it is. But my lovely beta has a life, so I will post on Monday's and Friday's so she can you know...have a life. I have had so many people hold my hand through this, I need to give them props where props are due.**

**Perry Maxwell is my beta- nuff said.**

**Julie, Rose, modernsafari1 , Amber, Ooza, God I love you guys hard. I couldn't have done this without any of you.**

**The next chapter will post tomorrow, then it will be every Monday and Friday. Pic teases will be on my blog that Rose Arcadia helped make amazing. **

**Remember, I warned you guys cause I love you. Remember that.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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**Chapter Two**

**EPOV**

_Four years later..._

"Edward. Edward, get the fuck up, man," Emmett whispered harshly, yanking roughly on my arm.

"Stop," I groaned, my head pounding. Why was I so fucking hot? Why couldn't I move?

"What the fuck were you thinking? This is bad; this is so fucking bad," he said in a rush, his voice shaky.

What had him so fucking worked up this morning?

I tugged on my arm that was trapped under something, pins and needles shooting up my forearm as blood began to flow to my fingers again. I cracked my eyes open, trying to get my bearings―some sense of what was happening.

I looked at Emmett, his face bright red as he continued pulling on me, his eyes wide as they darted to the door every couple of seconds.

Why the fuck was he in my room?

I lifted my other arm, catching Bella's hair in my elbow. I looked down, ready to pull myself free―but when I looked over, the hair caught in my arm was blond, not brown.

"The fuck?" I lifted up and looking at the person beside me― the person who was not Bella―the person who was in bed with me...naked.

"C'mon man, there's still time," Emmett urged.

But he was wrong. It was too late.

What the fuck had I done?

"Edward?"

Bella's voice was no more than a whisper, breaking as my name fell from her lips, heavy with confusion.

"Edward, no."

My head snapped in her direction as everything folded in around us until time stood still. There was no girl in my bed. Emmett wasn't scrambling around the room, arms full of scattered clothing.

It was just us.

She was in the doorway, both hands covering her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Bella..."

"I never thought you would do it. Oh my God, Edward, how could you?" she screamed.

I flung the sheets back, needing to be closer to her, realizing too late I was still naked. She made a strangled sound in the back of her throat; it was like no sound she'd ever made― and it ripped my fucking heart out to know I was the cause of it.

I grabbed my jeans and wrestled them on, watching as she stood frozen, staring at me; her only movement the heaving of her chest. I stepped toward her the same time the girl in my bed started to stir.

"Edward?" she croaked, sitting up, the sheet falling around her waist.

"Goddamn it," Emmett hissed, staring daggers at me.

I flicked my gaze to her briefly before looking away―she wasn't important. I focused on Bella...who wasn't even looking at me. She was staring intently at the girl in my bed―and she was fucking devastated.

God, I fucked up, but I could fix this. This was me and Bella, we were each others forever. She had to forgive me.

"Look at _me_, Bella," I insisted.

I needed her to focus her attention on me, not whoever the fuck the girl was in my bed. She slowly shifted her gaze to me, and I felt the tightness in my chest ease. I just needed her to look at me, focus on me.

But her eyes didn't stay, instead they slowly drifted over the room. I knew what she was seeing: the discarded clothes, the liquor, the drugs, the girl.

This was so fucking bad.

"No, Bella," I demanded softly, "me, just look at me." I moved closer. I could see the dark circles painted under her eyes, the paleness of her skin blotched with bright red spots.

She was still the most beautiful fucking thing I'd ever seen.

"I can't," she whispered hoarsely, her eyes dead, flat.

"You can," I argued, "I fucked up. God, baby, I fucked up so bad, but this isn't me. You know this isn't me." I reached out and grabbed her hand, it was clammy and shaky and everything in the fucking world to me.

"You've broken my heart." She snatched her hand away, her voice trembling and hoarse. "Oh my God, Edward, do you have any idea what you've done?" She brought both hands to her chest and fisted the fabric over her heart.

"I can't breathe, I can't...fuck―" She doubled over, her breathing loud and labored, I knew if she didn't calm down she'd pass out.

I crouched down in front of her, bringing both my of hands to her shoulders to steady her.

"Don't touch me," she screeched, reeling away from me. "How dare you fucking touch me when you still have _her_ all over you?" Her arm shot out and pointed to the girl who sat in my bed, wide-eyed.

At least she had pulled on a fucking shirt at some point.

"Baby-"

"I hope it was worth it." She wiped her hand under her eyes, her face suddenly blank. "Emmett, get me out of here." She turned for the door, Emmett moving behind her, shaking his head sadly.

"Hold the fuck up," I shouted, fear running like ice through my veins. "Bella, no. Wait." I moved to follow her, but Emmett stepped to the side, blocking my path.

"Edward, you've been one of my best friends since we were kids, but so has Bella. I swear to God, if you don't let her have some fucking dignity and get out of this house right now, you'll force me to pick sides. And bro, as mad as I am at you right now, you really don't want that," he warned, his eyes hard, angry.

I swallowed thickly, bile rising in my throat, my heart pounding in my chest. "Emmett, she'll forgive me, right?_ Right_?" I asked, desperate for reassurance. It only took a second for his anger to fade and his face to wash with sadness.

I shook my head taking a step away from him. "No. Don't say it. Don't."

"I'm sorry."

And then he was gone. And she was gone.

Bella.

_Bella, Bella, Bella. _

What had I done?

I stormed back into my room, filled with hate and pain that I could blame on no one but myself.

"Get out."

The girl in my bed stared at me for a second―unblinking... it was almost my undoing.

"Get the _fuck_ out of my house." I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and slammed it against the wall, glass and liquor raining to the floor. She scrambled from the bed, crying and snatching up her things before bolting from the room.

When the front door slammed shut behind her, all that was left was me...and all of the reminders of what I'd done. I fell to my knees, yanking my hair as I rocked back and forth, trying to think, trying to make sense of what happened. Bella's face flashed behind my lids, and nothing could stop the contents of my stomach from expelling from by body over and over again.

I stumbled to my feet, my steps unsteady as I made my way to the bathroom, the bunched rug at the entrance catching my foot. My arms shot out in front of me, but there was nothing to grab, nothing to stop my fall as my head collided with the toilet and everything went black.

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**A/N**

***peeks from behind corner***

**Hi. Anyone still here? I warned y'all! So now that we've got that part out of the way, lets get to the hard stuff!**

**Perry is my beta. Julie, Amber, Rose, modernsafari1, and Ooza throw shit at me.**

**Thank you for the AMAZING response to the first chapter, I am blown away!**

**If you are still with me, then hang on tight. Here is my schedule again. Pic/song tease on my blog and FB page on Sun and Thur. Chapters will post on Mon and Fri. Yes, the chapters are short, don't let that fool you, I've been told they pack quite a punch.**

******I put the link to my blog on my profile page if you want to check it out.**

**Again, I'm revealing NOTHING about where this story is going, what will happen, if there will be zombies, flying unicorns, death, or if there is a HEA. I want all the things to be a surprise! If you want to wait till it's complete, that's okay, no worries, I love you anyway! I'm a wussperv too! I swear!**

**See y'all next week!**

**OXOX**

**Liv**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Three**

**BPOV**

Sick. Devastated. I had to get out of here.

I turned and ran from his room, from him_―_and the whore lying naked in his bed. I made it through the front door before vomiting in the bushes. I felt like I was floating, looking down at this happening to someone else,_ anyone_ else but me.

My chest clenched, and my stomach knotted and hollowed as sorrow sunk its claws into me, ripping at my skin and tearing me apart until I was exposed and bleeding_―_the life I'd held leaking from my soul.

"Emmett," I gasped, needing someone, anyone, to take me away. I could still feel his presence, the pull between us pulsing and yanking at my core, but it was damaged now, broken; just like us.

"Okay, Bella, shhh, let's get you home."

The ride to my apartment was quiet. Emmett didn't attempt to talk to me, and for that I was thankful. There wasn't really anything he could say that would've made a difference anyway.

I'd felt the distance between Edward and I expanding over the past few months. I could feel him pulling away from me...but this? I felt a wave of dizziness roll over me, my eyes losing focus.

What if I had already moved in with him? I felt sick just thinking about it. That new house...it would never be my home now. I'd never plant flowers in the garden, swim in the pool, make love to Edward on the shiny, slick counter tops.

"Let me call Rose at least?" Emmett asked for the hundredth time as he paced my living room. I didn't want Rose. I didn't want Emmett. I wanted Edward...my Edward. The Edward that loved me so much it physically hurt. The Edward that couldn't take a breath without making sure I had one first. Where did he go? What happened to him? To us?

Was it me? Did I do this?

No. No, I didn't. I loved him with every inch of my being, to the bare bones of my soul. And he just crushed me. And destroyed us.

"No, Em, seriously, I just...I need some time to myself okay?" I straightened my back and tried to school my features. I needed to at least appear like I wasn't going to completely fall apart the moment he walked out the door.

"Fine." He sighed. "But you'll call if you need anything?"

I jerked my head up and down quickly, ushering him to the door. "Yes, I promise." I lied. From the look on his face, he knew it as well.

I pushed the door shut, the lock making a soft click when it engaged. I licked my lips and turned in a half circle, not really knowing what to do with myself now that I was finally alone. An eerie feeling of nothingness washed over me, wrapping around me like a blanket. I felt numb, hollow.

Stumbling into the living room, I sank down onto the couch and pulled the quilt from the back before winding it around me. Packing boxes covered the room, some half full of books, movies, and pictures.

I wouldn't need these now. I wouldn't be moving, not yet anyway. Suddenly my body surged with adrenaline, a million thoughts running through my head. I needed to contact my landlord and extend my move-out date, I could handle the rent on my own for a few months, but any more than that, and I'd have to dip in my savings.

The air was heavy, and the room was claustrophobic, littered with the boxes. It was suffocating, like I was half in and half out of my life.

But I wasn't. I had been thrust completely out of all I'd known, for as long as I could remember.

I moved to the stereo and flipped it on, cranking up the volume and spinning around to the middle of the room. Pulling in a deep breath I ripped open the top of the closest box. I'd pack again later, when I figured things out, when I knew where I was going. When things made a little more sense.

For the next thee hours I ripped open box after box, mechanically unwrapping pictures, knick-knacks, and other pieces of my life. Back on the walls, back on the shelves, back to how it was...before. Before my heart was shredded. Breaking down the last box I fell onto the couch and scanned the room again with glassy, unfocused eyes. Only this time the room was cleared, the boxes unpacked and put away, empty. Just like the bottle of wine on my coffee table.

It was hard to believe what had taken over a week to pack had only taken a few hours to undo. I laughed, the sound bitter and angry as I thought about how Edward had taken even less time to destroy a relationship that had lasted for eight years.

I had no interest in seeing or talking to him, but I couldn't help but feel my heart break a little more at the fact he hadn't tried to call, or come beating down my door begging to explain himself.

I stood and walked to the bathroom, going through the motions and refusing to think about tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I had to get through today, anything past right now was too overwhelming.

Crawling into bed I focused on the aches in my arms and legs, trying so damn hard to ignore the ache in my heart. I finally began to drift off to sleep when my phone rang and jolted me back to full consciousness. Butterflies erupted in my stomach the same time shame and anger burned through me for hoping it was Edward.

I wanted him to call; I wanted him to beg, and plead and cry so I could feel vindicated when I told him to go fuck himself.

I snatched up my phone, not bothering to look at the caller ID when I answered.

"Hello." My tone was clipped, angry.

"_Bella?"_

My eyes slid shut as my grip tightened around the phone until the plastic cut into my palm.

"What do you want, Jamie?" I pushed the heel of my palm into my eye, trying to keep my voice level. The last thing I felt like doing right now was talking to Edward's manager.

"_It's Edward, he's um―I had to take him to the hospital."_

I stilled, my mind racing to make sense of his words. Edward was in the hospital?

"What?" I choked, crawling out of bed and pacing the room.

"_I tried to call him all afternoon but couldn't get an answer, so I drove to his house. I found him in the bathroom knocked out. I think he may have fallen; he had a pretty nasty cut on his forehead. Not really sure how long he was there..." _

I sucked in a deep calming breath and tried to stop my hands from shaking. "Is he okay?"

"_I think so. He definitely has a concussion, but the doctors don't seem to think it's anything more serious. They took him back for a CAT scan a few minutes ago as a precaution."_

A switch flipped inside of me the moment I realized he was okay. This wasn't my concern; _he_ wasn't my concern, at least not since the moment I walked into his room and found him in bed with another woman.

"I'm glad to hear he's okay, but Jamie, please don't call me regarding Edward, ever again." My voice hardened in that instant, hurt and anger leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

"_What? Bella, what's going on?"_

A humorless chuckle burst past my lips, and my eyes burned with hot, angry tears as I recalled what I saw this morning. By the time I finished telling him everything that happened earlier at Edward's, my breathing was labored and my chest ached so fiercely that my shoulders involuntarily hunched inward.

"_Bella...I'm―fuck. I'm sorry."_

"Not as sorry as I am." I sniffed, jerkily wiping the wetness from my cheeks. "Listen, I've got to go. Bye, Jamie."

I disconnected the call, not waiting for him to respond. Staring blearily at my phone, my eyes began to droop as the surge of adrenaline tapered off. I fell onto the bed, wrapping my arms around my pillow and breathing deeply_―_tomorrow, tomorrow things would be better.

At least that's what I kept telling myself as I cried myself to sleep.

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**A/N**

**Poor Bella. :(**

**I forgot to tell you guys before, but this story will rotate POV's. Bella on Monday, Edward on Friday. And no, they will not repeat the same scenes, it will be new stuff each time.**

**You guys have been amazing, thank you so much for your reviews, especially the unicorn and zombie ones. I died, seriously.**

**See y'all Friday!**

**XOXO**

**Liv**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Four**

**EPOV**

_beep...beep...beep_

What was that noise? I tried to pry my eyes open, but Christ, everything hurt so much. I licked my dry, chapped lips, knowing I'd have to open my eyes at some point, if for no other reason than to chase down some aspirin with about a gallon of water.

_beep...beep...beep_

What in the hell was that noise? I forced my eyes open, closing them immediately when I was met with harsh bright lights.

"Shit." I lifted my arm to cover my face, only to have it tugged back, a sharp pinch biting into the back of my hand.

Slowly I opened my eyes, trying to focus on the blurry image in front of me. I blinked once as the familiar face of my manager came into view, his head bent over his phone as he typed on the screen of his phone quickly.

"Jamie?" God, my throat burned.

"Hey, man, how're ya feeling?" He pushed his phone into his pocket and sat back in the chair.

"Like shit. Where am I?" Although one look around the room gave me a pretty good idea; I just couldn't figure out why.

"The hospital. You were brought here last night after I found you on your bathroom floor knocked out."

"Where's Bella?" I scanned the room for her bag before looking back at Jamie, whose face seemed to have paled a little.

"Um, she―she's not here." He darted his eyes around the room, focusing on everything but me. "I called her, but..."

"What do you mean? Did she have to work or something?" I tried to remember if she had to work today, or if she had something else to do. But would that really matter? There's no way she wouldn't be here.

"She didn't want to come."

I stared at him blankly―beginning to wonder if he'd smoked something―when slowly the fog began to lift, and the memories from yesterday and the night before came flooding to the surface.

My stomach lurched as bits and pieces flashed through my mind.

"_Sorry, Eddie, they said we're not going anywhere until the weather clears. So we have a least a couple of hours before we can take off." Jasper slurred, his eyes black, blank. _

_I wasn't sure how much longer I could hang onto him. His drug use had never bothered me in the past―we all did our fair share―but when he fucks up an entire guitar solo because he's too spun to remember his intro, well that's a different story._

"_Damn it." I pulled out my phone and sent Bella a text, letting her know my flight wasn't going to be taking off anytime soon, and I'd let her know when I found out more._

"_Callin' Bella, Eddie?" Alice snarked, her face twisted._

"_Don't start, Alice. I'm not in the mood for your shit." I pocketed my phone and stared down at her. I didn't know why she hated Bella so much, but I had no intention of sitting here and listening as she spewed bullshit. _

"_C'mon, man, don't pay her ass any attention, let's go have some of those free drinks in the lounge." Marcus, my drummer, threw his arm over my shoulders and pulled me to the bar and away from Alice before she could respond._

"I have to get out of here. I need to talk to her, explain―something." I grabbed the IV hooked into the back of my hand and yanked, causing all of the sensors in the room to go crazy.

"Whoa, man!" Jamie jumped to his feet and stepped to my side quickly.

"No, you don't understand. Something happened, something awful, and Bella..." I gritted my teeth as I tried to fight back the wave of nausea threatening to expel the bile scorching the back of my throat.

"She told me, Edward. I know what happened. But you're in no condition to go anywhere right now." He wrapped his fingers around my shoulders and pushed me down on the bed just as two nurses burst through the door.

"What's going on here?" One of them barked angrily, shoving Jamie to the side.

"My friend decided he was ready to go home; I was trying to keep him in the bed." Jamie huffed, stumbling back a few steps.

"Look, I have to get out of here; you can't make me stay."

"Will you at least wait until the doctor comes in and gives you the all clear from the CAT scan? You really scared the fuck outta me man."

I clenched my jaw as I stared at him, wanting to tell him to fuck off, but the desperate look on his face made me hold my tongue. "He better be here within the hour or I'm out of here."

"Fine. Yes." He sighed, watching as one of the nurses hooked the line back into the IV in my hand.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the tightness in my chest as memories played on a loop, each one more tortuous than the last.

"_Hey―hey we...we can―the plane now." Ben giggled, before tripping over his feet and falling on his face._

"_You better―you better not hurt your hand. Can't have both of our guitarists fucking up." Marcus laughed, cutting his eyes to Jasper._

"_Fuck off," Jasper moaned, fisting Alice's hair―pushing and pulling her head as he fucked her mouth._

"_You could have some of that if you wanted it." Ben smiled at me while nodding at Alice and Jasper. "She gives the best head I've ever had."_

_I shook my head, tearing my eyes away from Alice and Jasper and ignoring the way the sight of her tits bouncing caused my pants to tighten. "I'll pass." _

"_I don't know how you do it. There's no way I'd turn down all the pussy that gets thrown at you." Marcus hiccuped._

"_Cause I'm with Bella." I shot back, clumsily rising to my feet. I stumbled a few steps before regaining my balance. Fuck, when did I get so hammered?_

"Mr. Masen, I'm Dr. Reeves. How are you feeling?"

I popped open my eyes as the doctor came to stand by the bed, reading over the chart in his hand.

"Fantastic."

He made a humming sound in the back of his throat before continuing. "The results of your CAT scan came back clean. You have a minor concussion, but nothing too serious." He paused for a second and shifted his weight before bringing his gaze to mine. "What does concern me however, is the cocktail of drugs found in your system from the blood tests we ran."

I shook my head and held up my hand, not interested in some lame-ass lecture about drug use. "My scan is clear; that's all I'm concerned about. I'd like to be discharged now."

He stared at me, his lips pressed in a thin line and his brows furrowed with disapproval. "Very well. I'll have the nurse get started on it right away."

He turned and left the room without another word, and I focused my attention on Jamie. "Does the press know?"

He shook his head. "No one has tipped them off yet, but that doesn't mean it won't happen."

"Do I have clothes?"

"Nothing except what you were brought in wearing."

I clenched my jaw before blowing out a harsh breath. "Go to my house and grab me some clothes. Hopefully by the time you get back I can get the hell out of here."

He nodded and rose to his feet, not uttering a word as he exited the room.

I let my head fall back against the pillow as I continued to relive my nightmare.

"_That wasn't because of turbulence, you drunk fuck." I laughed as Ben crawled back into the seat._

"_No, it's because Alice sucked my brains out my dick." He snarked, a lazy grin on his face._

"_You fuckers are disgusting." I eyed him and Jasper as they bumped fists._

"_And you're fucking pussy whipped." Jasper pointed out, pouring another shot in my glass. "And the sad thing is, you don't even know if it's worth it because you've never gotten your dick wet with anyone else."_

_I groaned and slammed back my shot, hoping I could get drunk enough to tune these assholes out._

"_Is Bella really the only girl you've ever fucked? Don't get me wrong, she's hot as fuck, but c'mon man, there's a lot of fine ass out there," Ben added._

"_You guys know Bella is the only girl I've been with; we've been together since we were sixteen." I snatched the tequila from Jasper and drank straight from the bottle, noticing it didn't even burn anymore._

"_Fuck that. You need some strange. Just once. No one would ever find out. Hell, you could fuck Alice in the bathroom right now and no one would be the wiser." I rolled my eyes at Jasper and tipped the bottle to my lips again, my vision blurring as I danced on the edges of consciousness. _

My stomach twisted as the memories came faster, bits and pieces of the night brought to the forefront before being snatched away just as quickly.

"_We're going to a club," someone said. I think it was Marcus, but I couldn't be sure because of the ringing in my ears._

"_Can't. Have to go home." My tongue was thick, my words muffled as I stumbled out of the airport._

I remembered dialing her number and asking her to come out, but she said she was studying. She told me to go hang out if I wanted and to come over when I was done.

The apartment, not the house.

The one I bought for us that she had yet to move into. I'd moved most of my things the past few weeks when I could get home, but she wanted to take her time and finish out the lease. When I pressed her about it, she said it was weird being in the new house alone. She wanted to wait until I was back from touring so we could be there together. But that was over now, we'd just finished our last show. Everything was finally calming down, the tour was done, she was about to graduate, and I was finally going to ask her to marry me.

"_I'll be home later, I promise. I love you." I hiccuped._

_She laughed into the phone. "I love you too, crazy boy. Be careful; I'll see you soon."_

We were in a bar next, and there were pills, coke, and booze, booze, and more booze.

"_Just do it, Eddie, no one will ever know," someone whispered._

_A hand slid over my leg and grabbed my dick, causing me to groan and my eyes to roll back. _

"_That's it, c'mon baby, I can make you feel so fucking good."_

"_Let's go to Edward's new house." I don't know who said it, but we were moving in a car minutes later._

"_I have to go to Bella." I'm not sure if it was just a thought or something I'd managed to say out loud; I only knew there was a girl straddling my lap and grinding her pussy on my dick as I squeezed her tits in my hand._

"_Shut the fuck up, Eddie," Ben laughed. "Enjoy the fucking ride."_

The rest of my memories were nothing more than a blur of kisses, skin, and discarded clothes― sex, hot and sweaty, and _so fucking wrong_.

A tear slipped out the corner of my eye as the reality of my situation came clearly into focus―I had fucked up everything.

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**A/N**

**I suck at schedules. Le meh. Who cares.**

**So we have some answers, and I'm sure a lot more questions. We'll get there. Hope this cleared up the living situation a little, I know many of you were like O.o they don't live together?**

**Perry betas and Rose, Julie, Amber, modernsafari1, and ooza preread. Silly angst h00rs. **

**Thanks to Cris, who writes the story Wisp which I am addicted to, for rec'ing this in her last update, thanks girly. Now update again. ;)**

**Lola, this is for you harassing me twatkins.**

**See y'all Monday...maybe. LOL**

**XOXO**

**Liv**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Five**

**BPOV**

Optimism is a dangerous thing. It gives hope to your heart, even as your head screams for you to run, hide― to draw back into the recesses of your mind and fade into the safety of the shadows.

And sometimes people get lucky and find their glass really _is_ half full.

But for me? This morning?

Optimism was a cruel beast with unsympathetic eyes that wrapped its gnarled fingers around my glass and shattered it into a million pieces. Because today―wasn't better.

Blinking slowly, my arms heavy at my sides, I stared at the ceiling, unmoving. I willed my mind to find the strength to push my body forward and fight the urge to pull the covers over my head and sink back into the comfort of sleep. Where, if even for only a few minutes, everything was blanketed in nothingness.

With a stuttering exhale, I pushed back the comforter and crawled out of bed. I went through my morning routine, my motions mechanical and slow. I tried to hold myself together, to not be weak and let what happened yesterday stop me from doing all the things I had planned for the day. Not to mention the things I hadn't planned on doing―like asking for an extension on my lease.

But each step was like wading through cement, each breath ragged and constricting, every memory causing my eyes to sting like needles stabbing behind my eyelids.

Coffee in hand, I slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and let the warmth from the cup seep into my skin. I shuffled through my memories like a deck of cards, flipping and discarding one after another trying to find answers.

I hoped to find something I may have missed last night - a clue - but still, there was nothing. No answers, no ideas coming together in my head to help fight off the weight of sadness settling deep in my chest.

I studied the wood grain of the table with unseeing eyes, unable to catch a single thought as my vision slipped in and out of focus. Silent tears dripped from my chin, and my stomach twisted and dropped, the dizzying feeling of despair making the room tilt and distort.

Edward had been my entire world since I was sixteen years old. How was I supposed to do this? How was I supposed to move on from everything I'd ever known? From what I thought would be all I'd ever know?

My phone rang from somewhere in another room, causing me to jerk in surprise. Cool coffee sloshed over the rim and down my hands. I looked to the window, the uncharacteristic bright rays of sunlight spilling into the room much brighter than they should've been for this time of day.

I rose slowly from the table, unnerved by how stiff my legs had become. Grabbing my phone from the next room, I clutched it in my hand and moved down the hall to the living room, sinking onto the couch.

Unlocking the screen, my brows furrowed in confusion as I looked at the display clock, certain that it was wrong. I glanced at the clock on the wall, and it read the same―one-fifteen.

I sat down with my coffee at nine this morning.

I'd missed both of my morning classes and was late for my internship. Bending forward, I let my head rest against my knees as my hands twisted into my hair and tightened. So much for going about my day unaffected.

My phone beeped again, and I lifted my head, looking at the screen once more and seeing it was a text from Rose.

**I know you want to be alone, just let me know you are okay. –Rose**

I typed out a response we both knew was a complete lie.

**I'm okay. –B**

I turned off my phone and let it slip from my fingers as my jaw clenched and my eyes stung. I was anything but okay.

Gathering my books and purse, I trudged down to the rental office and spoke with Mr. Mallory about extending my move out date. He was more than happy to accommodate me, and thankfully only looked at me curiously instead of asking why.

Edward and I had lived here together for years, and he knew the reason we were moving was because Edward had bought us a house last month.

Correction, he'd bought himself a house, because there was no way I'd step foot into that place ever again.

My next stop was school to try and persuade my professors to allow me to turn in my assignments late. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought since I actually looked bad enough to back the lie that I'd been deathly ill all last night and this morning.

And since I'd apparently become a champion liar today, I used the same excuse at my internship with the same results. My supervisor told me to take the rest of the day off even though I tried to convince her I was fine, but she wouldn't relent. Honestly, it was both a blessing and a curse because I was in no mood to deal with people, but the thought of going back to my apartment and being there alone with my thoughts was definitely worse.

I grabbed a bottle of wine and some takeout, that would more than likely remain untouched, and reluctantly drove back to my apartment. Somehow I'd managed to do all of the things I'd set out to do, but still I felt like I'd done nothing at all.

Exhaling slowly, I grasped the handrail and pulled myself up the stairs. Each step caused a hollow ache to spread in my abdomen, a sense of loneliness weighing me down. I had lived in this apartment with Edward for years and loved every second of it, but now the thought of crossing the threshold, knowing it would just be me and four walls made me sick.

Moving directly to the kitchen, I popped the cork from the wine, grabbed a glass and carried both into the living room. I filled my glass to the top and pulled my phone out of my bag, rolling it first left, then right, as I contemplated the possibility of a voicemail or text from Edward.

It made me so angry with myself that I wanted to hear from him, and then devastated all over again, because never in my life had I felt wrong for missing him. I took a large gulp of wine, wincing as the deep red liquid coated my throat.

The silence, while comforting at first, began to snake around me, closing and crowding me until it was almost suffocating―until it became too much. With a clenched jaw and eyes screwed shut, I powered up my phone, dread and anticipation warring inside of me, silenced only by the consecutive gulps of wine and the second full glass that followed.

One after another, text after text, followed by dozens of voicemails flooded my phone. I blinked back tears and with shaky hands scrolled through the messages, deleting them immediately after reading, too weak to do it before, too pathetic.

I love you's, I'm sorry's, and I don't know what the fuck happened's played on a loop in my ear as his voice became more desperate, more wild, more intense. But it was his final text message that sent me flying to the bathroom, nerves causing me to spill the contents of my stomach over and over into the toilet, the words burned into my brain.

"_I'm coming over."_

Gulping down air, then a glass of water, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. The lingering traces of alcohol in my system chased away by the adrenaline burning through my veins. Unsteady steps led me to the living room as I tried to focus on the task at hand―texting Edward.

He couldn't come here, I couldn't see him, I couldn't look into the eyes that held the essence of my soul and know they betrayed me in the worst possible way. Phone in hand, I pulled up his name and began typing out his message when pounding on my front door sent my phone flying out of my hands.

A small whimper slipped past my lips from my rapidly tightening throat, and my stomach dropped as my emotions rose and crashed over and all around me. I held as still as possible, hoping that the relentless pounding would stop and he would leave.

"Bella!" His voice was raw and scratchy, like a man who was dying from thirst, and I was the only thing that could quench it. But I wasn't; he'd proven that to me.

"Open the door, Baby. Please." His fist continued to pound against the door, the wood starting to creak from the force.

I took a step back, moving slowly from the living room, withdrawing and retreating away from him.

"I know you're here. Open the door."

I sucked in a breath as my back met the wall directly across from the front door and waited. It was quiet for several seconds, and my shoulders sagged, but I couldn't tell if it was in relief, or disappointment.

"Goddamn it!" His voice thundered through the room, his fist slamming against the wood once more. "I have my key," he croaked, his voice gravelly.

Tears streamed down my face as I lifted my hands to cover my mouth, hoping to stifle the gasping breaths I could no longer control. A key slid into the lock and turned. My body shuddered in response as the door swung open and I was face to face with the man who'd broken my heart.

* * *

**A/N**

**OH MAH GAHHHHHH I SUCK! LMAO. Dudes, yeah get used to it, I have managed to kill myself with the ending of every chapter. This one is no different. I WILL tell you this...pull on those big girl panties next chapter. Seriously.**

**Perry betas, Rose, Julie, Amber, Ooza, and Modernsafari1 preread and Meg aka iambeagle gives the BEST emo music ever. I love her.**

**I'd say I'd see y'all Friday, but as y'all can see...I suck at schedules!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Six**

**EPOV**

She was here. I could feel her. She beat through my body like a pulse. Fifteen text messages, not one response, countless voicemails, and still nothing. The instant the hospital release papers reached my hands, ink punished paper, and I was out of there.

I'd driven straight to her apartment, my stomach sinking when I noticed her car was gone. I drove to the school, to her job, past Emmett and Rose's place, not finding her anywhere. My mind reeled with the possibilities of where she could be―what she could be doing.

My phone rang constantly, Jamie, Jasper, Ben, Marcus, but not one from Bella―the only person I gave a fuck about talking to. I drove to the new house; it was a long shot, but I was running out of options. She wouldn't have gone to her Dad's house, would she?

I planned to drive past her apartment one more time before taking off for Forks. I was willing go wherever I had to in order to find her, to try and explain something even I didn't understand. But when I turned down her street again, my body caught fire as soon as I spotted her car.

Jumping out of my car, I raced up the stairs, my need to get to her - to see her - was almost overwhelming. I pounded on the door. I begged, and still, I heard nothing more than her attempt to muffle her sobs. Unable to stand not seeing her face a second more, I did what I'd hoped she wouldn't make me do― I used my key.

The moment my eyes landed on her beautiful and broken face, a stabbing pain ripped through me ― because I did this. I caused her to look like I was physically inflicting the most pain she'd ever felt; I caused her to fold over into herself and sink to the floor as heart ripping sobs tore from her chest.

"Bella," I choked, crossing the room in three long strides before falling to my knees in front of her.

She drew her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around them and burying her face.

"Please talk to me, let me explain..." I trailed off as her entire body tensed in front of me.

She lifted her head slowly, her face red and blotchy, her swollen eyes narrowed as a sarcastic sneer pulled at one side of her mouth. "I think I got the gist of it."

"No, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I can't―I don't remember―" I fisted my hair and sat back on my heels. My thoughts spun out of control as I tried to snatch images from blank spots, those missing memories of last night that might explain how in the fuck I ended up like I did.

"C'mon, Edward," she goaded. "You've been fucked up enough over the past two years to know that coke, booze, and pills are a sure fire way to black out. And apparently fuck other girls, too." Her voice faltered and broke at the end, her words garbled.

I shook my head. "No, Bella, I swear to you, nothing like that has ever happened before."

"Is that supposed to make it any better? Because it doesn't. I don't even know if I believe you."

I cupped my hands over her knees and squeezed, my determination to get through to her caused my words to grind out through clenched teeth. "You believe me. You know me better than that, Bella. I love you. I _love_ you. Goddamn it, I'm _so_ fucking sorry. I don't know what happened, but I didn't plan it. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you."

Her eyes dropped to the floor, her words no more than a whisper. "But you did. You hurt me. And I can't forgive you for that."

"Don't say that. Bella, I can't live without you. I don't know how." I gasped, fighting for each ragged breath that burned like hot lava in my chest. I leaned up on my knees and cradled her face, my fingers twisting in her hair, anchoring her to me.

When I inched closer she pulled away until her back hit the wall. My fingers tightened around her hair as I tried to breathe through the pain coursing through me―she'd never pulled away from me, never shied away from my touch, and having her do it now felt like dying.

"No, please don't do that." My throat was so tight I wasn't sure how I was breathing at all. I leaned into her. I needed to kiss her, show her how fucking sorry I was.

"Stop!" She jerked her head to the side, avoiding my lips and causing my fucking chest to crack wide open.

"Baby, please. Oh, God, please, please, please, no. Please don't turn away from me. Please don't―just fucking look at me, baby."

I twisted her head back toward me, even though she fought not to. I pressed my forehead against hers and squeezed my eyes shut, my entire body shaking from adrenalin, fear and raw need.

"Please."

"No." The one syllable word said no louder than a whisper thundered in my ears.

I shook my head, turning hers in sync with mine as choking sobs left me gasping for air. "_Baby_."

"No."

My hands shook as they cupped her jaw, tears burned and blurred my vision as I pressed my lips against hers. "Bella, _don't_," I begged, kissing her again. I pleaded and kissed her; I apologized and kissed her, each one growing more desperate, more painful every time I touched my soul-shattered lips to her lifeless, unresponsive ones.

"Edward, stop." She spat, using her hands to shove me back before wrapping them tightly around her knees again, her entire body rocking as her angry gaze burned into me.

"You slept with someone else. There is nothing, _nothing_ you can say or do that will make that okay. _Ever_. We're over."

"No." I slammed my fist against the floor. "We most certainly are _not_ fucking over."

"What if it were me?" Her words were spiteful and dead all at once.

The double-drop flip clinch in my stomach caused bile to rise and burn the back of my throat, the same way my anger rose and flamed red hot at the thought of anyone else touching her. My jaw ticked, and my pupils dilated as I tried to harness my overactive emotions.

She smirked, but it wasn't hurtful or angry, it was resigned, disappointed and I realized immediately what my reaction said.

"I would be angry. Of course I would be angry, and you have every right to be angry, too. I'd just need time. That's all you need, baby. Time will fix everything." My words tumbled out, my anger fading as fear seeped into my skin.

"Liar." She exhaled, her eyes soft and so damn sad. "You wouldn't forgive me. Just like I won't forgive you. Time won't fix this."

I've heard how fear can affect people differently in extreme situations. Some fall apart and crumble in the face of their demons, while others stand up and fight. Then there are those who get angry in the face of fear, they become irrational and lash out. Apparently, I am one of those people.

"Stop talking like that." I demanded quietly. "I get it. You're pissed. I fucked up. But stop acting like you're done with me. Because that is _never_ going to happen."

Her eyes widened, and her hands tightened around her legs until her knuckles whitened. "Edward, you're scaring me."

"I'm not trying to scare you, baby," I promised, even as a voice in the back of my head whispered for me to do whatever it took to make her stay, to not let her go.

An entirely different kind of fear washed over me then, causing the air to deflate from my lungs. I wasn't that person. Not to anyone, and never to Bella.

"I'm sorry. God, baby, I'm sorry for _everything_."

She drew in a shaky breath and unwrapped one arm from her leg, extending her hand toward me, palm up.

I reached out, my chest constricting and expanding with hope, love and sheer fucking relief, but as soon as the tips of my fingers ghosted over hers, she withdrew her hand and shook her head.

"The key, Edward. Give me the key and get out." The shake in her voice steadied and her volume increased.

I started at her unmoving, every muscle in my body locked in place.

"This is not your apartment anymore. You have a home. Don't make me leave because you won't. I deserve that much."

Never taking my eyes off her, I pulled out my keys and with trembling fingers twisted and turned the key to our apartment, _her_ apartment off my ring. Each small turn, each scrape of metal pulled the stitching of my soul apart, and when the key slid free, I didn't understand how my insides didn't spill out onto the floor― because I'd just been ripped in two.

Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chin quivered as she extended her hand once more, the move no longer igniting anything except a deep ache of loss that seeped into my bones.

I dropped the key in her palm, quickly wrapping my fingers around her hand before she could pull away. "Just because I'm giving you what you want right now, doesn't mean I'm giving up. It doesn't mean shit except I love you. I'm not giving up, Bella. I'll never give up, because I don't know how to live without you."

She lifted her forearm to cover her mouth, her teeth biting into her flesh as she choked back a sob. She jerked her other hand away from mine and fisted the key.

"Get out."

I slowly rose to my feet, every bone in my body heavy as lead. "I love you."

"Don't come here again."

I stepped away from her, the ache of loss spreading suffocating darkness inside of me and ripping away the light her soul offered mine―taking away its mate and crushing us both.

"I won't promise you that. I won't lie to you. I love you." My legs wobbled and shook as I tried to keep my voice strong, confident, reassuring us both that we'd get through this, that we'd be okay.

"Go!" She screamed, slapping her open palms against the floor, the key I'd given her skidding across the floor.

I swallowed hard, my eyes darting over her face, looking for a crack, a break in her armor that she wasn't sure, that she really wanted me to stay.

"I hate you," she whispered, her eyes falling shut as tears spilled down her cheeks.

With those three words, she gutted me.

Never. Never in my life had she uttered those words to me, and all at once it was too much. I felt everything and nothing at all, my mind was blank, but I saw _everything_.

I dropped my head and grasped the doorknob before raising my eyes to her once more. She'd pulled her knees back into her chest and wrapped herself into a tight ball as she rocked back and forth.

The moment my eyes connected with hers, she turned her head to the side and swiped angrily at the hot tears sliding down her face. With one more whispered I love you, I turned and pulled her door shut until it clicked behind me.

I reached back into my pocket for my keys, and as my fingers wrapped around the metal, the tips of them brushed against something smooth and small. I scooped them up and opened my hand to find a couple of Xanax I grabbed earlier.

I studied them for a second before throwing the pills into my mouth and swallowing them dry. I needed to numb this pain; I needed to figure out how I was going to fix this, and I needed a fucking drink.

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**A/N**

**So apparently Monday and Friday can suck eggs, and Saturday and Wednesday is the new black. You know, since that's what I've done the last two weeks. Let's keep with that shall we...except today is Tuesday...but really, who cares. Ugh. LOL**

**This chapter is for Rose, the biggest angst h00r I know. It just seemed fitting since this chapter killed me to write. **

**Perry does all the awesome beta stuff, and Julie, Amber, Modersafari1, and Ooza preread. **

**Y'all are some awesome mofos and I love all of you hard. See y'all next time!**

**~Liv**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Seven**

**BPOV**

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Don't think. Don't focus on anything. Hold on just a little longer; he's almost gone. Then, _then_ I can fall apart. The lock clicked when the door closed behind him, and I waited―my breath held, my eyes wide. I waited to see if he would come back, to see if he would crash through my door once more and watch me break, right before his eyes.

The seconds dragged, and my chest burned as the air trapped in my lungs begged for release. My ears strained to hear any sounds over the thrumming of my pulse in my ears, but were met with nothing but silence.

And then I broke.

I screamed, I cried, I hit, and I mourned, because the love of my life had just walked out the door. And as angry as I was, as much as I hated myself for it, I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to grovel and beg, and I wanted to scream and yell until we were both hoarse and sick and completely drained of all the anger and hurt.

But I knew no matter how much I punished him, it wouldn't make a difference. Telling him to leave, to get out and never come back, speaking to him in angry, flat tones was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life.

When he pressed his lips to mine, so desperate and needy, warm and familiar and full of heartbreak, I wanted to die. I felt like I had died inside, because those lips were also regretful, and apologetic, and begging for forgiveness of something I could not forgive.

So I shut down, I closed my mind and swam through the nothingness until it was over and he was gone and I was more alone than I'd ever been before.

"Shit." I sniffed, pulling myself up from the floor, crossing the room to the front door and twisting the deadbolt. My stomach rumbled even though I knew there was no way I could eat. I could tell from the dark shadows cast around the room it was late; the clock on the wall confirmed it was after ten, my loss of time today was more than a little disconcerting.

Sleep came and went throughout the night, my tired, swollen eyes bleary and unfocused as I made a concentrated effort to push through the next day, to not get lost in my head and lose any more chunks of time.

And then I did it all again the next day.

And then the one after that.

Again and again.

"Bella, please talk to me. It scares me how you've shut everyone out. I'm your best friend."

A twinge of guilt bubbled inside of me at the hurt tone of Rose's voice, but it didn't last long. Rose was connected to Emmett, who was connected to Edward, who was someone I couldn't bear to think about. So I avoided anyone and anything that reminded me of him. I felt bad for shutting out my friends, but it was the only way I could cope right now.

"I'm sorry. I've just been really busy." It was a truth, it was a lie. I had been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't pick up the phone or meet her for lunch like she'd asked for the past week.

I took another sip of wine and leaned back on the couch, my eyes drifting shut as silence settled around me.

"What about now? We could have a late dinner; it's only seven thirty." The hopeful tone in her voice resulted in a much larger pull from my glass until the voices in the back of my head were drowned out in a haze of alcohol.

"Can't." I raised my head and eyed the books scattered around the table. "I have to study. Finals are coming up." More half truths.

Her sigh was resigned, and when she spoke, her words were a strained whisper. "Have you heard from him?"

I swallowed thickly and tried to relax the tension in my jaw. "Every day."

"Do you think-"

"I have to go." I interrupted, "I'll call you later."

"Bel-"

I disconnected the call and tossed my phone on the couch before downing the rest of my glass. With a deep breath, I slid onto the floor where I could reach all of the books strewn across the table.

Three more weeks of school, five more weeks at my internship, and then I was out of time. I had to figure out what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and how I planned to get there. But it was so hard to focus on the future when my past refused to let me go.

Everyday he called or texted.

Some days were worse than others―the days he called and was obviously messed up―when he had that same frightening calm as the day he showed up at my apartment. His insistence we were going to get back together, that we would be fine, was so profound I found myself questioning if I had a choice in the matter.

But I held my ground, even as my heart raged a battle against my head that both drained and fueled me. I tried, _so fucking hard_ to focus all of my energy on moving forward, living my life. The problem was, it didn't feel much like living at all. I drifted through each day as a spectator, watching as one day bled into the next― one week becoming two, two becoming three, graduation creeping closer and closer like a predator closing in on its prey.

Edward had continued with his constant phone calls and I had continued with my new habit of drinking more than a bottle of wine every night.

It numbed the pain for a while, but the added hangover served only to intensify already present aches―my pain, my fear, my doubts...my resolve. I'd finally threatened to change my number if he didn't stop calling. He must have taken the threat seriously because the next day he didn't call or text at all.

I drank twice as much that night.

Standing in line at Starbucks I focused on the notes in front of me, trying to soak up every last bit of information I could before heading to my first class.

"Bella, hi!"

I looked over at Claire, one of my classmates, and smiled― my eyes tired, my body weary. "Hi, Claire."

"I haven't talked to you in weeks, how have you been?" She asked, sliding in line behind me.

"Fine." I mumbled, keeping my eyes averted.

She cleared her throat and shifted slightly. "Are you ready for finals?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Can you believe we're done? Three days and we'll be college graduates."

I wanted to be excited, to share her enthusiasm, but the truth was, there was very little I was excited about these days. My time was running out, and I was a complete disaster. Three weeks gone in the blink of an eye.

Quick movement to my right caught my attention, and I whipped my head in that direction. Claire was moving in front of a table littered with magazines, a look of concern pinched on her face.

"What is it?" I asked, an uneasy feeling already creeping over me.

"It's nothing. Are you ready to order?"

"What are you hiding, Claire?"

"Nothing, Bella. C'mon, let it go."

There was only one thing that Claire would be hiding from me, and that was a magazine that had something about Edward in it. She and I had been in the same classes for the last few semesters and had grown semi-close in school, she knew who I was, and who I dated, but she never crossed into that side of my life. Which is probably why I still talked to her.

I shook my head, and like a masochist stepped around her so I could see the table. And Jesus, why couldn't I just listen to people when they tried to look out for me? I reached for the trash mag with unsteady hands, the paper crinkling from the strength of my grasp. Across the front was a picture of Edward being carried down the street by Marcus and Ben, his head lolled to the side, his mouth open and his eyes closed. He looked awful, worse than I'd ever seen him, and my stomach clenched at the sight. In bold letters across the top was printed:

_**Edward Masen's Downward Spiral. **_

Underneath in smaller print read:

_**Is breakup with longtime girlfriend Bella Swan to blame? **_

I wanted to vomit. I tossed the magazine down and ran out, ignoring Claire's calls for me to stop.

I'd seen countless magazines touting insider information about Edward's relationship woes, but the pictures were usually innocuous: pictures of him walking down the street, or talking on his phone with his head bent low. Never had I seen a picture where he looked like _that_.

But what did I expect? As long as I lived here, I would constantly be reminded of his presence― dealing with sidelong glances and indiscreet whispers from fans who loved him and girls who wanted him.

I sucked in a deep breath and jogged across the street to Seattle's International Film Festival where I was already ten minutes late for work. Not that I thought I'd receive too much grief about it since I only had a little over two weeks left anyway.

I loved working here, even if it was only an internship. I tried not to be bitter about the fact that I was already twenty-four and only now graduating college. But when Edward asked me to travel with him all over the country, there was no way I could turn him down. And if I was being honest, I didn't want to turn him down; I wanted to travel.

What was only supposed to be a year, turned into two. Once his schedule finally slowed down enough so he was home more than he was away, I enrolled back in school, knowing I wouldn't have to spend months at a time without him.

"Bella!"

I turned as my co-worker, Cynthia, came jogging down the steps.

"What's up?"

"Ms. Cope wants to talk to you; she told me to finish up for you."

"Is everything okay?" I twisted the film reel in my hand and bit the inside of my cheek as my nerves fluttered. I wondered if the last few weeks had finally taken their toll on me and spilled over into my work.

Cynthia's smile was reassuring as she nodded. "Yeah, you're good."

I climbed the steps to Ms. Cope's office and knocked twice before slipping inside and closing the door.

"Have a seat, Bella. I wanted to talk to you about something."

I did as she asked and sat in the chair across from her, crossing and uncrossing my legs and fidgeting with the hem of my shirt, still worried maybe I had done something wrong.

"As I'm sure you're aware, your internship here is over in a little more than two weeks," she began, her voice warm and soothing. "I've spoken with your professors, and they've informed me you're slotted to graduate with excellent marks. And well, you've done a fantastic job here, so I'd like to tentatively offer you a full-time position with us once your internship runs out."

My eyes widened and my breathing accelerated as I processed her words. A real job? Here? Working on movie sets like I'd always dreamed of?

"I- I don't know what to say." I stammered, my voice higher than usual as a rare smile pulled at the corner of my mouth, the act so foreign these days I was almost confused by the motion.

"As I said, it's tentative upon your completion of school, but I'm confident school won't be an issue at all."

"Thank- thank you. Wow. No, school won't be an issue."

We talked for a little while longer, my mind reeling at the prospect of becoming a bonafide Associate Producer. I bounded down the stairs and out into the damp Seattle air with a smile stretched across my face. I yanked out my phone before stopping abruptly in my tracks, the color draining from my face as I pulled my finger away from the speed dial button for Edward's cell.

What was I doing? What was I thinking? Had I not just said hours earlier I didn't believe there was a way for me to stay here without being faced with his constant presence?

But what if I could? What if I was strong enough to deal with everything? The tightness in my throat and the pain in my chest told me doing so would be a very bad idea. I could try though, right?

Walking into my apartment, I did something I hadn't done in weeks―I cooked myself dinner. After eating, I tidied up the kitchen while I finished my third glass of wine. I bit the inside of my cheek as I stared down at my empty glass. If I was really going to try and make it work here, then I'd have to stop drowning myself in wine every night.

With a resigned sigh, I set my glass in the sink. I flipped off the lights before heading to the bathroom to finish my nightly routine and crawled into bed. As I lay there, I thought about what life would be like living here without Edward. Would he start dating? Would I run into him around town with a girlfriend? What if it was the same girl he'd cheated with?

A lump swelled in my throat, and I blinked back tears at the thought of him with someone else. It was irrational and crazy and hypocritical, but my heart didn't always listen to my head, no matter how loud it shouted.

As I drifted off to sleep, I knew skipping those extra glasses of wine was a bad idea, because my last conscious image was of me walking into Edward's house.

"_Bella, I'm sure he's fine." Emmett's voice echoed in my mind._

"_Emmett, he never showed up last night, and he's not answering his phone; something's wrong, I can feel it." I heard myself say, my voice borderline hysterical._

"_I'll go this way; why don't you check the studio?" He looked nervous. Why would Emmett be nervous?_

_Kitchen, no Edward._

_Bathroom, no Edward._

_Bedroom? Yes. Why did Emmett send me down here? I should check the bedroom._

"_...is so fucking bad." _

_That was Emmett, but why did he sound so panicked? Had something happened?_

"_C'mon, man, there's still time." _

_Why was he freaking out?_

_I rounded the corner and time stopped, my heart stopped, everything just...stopped._

_I looked at Emmett, but he'd moved. He was leaning over Edward, shaking him._

"_C'mon, man, there's still time."_

_What? What did he mean?_

_I heard a gasp and spun around coming face-to-face with...myself._

_I watched my other self stare at Emmett wide-eyed and stricken, but when I looked at him he was back over Edward again, shaking him._

"_C'mon, man, there's still time."_

"_C'mon, man, there's still time."_

"_C'mon, man, there's still time."_

_What? No. Was he...he was going to cover for him? He was going to hide the truth from me..._

I jolted up in bed, my eyes flying open as I gasped for breath. He was going to cover for him.

"Son of a bitch."

* * *

**A/N**

**Twilover76 rec'd GH in her latest update of No Ordinary Proposal and I was FAIL at thanking her. So, dude, thank you. Seriously. **

**And thanks to ALL of you for your continued support of my story on twitter, FB, reviews, rec's...just ALL THE THINGS! Thank you, thank you thank you!**

**THIS update is early because I'm heading to Atlanta in the morning to see The Lumineers! Weeee! **

**Perry betas and Joo, Rose, Amber, Modernsafari1, and Ooza preread. They're cray. jsjsjsjs**

**See y'all...I'm not even gonna put a day, it's pointless. :)**

**~Liv**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

**EPOV**

"Stop." I snatched off my headphones and threw them against the glass.

"What the fuck is wrong _this_ time, Edward." Jasper sneered.

"_You_, you fucking junkie! I said C chord damn it; quit fucking it up." My hands were fisted into tight balls at my sides, waiting for him to say one more fucking word before I punched his face.

"Fuck you, Edward. I'm the junkie? When's the last fucking time you were sober? And for the record, I did play the damn C chord, you're just too doped up to realize it."

I charged toward him, my fist pulled back and ready to smash against his face before two pairs of arms wrapped around me and pulled back.

"Calm down, guys. Just stop. Stop this shit."

I jerked away from Ben and Marcus and staggered over to the door. "To hell with all of you."

The door slammed behind me as I stormed down the hall, shoving the back door open and causing it to bang against the wall. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one immediately, taking a long drag before reaching back into my pocket and pulling out a small plastic bag.

I pushed the pills around, sorting through them before dumping the ones I wanted in my hand and tossing them down my throat. I screwed my eyes shut and took another long pull from my cigarette before I tried to calm my breathing.

They didn't understand. This song was for Bella, and it had to be perfect; she had to know how sorry I was, how much I loved and missed her, how much I was completely falling apart without her.

The last few weeks had been unbearable. I called and texted her, but it was always the same. No response on the texts, and either she sent me to voicemail when I called, or on the rare occasions she'd answer, she'd yell and tell me to never call her again―those were the calls that kept me going.

I could handle her anger, because as long as she was angry, she still felt _something_. The day she threatened to change her number gutted me. To not have access to her, to lose that final connection we had― I knew without a doubt it would destroy me.

So I waited until she was in class and her phone was off before I called her. I listened to her voicemail over and over again, just to hear her voice. I knew what I was doing was wrong; I knew I'd fucked up, and sometimes life didn't always give second chances for your mistakes.

I knew all of this, but the empty gaping hole where she had lived for most of my life― where her soul was intertwined with mine―it didn't care about rational thought, it didn't care about accepting punishments, it wanted its mate back, and was it blind in its desperation to have it.

I tried not to text her the next day, but the eight beers, handful of pills, and finding one of her favorite shirts mixed with my laundry broke me. If I didn't text her, would she think I didn't care anymore? No way, no way could I ever let her think that. So I texted her that I loved her and waited with agonizing patience to call her the next day to see if her number had been disconnected.

When I called and her voicemail picked up, my entire body sagged with relief. So I kept calling, and sometimes she'd answer, but most of the time she didn't. She rarely spoke when she answered, but I could hear each shallow breath she drew in her lungs, and it was the sweetest torture―because she was there. And she hadn't threatened to change her number again.

I crossed the parking lot to my car and slid behind the wheel, running my hand across the shiny black dashboard before letting my forehead rest against the steering wheel. I had so many memories with this car, both good and bad. My mind drifted back to my eighteenth birthday, when everything was so different.

"_What are you so jumpy about?" I laughed, pinching Bella's side and causing her to jump._

"_Be patient, young Padawan, you'll find out soon enough." Her sly smile and the mischievous glint in her eyes charged every cell in my body._

"_Are you quoting Star Wars, Bella?" I asked, my voice low, my brows lifted in mock disbelief. "Because you know how much that turns me on."_

_I approached her in slow measured steps, smirking when her breath caught._

"_I know not what you speak of."_

"_That's it." I laughed, lunging at her and wrapping my arms around her waist. I planted quick kisses all over her face while she giggled and tried to tickle my sides. I managed to dodge her first few attempts before we both ended up in the ground laughing so hard our sides hurt._

"_Happy birthday," she whispered, her lips soft when she pressed them against mine._

"_It's my birthday? I totally forgot." I joked, giving her a small smile. We both knew I was lying; I never forgot my birthday, because I hated it. It was the same day my dad walked out on me and my mom. It had been my ninth birthday, and we were having cake when he stood from the table, shook his head, and walked out the door―we never heard from him again._

_I remember when my tenth birthday came around, I had begged my mom not to make me a cake because I was afraid she would leave me too. She tried to explain that she'd never do that, but at ten, I had a hard time believing her._

"_Well, I think we should do something about that. Make your birthday a little more memorable, but in a good way."_

"_But you already have; it was my sixteenth birthday that you decided to be my girlfriend, remember?"_

_She laughed and shook her head. "I remember you getting me drunk, and I ended up telling you how hot I thought you were and I'd had a crush on you for almost a year." _

_Her face still heated with embarrassment whenever she told that story; it made me love her even more. _

"_Well, I had to figure out some way to get you to admit your undying love for me and finally put me out of my misery." _

"_Out of your misery, huh?" she whispered, brushing the hair back from my forehead._

"_Well, obviously pulling your hair and running away wasn't going to work. Add in that I never thought I had a chance with someone like you, and yeah, drunk coercion was my best shot. I just never thought drunk coercion would turn into drunk confessions."_

"_Yeah, well," she waved her hand dismissively, her face still red, "lucky you."_

"_Yeah," I agreed, rolling on top of her, "lucky me." My lips ghosted over hers, soft and tentative, as we breathed each other in. "I love you."_

"_I love you, too. So much. Now, c'mon, I have something to show you." She pushed slightly so I'd lift off her and scrambled to her feet. She laced her fingers with mine and pulled me toward the back of her house. As soon as we turned the corner, my heart stopped, then leapt into my throat._

"_Bella," I exhaled, my eyes wide with disbelief. _

"_Surprise." She smiled, bouncing on the balls of her feet._

"_How did you- when...oh my God, baby." I moved cautiously to the car parked in her backyard, my car, but so _not_ my car. Because this flawless beauty could not be my broken down piece of shit sitting at the mechanics with a blown engine and a host of other fucking issues._

_My dad's 1969 Chevelle SS―the car he left to rot in the backyard when he'd walked out―had been a headache since I'd turned sixteen and Mom said I could have it. The paint was chipped, the frame damaged with rust, the tires dry rotted, and the interior a complete wreck. I'd done my best to fix it up― make it drivable, but it always seemed like once one thing was fixed, another one broke. The last straw was six months ago when the engine blew._

_But the car in front of me now? The one with high-gloss black paint, shiny black tires and chrome rims that looked like it belonged in a showroom...there was nothing shitty about it._

_I opened the door, my throat closing up as I slid onto the sleek, dark grey vinyl, completely redone: no rips, no tears, no horrendous smells. All of it, she'd had the entire car completely restored, right down to the window rollers._

_I watched through blurry eyes as she climbed into the car from the passenger side. She reached across the seat and covered her hand with mine, a tentative smile on her face._

"_Do you like it?"_

"_Baby." I squeezed her hand so tight I was sure it was painful. "There isn't a word to describe how I'm feeling right now. How did you do this? This must have cost a fortune."_

_I knew her dad made good money, but something like this would've cost thousands of dollars, and she didn't have that kind of money._

"_Now don't freak out," she began, licking her lips nervously. "But I used a little of the money Mom left me."_

_No. She wouldn't. "Bella, why would you―you're supposed to use that money for school, for your future." I couldn't believe she had used money she'd gotten when her mother was killed three years ago by a drunk driver. I knew she'd gotten enough from the insurance policy as well as the settlement from the other driver to live off of for quite a long time, but I never thought she'd use that money to fix up my car. No one had ever done anything like that for me, _ever_._

"_What about Charlie? You weren't supposed to be able to use that money until you're eighteen, which is several months away. How did you do it without his permission?"_

"_I had his permission." She retorted with a smile. "He thought it was a good idea."_

_I stared at her slack-jawed, waiting to hear the catch, because nothing she said made a bit of sense to me._

"_Look, he knew I was going to do it, whether it was now, or in four months. So he decided to help; he worked with the mechanics at night after work and drove all over to find original parts. He actually said it's the most fun he's had in a long time." She laughed, obviously remembering something her father said._

"_But didn't he try and talk you out of it? Tell you it was a bad idea to spend that kind of money on someone?" I was having a hard time processing everything._

_Her face softened as she stared at me, her eyes shimmering slightly. "You're not just someone. You're _my_ someone. I'm like my dad when it comes to matters of the heart. He knew my Mom was it for him the moment he met her, and he never looked back. They lived and breathed for each other until the day she died. He'll never move on; he'll never get over her. When he loves, it's with his whole heart...and he knows...you have my whole heart."_

"_And you have mine; you have everything. I love you." I hugged her to me, burying my face in her neck and breathing in all of her warmth and love. She owned every bit of me, and I couldn't have been happier._

"_How about we take her for a spin," she suggested, sniffing when she pulled away._

"_Okay." I turned over the engine, the growl as I pressed my foot to the pedal making my heart rate spike. I glanced to the back porch to see Charlie leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest with a nostalgic smile on his face, his eyes far away. He dipped his chin at me before a more genuine smile pulled across his face. I nodded in return, my own smile so wide my cheeks hurt._

_We pulled out on the road, my eyes darting from the road to the new interior of the car. "Hey, I just realized you changed the bucket seats up here to a bench seat."_

_She smiled and turned her face to the window, her shoulders shrugging as she answered flippantly. "I just thought it would give the car more room." _

_I reached across the seat and wrapped my fingers around her inner thigh before tugging her across the seat until she was flush against my side._

"_More room for what, exactly?" I whispered, sliding my fingers under the bottom of her shorts._

"_Just, things." Her breathless answer made my pants tighten._

"_You wanna show me?" I hooked my finger under the edge of her panties and brushed it over her heated skin._

"_Oh yeah." She grinned, reaching over my leg and palming me._

"Edward!"

I jumped in my seat and turned my head toward Jamie, who was knocking on the glass.

"What are you doing?"

I wiped my hand down my face, realizing it was wet and I was having a hard time breathing. "Nothing, I'm calling it quits for the day."

"But what about-"

I didn't give him a chance to finish as I started up the car and spun out of the lot. I snatched the bag of pills out of my pocket and fisted a couple before popping them in my mouth. I grabbed my phone and pulled up Bella's name and pressed send. The call went straight to voicemail, but instead of hanging up, I left her a message. I just needed to talk to her, even if it was to a recording.

"Bella, I miss you. It's hard to breathe sometimes when I think about how we are right now, how much I fucked everything up. You-you're so close. Like, I still smell you...Fuck, I haven't washed the towel you last used at my house...the one that smells like that shampoo you love. Fucking pathetic. I'm fucking pathetic, but I don't care. I just feel you pulling me to you. I feel it. God, it takes... I want to go to you so fucking bad. But I fight it, because I know― _fuck,_ I know you don't want to see me right now. I, ah, I was just, thinking about my eighteenth birthday, how incredible it was. Do you remember what you said to me? You said I was your someone. Baby, I'm still that person; I just messed up. It was bad― fuck, so bad, but you...it's yours. My heart. You still have it all...you always will."

The phone beeped, disconnecting the call. I dropped it into the seat beside me and tried to focus on the road as it began to double and blur. l managed to pull into my driveway and stumble through the front door and into the kitchen.

I pulled out a bottle of gin and maneuvered my way to the studio. My arms were heavy, my eyes unfocused, but I didn't let that stop me. I needed to do something, keep myself busy until things were cleared, until they were better.

I slumped into my chair and let my head fall back against the wall. Maybe I'd just close my eyes for a bit.

I wasn't sure how much time passed; it was all a haze of Jack Daniels, colorful little pills, and thoughts of Bella. I was relaxed, muted―numb. At least until Emmett snatched me into full consciousness by pouring a bucket of icy water over my head.

I focused on his eyes, hard and angry as his mouth twisted into a sneer.

"Oh good, you're not dead. Get the fuck up. We need to talk."

* * *

**A/N**

**Soooo, um, as Britney would say... Oops, I did it again. Yeah, yeah, cliffy bitch is cliffy...and bitchy. But y'all know I update every few days, so please to be putting down the pitch forks and torches. Thanks. ;)**

**Perry is mah beta. Modernsafari1, Joo, Rose, Amber, and O_oza say pretty things to me...sometimes. **

*******toes dirt* **Also, Glass House has been nominated for fic of the week over at The Lemonade Stand... in case y'all wanted to know.

**Up next we're back to Bella! See y'all soon!**

**~Liv**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Nine**

**BPOV**

"Emmett!" I yelled, banging on his front door. I still had on my pajamas, my hair was a complete disaster; but the anger slicing through me wouldn't wait for anything.

I raised my fist to pound on the door again just as Rose yanked it open, her sleepy eyes wide and confused.

"Bella, what's going on? Are you okay?" Her head whipped from side to side, her eyes focused behind me as she searched for whatever it was that had me beating down her door at seven in the morning. But what she was looking for wasn't behind me...it...or rather _he_ was behind her.

"How could you?" I snapped, stepping around Rose and moving directly in front of Emmett. I was so close and he was so tall, I had to crane my neck to see his eyes.

"Bella, how could I what? What in the hell is going on?" He looked genuinely confused, which only pissed me off more, because obviously his words that day were no more than an afterthought.

"C'mon, man, there's still time." My tone was mocking, my heart breaking.

"What?" He exhaled, his brows still drawn together.

I repeated the words again, enunciating each syllable. "C'mon, man, there's still time. Don't you remember your own words, Emmett? The ones you said to Edward when you were trying to get him out of bed and cover up the fact that he was fucking another girl?"

The color drained from his face as my heart dropped into my stomach. The tiny shred of hope that I'd misunderstood or misinterpreted vanishing into thin air.

"Bella-"

"You were supposed to have my back, Emmett! _Mine_. You were always supposed to have my back, you promised!"

"_Happy birthday, Isabella!"_

_I scrunched up my face and pulled my ponytail from the hand he was using to yank on it. "You know I don't like people to call me that, Emmy Bear." I crossed my arms over my chest, my lip stuck out in a pout. He knew I hated that name, stupid boy._

"_But you're all grown up; you're double digits now! You have to go by your full name! Just like how you promised when I turned ten you would stop calling me Emmy Bear." He pouted, a sour look on his face._

"_How about this? You _keep_ calling me Bella, and I'll _stop_ calling you Emmy Bear, deal?" I spit on my hand and held it out to him. If we were making promises, spit had to be involved or it didn't count. He looked down at my hand before spitting on his own and happily shook my hand._

"_And," I added, "you won't let anyone else call me Isabella either, right?"_

_He reached up and pulled on the end of my ponytail before taking off running. "I've got your back, Bella Bug. I'll always have your back!"_

"Fuck." He growled, fisting his hair in his hands. "I had your back, Bella. I knew what seeing him would do to you. I was trying to protect you."

"Protect me?" My laugh was incredulous. "By lying to me?"

"I didn't know what else to do!" he shouted, his eyes wide. "I didn't want to see you hurt."

"Newsflash, Emmett, I'm fucking hurt. I'm broken, and I don't even have my oldest friend to lean on because he lied to me. Bros before hoes after all, huh?" I tried to steady my voice, hold on to my anger, but the truth was...my anger had already faded. It had slipped away and was replaced with the stabbing pain of betrayal. My face twisted as I fought to keep the tears at bay; my shoulders slumping in defeat.

"_Bella Bug, you sure about this cat?" Emmett asked, leaning into my side as he eyed Edward._

"_Shut up, Em." I hiccupped through my laugh as I tried to steady myself._

"_I'm serious; if he messes up, it's pound town, baby." He raised his fist and smacked it into the palm of his other hand while attempting to look menacing. He kinda sucked at it since we were both working on our sixth...or maybe it was our eighth beer._

"_No bros before hoes?" I dropped my voice and puffed out my chest. I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot, but that was okay, because so did Emmett._

"_Never with you, Bella Bug. No way."_

"How many times, Emmett? How many times have you covered for him?" Agony seared through me at the thought of Edward's hands and mouth touching and tasting someone else, then coming home to me.

"Never, Bella. _Never_. It wasn't like that." His eyes filled with tears, but I was too hurt to care. "You're my best friend, Bella."

"Then I'd hate to see what you do to your enemies." I spun on my heel and staggered past Rose, her face white, ashen. The last thing I heard before the door closed was Rose's angry voice.

"How could you do that? _Who_ are you?"

I jumped in my car and shoved the key in the ignition, my eyes landing on the books on the seat beside me. Finals. Oh my God, I had the rest of my finals today. One break, just one. That's all I was asking for. But life didn't give you breaks; it didn't say "Hey fate, karma, or whatever the hell turns life upside down, let's cut this girl some slack; we've beat her down enough for a while."

I raced to my apartment and threw on some clothes before hauling ass to school. I'd never been more thankful for my internship as I was right then, because most of the material I'd be tested on, were things I did every day at my job.

My mind was unfocused and scattered, but my ability to shift gears and go into autopilot when it came to remembering things about work made it possible to get through all of my tests confidently.

Then I went to work and sailed on autopilot all over again. And when I walked through my apartment that night, I didn't even bother pretending I wasn't going to lose myself in a haze of alcohol, because that's exactly what was going to happen.

Missed call, Emmett. Missed call, Rose. Missed call, Edward. Missed text, same, same, same. Delete. Delete. Delete.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay here. Everything I knew, everyone I loved the most had managed to crush me all at once.

As soon as finals were done, I took off for Forks. I needed to get away, I needed to think, and I needed my dad. He'd stayed with me the entire time, listening patiently as I unloaded.

I told him everything― even the parts I knew he'd be displeased about, because we never kept secrets. He always said secrets were the fastest way to destroy a relationship, and since most of my relationships were in ruins at the moment, I couldn't afford to tarnish ours as well.

I rolled over on my side and stared at the wall of my childhood bedroom, studying the tiny cracks running near the crown molding and splitting the sheetrock. The tiny fissures were separating in every direction, broken apart from every angle, cracked, just like me.

"Bella, you wanna come down and have some lunch before you head back?" Dad asked leaning against the door jam, a look of concern etched in his features.

"Yeah, I guess I should get moving." I sighed, pushing off the bed.

"You know you can stay here a little longer if you want."

"I know. But I can't hide forever." I shrugged, anger making my jaw tense when tears began to pool in my eyes.

"Bella, I'm so sorry about everything. I just...I thought, well, it doesn't matter what I thought." He sniffed, before crossing the room and wrapping me in a hug.

"This is so hard, Daddy." I wrapped my arms around his back, fisting his shirt.

"I know, honey. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, something I could do, but we both know there isn't. Just know that I love you, and I'm here for you, whatever you need."

I sniffed and pulled away, nodding that I understood. "I've made a decision," I whispered, blinking back tears before meeting his eyes.

His face pinched as he stared at me. "You're leaving."

"I have to. I can't stay there anymore. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, there's nothing but reminders. I thought I could stay, but after what happened with Emmett..." I trailed off, my mind fighting desperately to keep all the broken parts inside of me together, every piece that had been preyed upon and nearly destroyed.

"Do you know where?"

"I'm not sure. Chicago, maybe. I have to finish the last two weeks of my internship and tell Ms. Cope I won't be staying. After that, I'll have two weeks left on my lease. I applied to a few places yesterday, but I may just go...play it by ear."

"So one more month."

"One more month."

I wished I could stay in the bubble I'd cocooned myself in the past few days, to stay in Forks a little longer, but it was Sunday and I was due back to work tomorrow morning. And as much as I wanted to say the hell with it and just leave, I couldn't do that to Ms. Cope. Plus, I'd need her as a reference for any job I applied for.

"Whatever you need. I mean that."

We ate lunch and tried to talk about things other than the shambles my life had become, both of us ignoring how my phone vibrated constantly on the table beside me.

The drive back to Seattle was quiet. I'd learned something about myself during the last month―I hated silence. But I also hated the music here, because every station seemed to know the exact moment I'd be listening and would play one of Edward's songs.

Songs I had loved when he played in a dive bar on Thursday nights when we were twenty, songs from when we traveled all over the US for two years, and songs he'd written once I'd started back to school.

Four years of his heart and soul poured out into his love for music, his love for me, and I couldn't listen to a single note without dying inside.

The next morning, I steeled myself and climbed the steps to Ms. Cope's office. I wasn't looking forward to this particular conversation, but I wanted to give her enough time to find someone else to fill the position she had offered me.

"Are you sure about this, Bella?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think it's the best thing for me."

"We're sure going to miss you around here. Have you found anything yet? Any idea where you plan to go?"

"Chicago. I want to go to Chicago. They have some excellent smaller film production companies, and I hope that will make it a little easier for me to get my foot in the door."

"I have a few contacts out there, if you'd like me to make some phone calls for you. Check into a couple of places."

"That'd be great." I smiled.

After my conversation with Ms. Cope I tried to put all of my focus into getting through the next month, but it was difficult when time moved in slow motion and fast blurs. It sped up when I was having a good day, and slowed to a painful grinding stillness when I wasn't.

I grabbed my bottle of wine and fell onto the floor in front of my coffee table, staring at the cake my co-workers had given me earlier at my going away party. My internship was done and two more weeks were gone. Over. Everyone was full of smiles, well wishes, and positive predictions of my future, but all I felt was empty.

Lifting my gaze to the room, I took in the scene around me, boxes once again littering and cluttering every surface. Except this time, it wasn't with the excitement of moving into a home my boyfriend had bought for us. No, this time it was to prepare for a move halfway across the country to a city I didn't know, for a job I didn't have.

Two more weeks, and just like so many other things in my life, Seattle would become a part of my past. The thought hurt more than I was willing to admit.

Outwardly I may have seemed like I was handling everything so well, but inwardly, it was all a lie, because inside― my heart wasn't getting any better; it was getting worse.

People say that in time, wounds heal. Those people are either full of shit or have never had their heart ripped out. Because time, hasn't healed shit.

I shook my head and downed my wine, my eyes swollen and red. I was so tired and felt emotionally and physically drained. I grabbed the magazine I swore to throw away last week and looked at the cover. It was another trash mag that had a picture of Edward stumbling out of bar with that skank Alice hanging on his arm.

_**Masen's New Girlfriend**_was splashed across the top with smaller print at the bottom _**Inside sources say it's the real deal. They're in love.**_

Edward had lost his shit when that magazine hit print. He had called my phone repeatedly, leaving message after message begging me to believe him when he said none of it was true.

I knew he hated Alice; I knew there was no way they were dating. At least the Edward _I_ knew wouldn't date her, but this new Edward, the one who cheated on me...well, I couldn't be so sure. But he would date again, someone, somewhere, and as hurt and angry as I was, the thought still left me feeling nothing short of devastated.

Now the latest edition of the Edward Masen saga was back to blaming our break up for the newest drama. One of his loyal fans had somehow tracked down my address and decided to leave me a copy of a new magazine along with a note telling me to get my shit together and forgive him before something happens to him, because then...I'll be to blame.

There was no girl in this picture though. Not unless you count the female officer holding the door open as he was led into the back of the police car. Bar Fight Brawl was this headline, followed up with speculation of drug use since our split.

Edward was falling apart right in front of my eyes, but how could I be expected to pull him back together when I was barely managing to do it for myself? And I was so damn lonely; my entire universe had centered around Edward, Emmett, and Rose, and without them I felt like I was the only person in the world.

I wanted to smile, laugh, and flirt. I wanted to be held, told I was pretty, and know that someone wanted me.

And when I closed my eyes and pictured that moment of being wrapped in warm masculine arms, I wanted to look up and not see Edward's blazing green eyes staring down at me― but never had my heart, or my head, visualized anything else, and I had no idea how to stop.

* * *

**A/N**

**So no cliffy! Yah... *shifts uncomfortably* **

**Anywho...Mid Night Cougar wrote an awesome rec for Glass House over on the Rob Attack blog, it's awesome! Thanks lady!**

**Perry Maxwell betas, thank God.**

**Joo, Rose, Modernsafri1, and Amber read this hot mess. O_oza, well she does a little bit of everything. And thanks to Edward's Eternal for pitching in with this chapter, it was all kinds of awesome of you.**

**See y'all soon!**

**~Liv**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

**EPOV**

"You have to stop this, Edward. I can't keep covering up shit for you." Jamie sighed, dropping a stack of magazines in front of me.

I leaned back in my chair and took a pull off my cigarette, eyeing him coolly.

"Covering for me, Jamie?" I asked, my tone mocking. "Please, tell me when in the fuck you've covered for me." I grabbed the stack of magazines and flung them toward him, my face twisted with disgust.

"Was it when I was being carried out of a bar drunk? Maybe the time I was being led into a police car? Or how about the motherfucking time," I jumped to my feet and slammed my hands against the desk, "those piece of shit magazines printed that Alice was my new fucking girlfriend? Huh? When in the fuck have you covered shit for me?"

"When have I covered for you? Are you serious right now?" he shot back, his voice rising. "How about when I lifted the bottle of pills out of your pocket before you were shoved into the back of that police car? Or paid off that fucking cop when you tried to buy coke from him off the street. Jesus Christ, Edward, what in the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

"She's gone!" I roared, my breathing labored. I felt caged, like I was being shoved into a pitch black hole and the last traces of light were fading, syphoning what little pieces of Bella still remained and taking away my reason for _everything_.

"And do you think this is going to bring her back?" he challenged. "Do you honestly believe in that drug-induced head of yours that being arrested and pictured completely trashed is going to make her come running back? You fucking know better than that."

The air left my lungs in one big gust. I swayed before falling into the chair and cradled my face in my hands. "It's the only way I can deal without her."

"You have to figure out something, man." His voice was lower, calmer, but not the least bit soothing. "Have you spoken to Emmett lately?"

I shook my head, not bothering to look up. I hadn't seen Emmett since he showed up at my house pouring fucking buckets of water on my head and demanded I get my shit together. He told me about his confrontation with Bella and how because of my fuckup, he'd lost his oldest friend and possibly his girlfriend as well.

"_What are you doing, Edward? Huh?"_

"_I'm surviving." I answered, pushing wet hair out of my face._

"_Bullshit. You're hiding. You're fucking wallowing like a coward."_

"_You don't know shit about me, Emmett."_

"_You're right. I don't. Because the Edward I know, he would never break his girl's heart. He'd never hurt her that way."_

_I was on my feet before I could think, my fist connecting with his jaw, the sound of bone meeting bone exploding in the quiet room. It didn't matter that he was right. It didn't matter that I had no excuse for what I'd done or the pain I'd caused. Nothing mattered except stopping the image of Bella's beautiful, broken face that morning from haunting my mind― when my entire world shattered._

_He laughed humorlessly, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand._

"_So it's like that?"_

_My chest clenched, conflicting emotions fighting for dominance―cut him loose, ask for forgiveness, or slip a little further into the blanket of nothingness that I'd become so comfortable with._

_I stared at him for a split second, before letting my eyes slide to my desk, locking on the pill bottle turned on it's side, containing the mask for all my pain._

"_It's like that."_

Fuck him. I didn't tell him to cover for me. I never asked for that shit. I get that he'd lost Bella too, and that sucked for not just him, but Bella as well... because now she had no one. And as far as Rosalie went, the key word to that statement was _possibly_. He could _possibly_ lose her. I _had_ lost the fucking love of my life.

"What about old man Mallory?" His tone was off, it immediately set me on edge.

"My old landlord?" He nodded. "Why the fuck would I hear from him? Is Bella having trouble paying the rent? Give him whatever he wants. I don't want her struggling with anything."

"It's not that. Now don't fucking overreact—"

"What's going on, Jamie? Don't fuck with me." My heart rate spiked as I jumped to my feet and looked around the room for my phone. Had something happened to her? Had she moved out? Oh, fuck me. What if she left? "TELL ME!"

"Calm down! She doesn't owe money and she still lives there. There have just been some _incidents_ he wanted to make you aware of."

I bit my tongue even though it took every ounce of my willpower to do so. Interrupting him would only prolong him getting to the damn point.

"Apparently some of your more dedicated fans are blaming Bella for your recent behavior. Mr. Mallory has been finding hate letters and magazines and some other things he said he'd rather not think about at Bella's door. He's been able to get most of them before she sees them, but there is no way he can guarantee catching them all."

I felt sick; not only was she having to deal with my bullshit, but now she was having to deal with other people's bullshit because of me. Then I got pissed. "Who the fuck do these people think they are interfering with my personal life?" I ground out, my jaw clenched.

"Oh, Edward, those drugs really have messed you up if you are seriously asking that question." Victoria laughed, walking into the room and over to Jamie.

"Don't start your shit with me, Vic."

"I'm sorry, did I just cross into another dimension where I suddenly tolerate your bullshit? Because I can't think of any instance in this one where I have ever warranted that kind of attitude from you..." she challenged in a tone that let me know she wasn't having any of my shit. She raised her brow and placed both of her hands on hips, ready for a fight.

Fuck. Vic was one of the few people who had come into my life since I was signed that I actually liked; it also didn't hurt that she looked like my mom. I wasn't trying to be an asshole, but I wasn't feeling very considerate right now.

"This isn't about you, Vic. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not in a great fucking place right now." I swept my arms out wide over the mess of magazines littered around the room.

"I know you're not." Her voice was low, her eyes soft. "But Jamie's right. The rags aren't going to back off, and the fans aren't going to leave Bella alone until you get it together."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do?" I fell into my chair again and yanked at my hair. "I miss her so fucking much. And I can _feel_ her slipping away from me. Every day that passes, it's like she moves a little farther out of reach. And I know one of these days I'm gonna wake up and not be able to feel her, and that day will be the end of me."

The room was silent for several minutes. The only sound was my labored breathing as I tried to suck air into my constricted lungs.

"Oh, Edward." Vic squatted in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck. But it was all wrong: the smell of her skin, the heat from her body, the texture of her hair as it brushed against my face. "You know I love Bella. Let me talk to her."

"And tell her what, Vic? I fucked up. I did this. And the sad fucking thing is, I can barely remember any of it. I can't even attempt to explain, because I don't fucking remember!" I reached up and grabbed her hands, pulling them from my neck―I couldn't stand to have her touching me any longer.

"I don't know, Edward. I'm just trying to help..." she snapped, frustration clear in her tone as she stepped away from me and leaned against Jamie.

"I think the first thing you should do is go out in public...sober," Jamie cut in.

"What the fuck for?" I scoffed and eyed the bottle of Jack sitting on my desk.

"So people can see you haven't turned into a full-blown addict. Maybe then they'll back off Bella. The mags won't print shit if you don't give them anything."

Just hearing her name caused my chest to ache and the pill bottle in my pocket to burn into my leg like it was branding me. But I could stay straight for a few hours, put on a front, pretend.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked, resigned.

"We should go out tonight, low key, maybe that bar over at Hood Canal. We can go out, have a couple of beers, you sign some autographs, and then we're out of there."

I sighed and fisted my hair. For Bella, I could do this. "Fine, I need to shower. Give me an hour?"

"Sure, I need to drop Vic off. I'll swing back by here and pick you up then."

I nodded and waved them off, walking to my bedroom in the back of the house. I stood in the doorway, my eyes scanning the room, trying to see anything but the image of that girl in my bed and Bella's broken face as she'd stared at me. I'd replaced everything, moved furniture around, but nothing worked; it didn't matter. The only thing that could make it better was the one person who would never step foot in this room again.

"Fuck." I ripped my shirt off, my entire body breaking out in a cold sweat. Would I always feel like this? Every time I thought about her, every time I thought about how long it'd been since her skin had slid against mine?

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills, popping two Xanax before tossing the bottle on the bed. I would be okay with two, just to mellow me out, stop the feeling of suffocation from becoming too strong.

By the time I'd showered and changed, and taken a couple of shots to balance out the pills, my eyelids were heavy, and my mind was numb. It was exactly what I needed to get through this bullshit dog and pony show.

"You ready?" Jamie asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Yup."

"Are you high?" His eyes narrowed as he searched my face.

"I took a Xanax. I figured it would keep me from being an asshole." I shrugged, a sly grin on my face.

"And that's all?"

"That's it," I lied.

The drive to the bar was quick, but long enough for the Jack to kill the overly numb feeling from the pills and sharpen the edges just a little.

"I'm going to go in ahead of you, get us a table. You hang out here for a few minutes, smoke a cigarette, talk to people..." he instructed, pulling the door open.

"Whatever," I mumbled, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it as I stepped out of the car.

"Aren't you Edward Masen?" a girl asked, her smile a little too big, her posture exaggerated so her tits stuck out.

"The one and only." I nodded, stepping onto the sidewalk and moving closer to the building.

"Can I have your autograph?" She leaned into me, and suddenly the edge was a little sharper, the whiskey causing my temper to spike and dip rapidly.

"No problem," I answered, my jaw clenched.

For the next however many fucking minutes,I faked and smiled and acted just how I was supposed to, each second more painful than the last, until finally I'd had enough.

"Sorry guys, I'm gonna head inside now." I smirked at the way a few of the girls' faces fell. They didn't stand a fucking chance.

I pulled the door open, immediately feeling on edge, an uneasy feeling creeping over me. I scanned the room for Jamie, my breath catching when I spotted him at a table in the back of the room. But it wasn't Jamie that made my throat tighten and my chest clench; it was the person sitting across from him.

Bella.

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**A/N**

**We can go ahead and brand me cliffy bitch. Cause yeah. I get it.**

**Sooo, I didn't send review replies to everyone. I asked people on Twitter and FB and they promised me y'all would rather have a chapter than a review reply. I don't plan on stopping replies, it's just posting twice a week, it's hard to do them all. I really hope y'all understand and know that I love the shit out of you for taking the time to review. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. **

**Perry=beta ninja**

**Rose, Joo, O_oza (who finished all the chapters today and yelled at me a lot) Modernsafari1, and Amber preread. I don't know what I would do without them.**

**Thank the girls in the Glass House Support Group on FB for this early update, they are persuasive as hell.**

**And Happiest of birthdays to my fellow Bobby Long lover Mercury Tales!**

**Also can I say, Chapter 11...well it's the chapter that started this entire story and I can not wait to share it with you. **

**Until next time!**

**MWAH!**

**~Liv**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Not Mine.**

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**Chapter Eleven**

**BPOV**

I polished off my glass of wine as I stared at myself in the mirror. I'd fixed my hair, put on nice clothes, and even took the time to do my makeup. I looked good, I felt good, sorta.

I wasn't foolish enough to believe the temporary high was for any reason other than the soft job offer Esme Platt, from Luminair Media had made earlier today. It was the third time we'd spoken, and pending a background check, I'd have a job waiting for me when I arrived in Chicago.

She'd even given me her landlord's contact information because apparently there were some vacant units in her building. Luckily they had a one bedroom unit I could actually afford, so as of two hours ago, I had secured a place to live.

I'd have the furniture I wanted to take shipped Monday, and the rest would be donated. But today was Friday, and I was going out. I couldn't stand to be cooped up in this apartment one more second. I had one week left to enjoy Seattle, and then I was gone―for good.

As easily as things were falling into place, there was an undercurrent of melancholy that could not be ignored. A part of me knew once I boarded that plane, I would be truly severing all ties with my past, with the life I never wanted to leave, but I wasn't given a choice in the matter. Not one I could live with anyway.

Edward's face flashed in my mind, a searing pain etching into my chest because the face wasn't the one he carried now―run down, haggard, and high―but the beautiful boy whose smile could light up the world.

"_Can you believe it, baby?" He laughed, scooping me up in his arms and spinning us around before kissing me breathless._

"_Of course I can! You deserve it." My smile was so wide my cheeks ached, but I didn't care. My boy had just been signed, and his smile lit up the room._

"_But what about school, my degree?" His brows dipped slightly, a small frown marring his beautiful face._

"_You can always go back, but right now, this opportunity? It's a once in a lifetime chance. Live your dream, baby."_

_He tipped my face to his, his eyes soft and intense all at once. His thumb swept across my parted lips before he whispered, "I already am. I have you."_

I glanced at the mirror. All of the makeup I worked so meticulously on now slid down my cheeks. When did it all change? When did everything start to slip away and crack until the fault ripped open and left us standing on opposite sides?

I wiped the tears from my face and straightened my back before I grabbed my purse and left the apartment. I headed to one of my favorite bars, intent on wiping away the hollow ache that had settled deep in my bones and losing myself in something other than my memories.

I crossed the bar and slid into a booth near the back. I wanted to see people, wanted to watch them move and dance, smile and flirt. I wanted someone to see me too, someone to smile that special smile that held promises of teeth and tongue, strong arms and harsh breaths. I wanted to forget― wanted to be as lost as I felt.

I motioned to the waitress and ordered a shot of tequila. And then another. And another. Until the edges were dulled, the memories fuzzy, and the pain in my chest subsided enough so I could take a real breath. One that filled my lungs, expanding my hollow, empty chest― nothing more than the tattered remains of a love that was a lie.

As I surveyed the room, I noticed more than a few glances were being cast my way. Did they find me attractive? Think I was pathetic for sitting alone in a bar on a Friday night drinking myself stupid? Maybe they recognized me: Edward Masen's long time girlfriend. But I wasn't his girlfriend. I wasn't his anything. And he wasn't mine.

Another shot. More glances. Shy smiles and discrete movements, closer, and then closer still.

I wanted this. I wanted them. I needed to feel connected to someone, anyone, if only for a little while, just so I could prove that I wasn't as dead as I felt inside.

"Bella?"

I rolled my head to the side, a lazy smile tugging at my mouth.

"Jamie." I beamed.

"Whatcha doin here, Bella?" he asked, his face pinched.

"C'mon, Jamie, isn't it obvious?" I smirked, waving my hand towards the new shot on the table in front of me. "I'm having a drink. Come. Sit with me; have a drink with me."

He shook his head, twisting to peer over his shoulder toward the door before slowly sliding into the seat across from me. I downed my shot, slamming the glass back onto the table.

"So, what are you buying me?" My tongue felt thick, numb. I ran it across my teeth, the sensation oddly arousing. I needed to get laid. I flicked my eyes across the bar quickly― my would-be suitors, my one-night stands, my means to an end― were in pursuit of others now, Jamie's presence obviously casting doubt about my intentions.

"I'm not sure―"

"You owe me," I interrupted, anger flaring in my chest like a smoldering fire. But pain brought awareness...it brought feelings; neither of which I was interested in experiencing. I inhaled deeply, thinking only of the wooden table that lay flat beneath my fingers, the rough edges catching on dried and neglected skin. I opened my eyes and studied him for a second, gathering what few conscious thoughts I had remaining.

"You owe me," I repeated slowly, "because had you never come into my life―into Edward's life―then I wouldn't be here...like this...alone." I nodded my head, leaning against the back of the booth and waiting.

"Would that make it easier?" he asked, shifting forward across the table. "If I took the blame? Told you I was responsible for everything that happened? Would you take him back?" His face was open, soft, but there was also a hint of desperation that colored his tone. Something else behind his words―an ulterior motive lurking in the shadows― something that would benefit him as well.

"_Are_ you to blame? Did you hold the straw under his nose? Did you stick his dick in that whore?" I hesitated for a beat. "No? Then don't try and pacify me with bullshit excuses." I waved the waitress over, annoyed that Jamie's presence was conjuring up memories I'd rather stay dead and buried.

"Bella, why don't we call one of your friends?"

I bellowed out a laugh, the abrupt sound choking me, the act so foreign to me now. "I have no friends." The words fell from lips, dead, flat, lifeless.

"Sure you do, Bella. You have Emmett and―"

I slammed my palm against the table, my motions sloppy as my balance tipped. But it worked, the noise silencing him before he uttered another word.

"If Emmett is my friend, then I am better off sleeping with a poisonous snake." I hissed. "Do you know what he was going to do, Jamie?" I leaned over the table, my voice lowering. "He was going to cover for him. He was going to hide what happened from me."

"I'm sure that's not right," he stammered, his eyes shifting away from me.

"Oh, yes," I whispered conspiratorially, "he said 'there's still time' to Edward right when I walked through his bedroom door. What if I had gone to the other side of the house? To the studio like Emmett suggested? I may have never known..." I trailed off, my stomach twisting, my numbness slipping a little, leaving me cold, empty and so fucking alone.

Another shot.

"See, I didn't catch what he'd meant right away," I continued, leaning forward as I spoke through gritted teeth, the burn of the liquor sliding down my throat. "It wasn't until weeks later when I thought I'd stop at the first bottle of wine―thinking surely one should chase the nightmares away―that I woke gasping for air as memories flashed behind my eyes. Little puzzle pieces sliding into place. So friends? No. I'm better off."

I looked down at the shot placed in front of me, offering the waitress a small smile as she turned and left. I reached for the glass, my blurred vision and clumsy movement causing my fingers to smack against the side of the glass, sending it flying from the table and crashing to the floor.

"Oops." I laughed.

"Bella, I think we should get you out of here," Jamie said, looking around the bar nervously. "People may recognize you."

I waved my hand dismissively.

"Doesn't matter." I shrugged. "I'm leaving anyway."

He sighed in relief, his posture relaxing. "Do you want me to call you a cab?"

I shook my head at him, my tongue clicking against the roof of my mouth.

"I don't mean the bar. I mean like, _leaving on a jet plane_," I sang.

"What?"

"Town, Jamie. I'm leaving. I have to get away from here and the memories, the people, and the life that doesn't belong to me any longer. I'm done."

"Bella, no. You can't do that. You're not thinking clearly."

"I won't survive if I stay," I whispered, my eyes dropping to the glass in front of me, the golden liquid promising relief from the constant ache of his absence . "Leaving town...it's the only chance I have."

"The fuck it is."

I jerked back, the sound of Edward's dark, angry voice startling. He loomed over the table, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, his eyes wild as they darted over my face. It was the first time I'd been this close to him since the day he was released from the hospital― the day after my entire world fell apart― and the sight of him was crippling. Jamie slid from the booth and grabbed Edward's arm, tugging him back.

"C'mon, man, let's get out of here."

Edward shot him a deadly glare and wrenched his arm free. He turned back toward me, his palms resting flat against the table as he towered over me, his eyes boring into mine.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" he asked through clenched teeth, his body vibrating with anger.

"I don't think that's really any of your fucking business." A hole ripped through my chest at the truth behind my words. He let out a dark chuckle, dipping his chin and shaking his head once before lifting his eyes to mine once more, his expression filled with disbelief―the intensity of his gaze staggering.

"You've gotta be out of your fucking mind if you think you're leaving."

He was so confident, and just like the times before, more than a little frightening. I glanced at Jamie, who was shuffling his feet from side to side, his eyes darting around the bar. A crowd had begun to edge closer, camera phones aimed in our direction― trying to get a glimpse, a picture, a story to tell their friends about their sighting of the great Edward Masen.

"Don't look at him," he barked. "Look at me. This is about us."

"Was it about us when you were fucking that whore in your bed?" I shouted, staggering to my feet. My footing slipped, causing my body to fall against his. The contact, the heat, the bone-deep feeling of being alive shocked my system and scorched me to the core. "You ruined _everything_. I am _not_ an idiot; I won't let you hurt me _ever_ again." My throat closed and my eyes stung as tears welled and spilled, humiliation and hurt causing each ragged breath I drew into my body to ache.

"Why won't you fight for us?" he demanded, his arms wrapping around my shoulders and anchoring me to him, even as I fought to pull away. He dropped his face to my neck, his lips pressing against my skin, burning into me like a branding iron.

"Please tell me." He inhaled deeply, his words muffled― his voice soft, broken.

"Why did you destroy us? Why did you throw away everything we had?" I choked as I pushed him away, frustration and defeat sucking me dry. The room was silent: no music, no clattering of glasses and bottles, no hushed conversations, just gasping breaths and muffled sobs.

We stared at one another, each waiting on an answer that would never come. I leaned over the seat, snatching up my purse and throwing a wad of cash onto the table.

I looked at him, his fist clenched at his sides, clothes rumpled, eyes and nose rimmed in red, a bright pink scar marring his temple. The man I loved was nowhere to be seen, just a ghost of the boy who was my best friend and the man I fell in love with.

All of the good and beautiful parts of him were buried in a decaying shell, ruined by long hours, hard work, and harder drugs. I shook my head and moved to step around him as his arm shot out and grasped my elbow.

"Let me go, Edward."

"Why won't you give me a chance to explain? To fix this?" he begged, his words garbled, his voice so low I could barely hear him.

"Because you broke me. You don't deserve anything else." I pulled away from him and walked through the crowd as their whispers grew louder. I didn't bother to look back when the sound of shattering glass, splintering wood, and angry voices rang out behind me.

I couldn't be leaving for Chicago soon enough.

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**A/N**

**Perry Maxwell is my beta, and so much more. I can't tell you guys how much better she made this chapter, and she deserves props for all she did. Thank you for everything you do, this story wouldn't be what it is without you.**

**If y'all want some more angst, go read her story Unrequited.**

**O_oza, Rose, Amber, Modersafari1, and Joo are my fab five and I love them. **

**See y'all in a few days!**

**~Liv**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

**EPOV**

I watched her walk away, the crowd shifting and moving as she glided out the door and away from me.

She was leaving; it really was over.

"Goddamn it!" I roared, picking up the chair behind me and slamming it into the side of the booth.

"Edward, calm the fuck down, man!" Jamie wrapped his hands around my arms and tried to pull me toward him.

Fuck him.

"Fuck you." I wrenched my arms free. "Did you hear her? Did you hear what the fuck she said?" I pointed at the door as I stepped closer to him, our faces almost touching. "Don't fucking tell me to calm down."

"Let's just get out of here. C'mon, people are staring―"

"Do you think I give a _fuck_ about these people?" I laughed angrily, sweeping my arms out in front of me. "None of you motherfuckers mean shit to me. None of you. Do you hear me? Huh? Do you?"

I grabbed the glass on the table behind me and launched it across the room, my jaw clenching with satisfaction when the glass shattered and several people cried out.

"The only person that matters just walked out the motherfucking door." As soon as the words left my lips, my entire body stiffened. She'd just walked out the door, she said she was leaving town...and I was still fucking standing here.

I bolted for the exit, ignoring the groans of protest and angry voices as I shoved my way through the crowd. I burst through the door, my head whipping from side to side trying to catch a glimpse of her, my heart pounding so hard I thought it might break a rib.

I spotted her about a half a block up from me as she opened the back door of a cab. "Bella!" I shouted, pushing past people and moving toward her. "Bella!"

She turned her head, her eyes widening slightly before they slid shut. She shook her head and climbed in the car, the door slamming closed behind her. I ran harder, the pills making me clumsy, but the whisky and adrenaline pulsing through me pushed me forward.

I reached the back of the cab just as it pulled away from the curb and smacked my palm against the trunk. "Stop!"

The brake light flashed briefly until Bella leaned forward and said something to the driver. The car accelerated again, but traffic was tight, so I was able to catch up to the back door where Bella sat by the window.

"Bella, please, stop. Talk to me. Please." I pressed my palm flat against the glass as I jogged alongside the car.

She kept her eyes forward, not even allowing me to see her face as the car began to gain speed. "You can't leave, Bella. Please, God." I sucked in a deep breath, my lungs burning from too many cigarettes and not enough exercise. "I can't do this without you. How am I supposed to do this without you?"

I smacked my hand against the glass over and over, my pulse thundering in my ears. "Bella, please, _please_―I love you. I'm so fucking sorry, baby. Please, just fucking look at me!"

And when she did, I wished she wouldn't have, because if the tears spilling down her cheeks weren't enough to fucking break me, the heart-wrenching sadness in her eyes as her face twisted and crumpled would have.

She lifted her hand to the glass, pressing her palm flat on the opposite side of mine before mouthing, "Goodbye, Edward."

It was the last thing I saw before she pulled her hand away and covered her face with both hands, her shoulders jerking with each sob that choked her breathing. The car was gone, and I stood motionless on the side of the street, my heart aching as my chest cracked wide open.

Cars horns blared as I stumbled to the sidewalk. I slipped into an alley between two buildings and fell to my knees, the exertion of chasing after her, along with the mix of booze and lack of food, doubled me over until the ground was covered with Jack Daniels and stomach bile.

"Fuck." I rocked back and forth as my mind tried to comprehend her not being here, tried to imagine a life of which she truly was no longer a part of―I vomited again.

"C'mon, man, I've got the car," Jamie urged, pulling me to my feet. I didn't protest. I didn't care anymore― about anything― because my everything had just severed her final tie with me.

There are many varying degrees of the unpleasant sensation known as pain. Words like mild, moderate, and severe. But what I felt the moment she pulled away and left me on the side of the street, or the times I called her phone or stopped by her apartment only to have her ignore me, was nothing, _nothing_, compared to the all-consuming agony that lacerated through my body when I walked into the apartment we had shared for years to find it completely empty.

I'd knocked on her door, determined to talk to her, to plead with her, to get on my knees and beg her not to go, to stay and give us a chance to fix all that I had broken. But when I knocked and the door pushed open, my heart began hammering in my chest, my thoughts immediately going through all the reasons it was not only unlocked, but open. Had she been robbed? Was she hurt?

A million scenarios flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds, each one worse than the last. None of them were as bad as what I actually found after bursting through the door and running inside―Mr. Mallory talking to a contractor about what needed to be replaced and repaired for the new tenant.

The new tenant.

I stared at him open-mouthed as he instructed the guy to wait for him in the kitchen before turning to me, a sad smile on his face. I didn't remember much, only bits and pieces of the conversation registering, things like 'I'm so sorry,' 'she turned in her keys yesterday', and 'flight left this morning.'

They all translated into the exact same thing: the person I'd been with for the last eight years didn't exist anymore; she'd just ended me...us.

In a blur, I stumbled out of the empty apartment that was now nothing more than a shell that housed years and years of the best times of my life.

"_Bella, where are you?" I yelled, banging the door shut behind me._

_Silence._

"_Bella?" My anger flared that she wasn't home after all the dirty shit she'd sent me today._

_I stomped toward our bedroom, pulling my shirt up as I walked through the door._

"_Hi."_

_I jerked in surprise, ripping my shirt over my head, tearing it slightly in my attempt to get it the hell off. _

_And fuck me._

"_What―what are you doin', baby?" My eyes were wide as they traveled over her amazing half-naked body, covered in some shit I'd only seen in Playboy magazines._

"_I told you I planned on celebrating our first year living together in style." She laughed, her words breathless and sexy as hell._

"_So that's why you tortured me with dirty texts all day with pictures of you that were innocent and anything but?" I smirked, popping the button of my jeans and toeing off my shoes, my eyes heavy._

"_Maybe?" Her answer was flippant, her tone sly and coy. She was totally messing with me, and doing a stellar fucking job of it._

"_Bella, you know I couldn't concentrate for shit after you sent me those texts today. I probably bombed my Chemistry exam." I crawled onto the foot of the bed, licking my lips and turning my face toward her silky-smooth legs, but I kept my eyes up, completely focused on her._

"_You were a bad girl today." I nipped her ankle before moving to her knee and kissing her skin softly. _

"_Maybe that was the plan; maybe I wanted to be bad." Her voice, fuck, it was sultry and low and just...perfect._

"_So I get to punish you?" I laughed, sliding my hand over smooth black silk and ending with soft warm skin._

"_Baby," she whispered, cupping my face with both her hands, "you're my forever. You can do whatever you want to with me for as long as I'm breathing."_

Fuck it. I was done. This pain, the agony, the hurt...I couldn't deal. And what the fuck did I care anyway? She was gone.

I grabbed a few things from my house and left. I couldn't be there. I couldn't look at everything that was supposed to be but never was, that never would be. I checked into the first hotel I passed, pulling the heavy drapes closed as soon as I entered the room, immediately engulfing everything in darkness. Maybe the dark would be better. Maybe the blank, lost feeling that consumed me would make me understand how I was supposed to live this life without her...because right now, living was the last thing I wanted to do.

Weak light filtered under the bathroom door. A thick haze of smoke cast an eerie glow in the dark, dank room. The coffee table was littered with empty liquor bottles, smashed beer cans, and ashes carelessly flicked into the air.

The pungent odor of melting leather burned my nostrils as the cherry from my cigarette lay discarded on the couch beside me. I flattened my palm over the red-hot ball of fire and pressed down. What should have been a searing pain as my skin absorbed the heat was only a mere sting to my drug-laden senses.

She'd left.

I thought she had been fucking with me, trying to make me feel an ounce of the pain that I'd inflicted on her. And I deserved it; I knew that. But never did I let myself believe for one second that things were really over.

I moved my hand from the sofa and wrapped it around the bottle of whiskey between my thighs. Lifting it to my lips, I pulled three large gulps down my throat before letting the empty bottle fall limply to my side.

My head fell back and I closed my eyes as I tried to keep the memories at bay. It was better this way, easier to keep my mind quiet, drowning in a sea of booze and pills and whatever else I could find.

But some nights, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I drank or how much I smoked, I couldn't get her face out of my mind. Her large brown eyes that once looked at me with love and trust, now full of nothing but pain and anger.

"_Edward, baby, I can't believe you got these!" Her smile was wide, her eyes bright, happy._

"_Of course I did, crazy girl." I grinned and twisted around to face her, giving her a playful wink as I wondered for the millionth time how I got so fucking lucky._

"_Weren't they expensive?" She flipped the concert tickets over and over in her hands, inspecting them like there was some hidden secret printed somewhere._

_I shrugged and kissed her. "Nothing's too expensive for you."_

_She crawled in my lap, her knees settling outside my hips. "I love you."_

"_Yeah?" I pushed my hands under her shirt, pressing my fingers into her soft skin._

"_Oh yeah," she whispered before slipping her tongue into my mouth._

"Fuck!" I yelled, my foot shooting out and crashing into the side of the coffee table, glass shattering against the floor as wood splintered and flew across the room.

"Fuck!" I launched the bottle in my hand at the wall in front of me, the sound of breaking glass doing nothing to calm the boiling rage blazing through me. A humorless chuckle passed between my lips as I pulled another cigarette between my teeth and lit it, the room momentarily brightened from the glow of the lighter.

The destruction of the room was absolute, and it twisted my stomach. I flicked the lighter closed and tossed it on the couch as I felt around for the bottle of pills I never let get too far from my reach.

I was fairly certain I wouldn't stop until my destruction was just as absolute as this shitty room.

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**A/N**

**Sigh. **

**Thanks to my people, I love them.**

**And big birthday wishes to Lolapops whose was yesterday, and Suzie55 whose is tomorrow. A little EPOV sandwich for y'all. I know how you dirty h00rs like it. ;)**

**See y'all soon!**

**~Liv**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: not mine**

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**Chapter Thirteen**

**BPOV**

Plane rides sucked. Leaving your home and family sucked. Leaving the love of your life who also broke your heart? There were no words.

But I was trying, even if it wasn't easy. Pulling away from him in that cab felt like ripping my soul from my body and running it over with the car. The desperate phone calls, the pounding on my door, it all tore me to shreds.

I shifted my weight as I stood in the lobby of my new place of employment, trying to shake off the bad memories and focus on the here and now.

"Bella? I'm so pleased to meet you; my cousin hasn't stopped talking about your first interview."

I lifted my gaze from the floor, startled by the easy smooth voice of the man whose tone instantly relaxed my tense posture. When my eyes met his, they widened on their own accord, my body having no control over the pace of my rapidly beating heart. This man was beautiful.

Blond hair, soft blue eyes, and warmth permeated from his body, wrapping around and comforting me.

I was pretty sure I hated him for it.

"Hi, yes. I'm Bella," I responded politely, not bothering to ask his name and feeling shitty for not doing so.

"I'm Royce, Esme's cousin. She's running a little late, and by late I mean she's probably fixing her makeup after her nooner with her boyfriend Carlisle."

The shade his face turned after his obvious word vomit could only be described as scarlet. He raised one hand to cover his eyes as his other tightened into a tight ball at his side. As nervous as I was, and as little as I cared about knowing anything about him, I couldn't help the slight chuckle that spilled from my lips.

"Oh God," he groaned, not bothering to uncover his eyes. "The next time Esme asks me to meet the newest employee, I'm telling her to let me finish Carlisle off so she can do it herself."

All thoughts of professionalism left me as I double over and laughed, the sound foreign, both a welcome friend and a bitter reminder of why it was so uncommon in the first place.

"Shit―I mean damn, no dang." He let out a harsh breath and squeezed his eyes shut, his face still the crimson side of red. "I'm so awkward."

"No, it's fine." I smiled, my hand lifting to his bicep and squeezing before I realized what I was doing. The fabric of his jacket was soft, his form firm, the heat from his body...all wrong.

I jerked my hand away and smoothed it against my thigh, clearing my throat needlessly. "So what exactly do you do here?"

"Um, nothing exciting. I do the numbers. Money, I'm in charge of the money." He laughed and shook his head, peeking over his shoulder. "I actually don't interact with very many people. I'm sure you can see why."

"Royce, what's wrong with your face?"

We both turned as a beautiful brunette approached, her smile wide, her voice familiar.

"Bella, it's so great to finally meet you in person."

"You too." I smiled, shaking her hand.

"Sorry, I was running a little late. I had a meeting."

I cracked a smile and flicked my eyes to Royce who was studiously avoiding both of our gazes. "Yes, Royce explained the situation to me."

He groaned and closed his eyes before chuckling. "Esme, if you don't need anything else, I'm going back to hide in my office― indefinitely. Bella, the rest of your interactions should be reasonably normal. Sorry for, well, you know." He shrugged.

"What―" Esme started before he held up his hand.

"No. I'm leaving. Just...no." He smiled, shaking his head before spinning on his heel and disappeared down the hall.

"Well that wasn't bizarre at all."

I had to agree with her. That was probably one of the strangest introductions I'd ever had, but it also was exactly what I needed to relax.

"You wanna tell me what that was all about?" she asked with a smile.

"Not even a little."

"Fair enough. Let's get you settled in."

The rest of the day, I shuffled from office to office, shaking hands, signing papers, and setting up my desk. All the of things that were annoying and awkward, but necessary nonetheless. After finally agreeing with Esme to have dinner with her and Carlisle one night during the week, she told me to call it a day and she'd see me in the morning. I ran by my desk to grab a stack of papers I'd left, pausing when I noticed a couple of candy bars sitting on top.

I unfolded the note stuck between them, my eyes widening as I read.

_I thought as an apology for earlier I'd grab you a couple of candy bars. I even thought I was being clever by purchasing a Hundred Grand and a PayDay, because of the money, that I work with...but then I realized too late I should've just grabbed a bag of Goobers and a box of Nerds instead. Hope your first day went well._

_Forever Awkward- Royce_

I shook my head, an involuntary smile curving my lips as I shoved the papers and candy bars into my bag. I walked out into the warm evening air, the July weather in Chicago so different than Seattle.

Seattle. I'd never given much thought as to whether or not I'd stay there indefinitely, but living in a strange city alone? That had definitely never crossed my mind.

I changed out of my work clothes and started unpacking the few remaining boxes in my bedroom. I'd secluded myself when I arrived on the first of July, spending the next four days doing nothing but unpacking. I had no interest in being shoved around in the crowded streets of an unfamiliar city while people laughed and celebrated. I needed things that were familiar to me, things that made me feel comforted, like home, because right now I felt like a stranger standing in someone else's apartment― someone else's life.

I poured a glass of wine, no longer bothering to lie to myself that I'd have just one drink. Not when every empty moment, every silent second, my heart still pounded out a beat meant for no one but Edward.

His messages― I couldn't even bring myself to listen to them anymore, not after the first couple I'd received the day I left. My eyes stung as I tried to fight back tears and hold the memories at bay, but the moment my fingertips brushed against the soft cotton of his shirt I swore I wouldn't bring, the dam broke and the sound of his broken, pleading voice flooded my mind.

"_Bella, you...you're not really gone are you, baby? Please tell me this is all some bad dream and I'm going to wake up and you'll be here, and I'll be here, and we'll be happy. Tell me I really didn't ruin us, because I'm not dealing very well with this reality. I'm not dealing at all. I'm not anything, not without you. Come home, baby, come back, please. I love you."_

"_Where are you? Bella, I don't even know where you are. And I can't feel you―why can't I feel you? I'm always supposed to be able to feel you. I don't know how to do this. I push and push on my chest, trying to make it go back together, to close the sinkhole that has opened up inside me, but it won't close. And it hurts so fucking much because you're supposed to be here, and you're not. And it's my fault. How could I do that? Living without you isn't living. This is torture, nothing makes sense. I need...I need you. God, baby only you, just you, always you."_

I pressed his shirt to my face and let the soft fabric soak up the tears streaming down my cheeks. Why did he do it? Why did he ruin everything? And why did leaving him, being without him, ache through my very core and consume every free thought if it was the right thing to do?

_Was it? _A voice in the back of my head whispered.

No. No, no, no. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let myself second guess the decisions I'd made. He cheated on me, slept with another woman in the bed that was supposed to be ours_―_had been ours.

My head knew all of this already. It was my heart that kept seeming to forget. And my heart―which I'd followed blindly my entire life―was so very angry at me. The pain it punished me with daily was all the confirmation I needed.

I fell into bed hours later, sleep coming quickly as I snuggled into the shirt I promised myself only hours earlier that I wouldn't sleep in. But just like discovering my hatred for silence, something else became very clear_―_I lied to myself...a lot.

"_What do you have behind your back, Bella?" His eyes were narrowed in suspicion, eyes which I studiously avoided._

"_I have no idea what you're talking about."_

"_You realize you're the shittiest liar ever, right?" He laughed, inching closer._

_I gasped in mock surprise, covering my mouth with my hand. "How dare you call me a liar?"_

"_So you don't have anything behind your back?" His brow lifted in challenge, the cocky smirk on his face made me want to smack him, then pin him on the bed and kiss him all over._

"_Just let it go," I whined, really not wanting to have this battle...again._

_He stared at me for a second before a look of understanding crossed his face, followed by his jaw dropping in disbelief. "You didn't."_

"_Just let me have it, c'mon." I wasn't above begging, damn it._

"_You little sneak. How did you even find it? I thought I'd hidden it for sure this time."_

"_Never underestimate the determination of a girl when she wants something." I sniffed, backing toward the door._

"_And that something just has to be my favorite shirt? A shirt I bought at a concert when we were in high school, that I tried my damndest to buy for you too, but you adamantly refused."_

"_Maybe." I shrugged with a grimace. _

"_Gimmie my shirt, woman. You had a chance to buy your own."_

"_But that's the thing. I didn't want my own. I wanted to wear yours because it's big and worn, and it smells like you."_

_He licked his lips, all playfulness forgotten. "You want to smell like me?" he whispered._

"_You smell really good," I answered, stepping closer to him, all thoughts of leaving the room gone the instant he started looking at me that way._

"_I can think of some other ways to make you smell like me." His grin was devious, dark, trouble. _

_I wanted it all. And I got it._

_Breathless and spent, his last words before we both drifted to sleep were no more than a whisper. "You can have the shirt, baby. Everything I have is yours anyway."_

I rubbed concealer under my eyes, the puffy dark circles becoming worse each day. I stared at myself in the mirror, searching my face for a trace of that girl: the happy one who laughed all the time, who was carefree and silly. But she had been in love, with stars in her eyes and dreams of a blissful forever. Dreams that―just like that girl―no longer existed.

I checked my watch and sighed, casting one more sad glance at my reflection before heading to Esme's apartment for dinner. The last month had barrelled by, most of the time leaving my head spinning. But at night, when I was alone, nothing about the time passed quickly.

Because my dreams were filled with moments of the past―both good and bad―and they tortured me relentlessly. Not to mention the texts from Edward that I tried so hard to avoid reading, although lately they made very little sense. Ramblings that made my gut twist, that made me wonder exactly what kind of state of mind he was in.

I hadn't seen pictures of him in magazines lately. He'd become hidden, out of the public eye, and I really didn't know what to think of that. But calling and checking wasn't an option, because if it was bad, I would go back, and_ that_ wasn't an option either.

Esme had been a godsend, not to mention Carlisle, who was one of the funniest guys I'd ever met. Between the two of them, they made me feel normal, like I could breathe, like I really had a chance of moving on with my life.

Then there was Royce.

I still wasn't sure what to think about him and his daily candy bombs on my desk. Goobers and Nerds included. Esme had confessed that she'd secretly thought he was gay, because she'd never seen him show the slightest bit of interest in anyone―until me.

It was both flattering and troubling, because as nice as it was to have someone interested in me, I was in no place to start dating. And I didn't see Royce as a one-night stand kind of guy.

The first time he'd invited me out for coffee, I'd been so shocked I was agreeing before I even realized what I was doing. It was nice, easy, relaxed―boring. And the guilt that still ate away at me was all-consuming and infuriating at the same time.

When would it stop?

I wasn't the one who asked to have my life flipped upside down. I wasn't the one who asked to wake up in the middle of the night fisting his shirt because it was the only piece of him I had left.

I knocked on Esme's door, clutching the bottle of wine I'd bought to go with dinner, not that I expected there to be any left by the time we sat down to eat. There never was.

"Hey, Bella, come on in." Carlisle smiled, opening the door wider.

"Thanks."

"Esme should be in the kitchen if you want to go on in."

I smiled and nodded, crossing the living room into the kitchen. But Esme wasn't who I found, and I couldn't stop the gasp that almost caused the bottle of wine to slip from my hand.

"Hey, Bella." His voice was low, shy. But his presence wasn't what surprised me, it was how he looked. Dark, loose fitting jeans, casual button down rolled up to his elbows, and...he was barefoot. He shifted on his feet and cleared his throat, my eyes snapping to his as he pushed his glasses up his nose and wiped his free hand over the apron tied around his waist.

"You cook?" My voice was high and weird.

"Um, yeah. A little. But not right now. I was just cutting up some stuff for Esme." He shrugged before his eyes widened and he started speaking quickly. "I hope you don't mind. I was going over some financial statements with Carlisle for his bar, and they offered me food as payment."

It really wasn't fine. But it wasn't like I could say "Hey, actually, Royce, I really would rather you leave, because you make me uncomfortable for reasons I can't even to bring myself to think about."

"No, it's fine. Do you know where the bottle opener is?" I asked, not wanting to wait another second for a drink.

"Yeah, sure."

He grabbed the bottle from my clammy hand, his hand covering mine unnecessarily before pulling away slowly.

Yes, I definitely needed that drink.

As soon as my glass was full, I was gone. I spent the rest of the evening chatting about Carlisle's bar and about how much of an asshole Esme's dad was to him. Apparently he didn't approve of her dating a bartender, never mind that he actually owned the bar.

But at twenty-six, she was the youngest executive in the company, and as long as she didn't run off and marry the lowly bartender, she'd have the job as long as she wanted it. One of the perks of being the only child of the owner I guess.

And since they lived together anyway, neither felt the need to push the issue, because shacking up was obviously not a hard limit for dear old Daddy.

After a few glasses of wine, I started to unwind, my nerves settling, and my shoulders relaxing. I smiled and laughed all through drinks and dinner, it felt good. It felt like progress. My phone beeped and without even thinking, I unlocked the screen, laughing immediately at the text from my dad.

**Caught the biggest fish ever today. Wish you were here to cook it.**

I grinned as I typed out a reply, imagining his face as I told him to take it to the diner and have Cora cook it up; he really hated her.

I set my phone in my lap and returned my attention back to Royce. He was so different outside of work, still nervous and awkward, but in an attractive way. And I wasn't blind or stupid. I saw the way he looked at me. I saw the mischievous twinkle in Esme's eyes when she caught us staring at each other. I knew where this could go. The question was―was I ready for it?

My phone beeped again, and I laughed as I thought about what smartass reply my dad had come up with. But when I looked down at the screen, it wasn't my dad who had texted me.

**When Im numb it doesnt hutr. so i stay tht way. num. it makse mising you not so bad. i think ill stay thsi way. i cant stand any othre way. lvu you so muhc. im dying insied. num. yes. yes.**

And just like that my smile was gone, my body was tense, and my stomach was twisted in knots. All at once turning the light happy atmosphere ―albeit a little awkward― to painfully suffocating.

I'd been so good at deleting his messages, at not torturing myself with his broken words. But some days... my heart screamed so much louder than my head. In those weakened moments, my thumb only hovered for the briefest of moments over the delete button before sliding away from the screen. And not until I was home, and there was nothing but me and the four walls would I give into my weakness.

But it was messages like these that left me feeling as if a boulder had been dropped on my stomach. Guilt I shouldn't feel, worry I couldn't help, and longing that wouldn't be ignored.

"Are you okay?" Royce asked, his eyes darting over my face, his brows lowered.

"I'm fine." I lied, sucking in a deep, steady breath and releasing it slowly.

I tried to smile, to mentally keep myself here in the room, but as the people around me continued to smile and laugh, all I could think about was Edward. Where was he? Was he alone? And just how fucked up was he to send a message like that?

My throat began to tighten no matter how hard I fought against it. My skin tingled and itched as nervous energy radiated through me― I felt trapped. I balled my fist until the tips of my nails dug into my skin, anything to distract me from the images bouncing around in my head.

It was just too much.

"I better get going." I smiled, my tone even, neutral.

"So soon?" Esme asked, rising to her feet.

I shrugged before waving my phone in front of me, the smile on my face small, fake. "My Dad wants to chat; I should call before it gets too late."

"Are you sure?" Royce asked.

I swallowed heavily, trying to control my emotions, trying to not let my guilt for lying and my shame for being so weak break me before I could make it back to my apartment.

"Yeah, thanks for dinner. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

It took five minutes for me to leave the apartment and then a couple more to finally shut the door to my apartment. I walked numbly to the bedroom, stripping my clothes and dropping them on the floor before falling face first onto the bed.

I buried my face in my pillow and screamed through gritted teeth. I wasn't fine, I wasn't moving on, and I wasn't over Edward. I was, however, realizing just how much I sucked at pretending that I was.

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**A/N**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY CEJSMOM! Hope this was a good enough substitute for my lack of new Robporn for you!**

**Perry is my beta and continues to challenge me every chapter, love your face girl. Thank you for all you do.**

**Joo (who I tweeted relentlessly this morning until the alerts woke her up) and Ooza helped me mucho with this chapter and my insanity. Thanks, you two! LOL**

**Rose, Modernsafari1, and Amber round out my amazing support for this story. I love all of you so damn much.**

**One quick note...I just want to remind you guys of the A/N from the first chapter, this story will drag your heart through the mud *looks at fic category* Angst guys, angst. I get that some of you are frustrated, and I'm sorry for that, the story will tell itself all in due time.**

**And can I say holy crap with the reviews?! You guys are blowing my freaking mind! Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**See ya soon! **

**~Liv**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Fourteen **

**EPOV**

**JULY**

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	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Fifteen**

**BPOV**

Decisions: selecting a mental course of action among several alternative scenarios.

I made them everyday. From the insignificant, small things like what I'd eat for breakfast to the significant, life changing ones, like would I ever let him go?

While I excelled in some decisions, such as what career path I wanted to take, I failed miserably in others, like could I agree to go out with Royce? I'd been in Chicago for almost three months, and I'd been broken up with Edward for almost six, but in my heart, it still felt like yesterday.

My finger hovered over the send button, Jamie's name glowing back mockingly, almost taunting me to press down on the glass and connect the miles between us. And while I didn't want to, the messages from Edward, the disjointed texts, were becoming less and less coherent to the point where I wondered if he realized he was sending them at all. And no matter how hurt, how angry I felt, it scared the shit out of me.

With a deep inhale and trembling fingers, I pressed send and waited, my breath trapped in my lungs as the phone rang over and over.

"Well, well, well, I guess we know who you're calling instead of Edward these days?"

My grip tightened around the phone, the sound of Alice's sickly sweet voice causing my jaw to clench.

"Is Jamie around?" I asked, my voice strained from the effort it took not to tell her to go fuck herself.

"What, you aren't even going to deny it?" she laughed. "I knew you couldn't have been as fucking perfect as you pretended to be."

"I don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else, Alice." I paused and flexed my fingers, reminding myself that getting into a sparring match with Alice was the last thing I needed right now." Just because I'm not stooping to your level doesn't mean I don't have things to say. You're just not worth the effort," I added, not bothering to mask my dismissive tone.

"Fuck you, Bella," she spat, her voice low, hateful. Just like it had always been. "God, I'll never understand what Edward saw in you. You think you're so fucking above it all. But in the end you ended up just where you belong, alone and pathetic."

My eyes stung and my throat tightened as I fought back the hurt her words caused. Alice had never gotten to me before, but she'd also never had anything to hurt me with either.

"Where's Jamie?"

"He's busy," she answered flippantly.

"Fine. I won't bother asking you to give him a message from me; I know you won't. It's been fun." I pulled the phone away to end the call just as her voice echoed through the phone.

"You're not even going to ask about Edward?" she scoffed. "You really are a heartless bitch."

That was it.

"Why in the hell would I ask you of all people about Edward? You hit on him the first time we met you, and you've been nothing but a total pain in the ass ever since. I wouldn't believe a word that came out of your mouth." My heart pounded in my chest as adrenalin rushed through my veins.

I'd always made a point to ignore Alice and her attempts to goad me into a fight, but I'd had about all of her I could stand.

"You're just pissed because even with all of your history, you couldn't keep him," she sneered. "And I don't care if you don't believe me, but Edward is doing great. We're all actually at the studio now, which is why I have Jamie's phone. He's in the booth with Edward and the boys, laughing, cutting tracks, just like it used to be. I guess all he really needed was for you to leave and go wherever in the hell you went to finally move on. So thanks for that."

I opened my mouth, to say what, I wasn't exactly sure, not that it mattered anyway since my mind went completely blank at the sound of Edward's voice.

"_Alice, get me a fucking beer."_

A door slammed shut seconds later followed once more by Alice's grating voice. "See," she taunted, "he's fine. Do us a favor and don't come back."

The line disconnected before I had a chance to respond, and to be honest I had no idea what I would've said anyway. I didn't know if she was telling the truth about where they were, but he was there and although he sounded off, strange, it was him.

I clenched my fists a couple of times and inhaled deeply, trying to calm down after being subjected to Alice's bullshit. She'd hated me from the moment we'd met, and the feeling was definitely mutual.

"_Hey, Jamie, I'm going to head to the back and help Edward grab his stuff," I yelled, moving towards the dressing rooms behind the stage._

"_Yeah, sure, no problem, Bella."_

_I danced around equipment and bodies all shoved together, fighting to get a glimpse of a band member or snag an autograph― or anything else they may be offering. _

_I came around the corner just as I spotted a tiny brunette slipping into the dressing room where Edward and the guys were. I shook my head at how desperate some of these girls were to get their attention, even if it was only long enough to screw them and send them on their way._

"_...really big fan," the girl cooed from inside the room. _

_I pushed the door open, not surprised to see her leaning into Edward, her chest pressed against his as she gripped his bicep._

"_He's really great, isn't he? I smiled, trying not to come off as a bitch. After six months of watching girls throw themselves at him, I'd kind of gotten used to it. Edward, however, had not._

_The moment he heard my voice, his eyes snapped to mine, his expression pleading even as a beautiful smile broke across his face._

"_Hey, baby." He exhaled, extracting himself from her grip and walking over to me, his arm sliding around my waist before lowering his lips to mine._

"_Hey, yourself." I smiled, ignoring the huff from across the room. "I came to help grab your stuff."_

"_Thanks, I have most of it, you wanna grab my guitar case?"_

"_Sure." I pulled away and crossed the room, ignoring the glare from the angry girl. I was used to the hate at this point._

_I listened as she started talking again, something about his music and how it spoke to her― blah, blah, blah. I rolled my eyes and grabbed the case, freezing when I turned to find Edward slapping away her hand that was palming his dick as he yelled for her to "get off"._

"_Hey, short stuff, how about you back the hell up. No means no," I snapped, annoyed with this girl's total lack of respect._

_She sneered at me as she stepped back, the look on her face nothing short of murderous._

"_If you don't want her, I'll take her," Jasper slurred, stumbling into the room. _

_My face wrinkled in disgust at the bright smile she wore as she slunk over to him. _

"_By all means." Edward waved his hand, his face matching mine. "You ready, Bella."_

"_Yeah," I snorted, "let's roll."_

_The last thing we heard was Jasper saying she could meet Ben next. Edward and I looked at each other, both of us shaking our heads―we knew exactly what kind of meeting Jasper had in mind. Thank God we'd never see that one again._

But it wasn't just the one time. Apparently what she offered Jasper and later Ben was good enough that they kept her around, much to my and Edward's dismay. And she never stopped trying to hit on him. It was almost like a challenge to her to see if she could break him.

I wondered if she finally had, and if not, how long before she would?

I swallowed against the lump in my throat and pushed down the feeling of dread that twisted in my stomach. It wasn't my place to tell him who he could and couldn't be with. Even still, a part of me hoped he never, _ever_ went there.

I jumped at the sound of someone knocking on my door. I crossed the room warily before peeking through the peephole. Royce stood on the other side, a dish in his hand. I sucked in a sharp breath and pulled the door open before I gave myself a chance to overthink things.

He smiled when our eyes met, his arm extending out in front of him to hand me the dish I'd left at Esme's. Our weekly dinners had somehow become a foursome ever since that first night I walked into the apartment and found Royce barefoot in the kitchen.

"You left this. Esme asked me to drop it off on my way out." He shrugged, shifting his weight..

"Oh, thanks." I grabbed the dish, both of us standing there awkwardly unsure of what to say or do next. I could tell that he wanted me to ask him in because he was too nervous and polite to do it himself.

I bit the inside of my cheek, ready to tell him goodnight and close the door when Alice's voice rang out in my head.

"_Alone and pathetic."_

"Do you want to maybe come in for a bit?" I blurted out.

He flinched slightly, probably from the volume of my voice before nodding slowly, a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

For the next hour we sat on my couch talking and laughing...relaxing. It was strange having him in my home, but not as bad as I'd thought it'd be. And when his hand brushed against mine, I only flinched a little, and when he took a deep breath and asked me on a date, my hesitation was barely noticeable.

"So food. We'll have some, not with Esme and Carlisle." He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath before releasing it slowly, a small smile hovering on his lips.

"You must think I'm pathetic." He chuckled.

_Pathetic._

My chest tightened and my eyes softened as I shook my head. "I don't think you're pathetic, not even a little."

"Really?"

"Really. I am curious, though. Why are you so nervous when it's just the two of us? You seem calmer when we're at Esme's."

He dropped his head and grabbed the back of his neck before answering, his voice so soft I could barely make out the words. "Because when other people are around, I don't worry so much about you catching me staring."

"You stare?"

"How can I not?"

I swallowed hard, trying to think of something to say, completely unsure how to respond. "Um..."

"You're really pretty. Not pretty, beautiful. And...so out of my league."

"_I never thought I had a chance with someone like you."_

Oh, _God _how it hurt to think about Edward from that time in our lives. When I never felt anything but cherished, loved and _so_ fucking special.

I didn't feel any of those things anymore.

"I'm nothing special," I mumbled, my eyes dropping to my hands as I fought to expunge the sound of Edward's voice from my mind.

"I think you're pretty great," he responded, his voice sincere as he slid his hand under mine and squeezed tight enough to draw my eyes to his. His cheeks were tinged pink while a soft smile curved his lips.

"Awe, shucks," I joked, squeezing his hand, anything to lighten the mood, to push away the thoughts or another time, another place, another life.

"Well, I better get going." He smiled, standing from the couch.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow I'm sure. If you're taking requests for my next candy bar, I'm kinda in the mood for a Zero bar." I grinned, thinking about the candy and snacks he'd continued to leave on my desk. I was surprised I hadn't gained ten pounds by now.

"Gotcha."

He paused in the doorway, his fingers wrapped around the door frame so tightly his knuckles turned white. He turned to face me slowly, and without a bit of pause, he leaned in to me and kissed my cheek before whispering a quick goodnight and retreating down the hall.

This time, there was no missing my flinch, or the way my hand automatically flew to my cheek― like I could wipe away the flash of heat that bloomed from his lips.

I walked into my bedroom in a daze, my feet unsteady as I stared at Edward's t-shirt thrown across my bed. Guilt burned white-hot inside of me as anger swelled and crested at the same time.

I yanked my clothes off in frustration, stubborn determination pushing me to my dresser where I pulled out my pajamas. I crawled into bed, my eyes staring unseeing at the darkened ceiling. My body felt constricted, tight, restless.

I slid my hand across the bed, the feel of his t-shirt under my fingers soothing and suffocating at once. My refusal to bend, to give into that deep-seated urge to be close to him was nothing more than wasted effort.

With choked sobs at how weak and pathetic I truly was, I pulled off my clothes and slipped on his shirt, wrapping my fingers around the material and holding it close, trying to push it inside of me and stop the bleeding pain that seemed to ebb and flow constantly.

And since I'd already folded on yet another promise I'd made to myself, I pulled out my phone and read the latest text from Edward, my heart breaking all over again.

**Do yuo still love me? if you dont you have to teel me how you did it. Becuse I still love you. I don't kno eny other way to dont say you dotn love me, believing you dois the only way i can kepp brething.**

I fell asleep helpless and hopeless, wondering if two souls bound together by fate but ripped apart by mistakes could ever find any peace in life without the other.

I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

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**A/N**

**Another chapter? In three days? Yes. Wanna know why? Cause y'all blew my damn mind with the last chapter. Seriously, you GOT IT. And the craziest thing of all? It had over 200 reviews, it's now the most reviewed chapter of the entire story. I can't tell you guys how much I love you for that. Obviously I did NO review replies, but I just...yeah, I can't... not updating again today. If you have a question you really wanna ask me...shoot me a PM.**

**Perry- we're having tequila soon, I've got the first round.**

**Rose- thanks for telling me not to be a pussy, you were right.**

**Joo, Modern, Ooza, Amber...there are no words, althought I really wish y'all would at least give words a shot, you can totally stop throwing things at me, I'm okay with that.**

**More soon, we're getting to the good stuff now. Also MissJanuary made the sad mistake of asking to interview me for Glass House, poor dear. But if you want to see me be weird and ramble, you should check it out.**

**Love you guys! MWAH**

**~Liv**

**PS- Meg. I love you more than red wine, please give me more Head Over Feet. Thanks.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Sixteen**

**EPOV**

**SEPTEMBER**

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	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Seventeen**

**BPOV**

"So are you and Royce still coming over for dinner tomorrow night?" Esme asked, pushing the film reel back into its case.

Me and Royce. She said it like we were a couple, a package deal. Like we were dating. And no matter how much it seemed exactly like that, it tore me up inside to hear my name paired with someone who wasn't Edward.

I'd slowly opened up to Royce over the last couple of months, telling him about my life with Edward and everything, well mostly everything, that we'd been through. I was still protective over so many of those memories, glimpses of time from the past that meant everything to me then, but gave nothing but heartache to me now.

"I think so." I shrugged, diverting my eyes and biting the inside of my cheek.

"Bella." She sighed, pulling me over to the couch in her office. "Royce is my cousin, and I love him, but I'm your friend too. I know you have something on your mind, something that is holding you back. I'm here if you want to talk about it."

I smiled softly, my automatic response was to tell her no, that I was fine― happy. But the latest voicemail from Edward sank into my heart, spreading darkness and despair like poison infecting my system, a blackened truth serum, because I wasn't fine...not even close.

"I don't know how to let him go. I thought it would get easier, but it's not. And I'm trying so hard, and Royce is so great, and I don't want to hurt him...I don't know what to do." My words came out in a rush, spilling past my lips before I could overthink things and close myself off again.

"Him?"

I swallowed thickly and lowered my eyes, my voice no more than a whisper. "Edward."

"I think we're done here today." Esme nodded, rising to her feet and pulling me with her.

"Done? You want me to go?" I asked, wondering if I'd made her mad somehow.

"No," she laughed, grabbing her bag. "_We_ are done. I'm pretty sure drinks are going to be needed for this conversation."

"But what about..." I trailed off, waving my hand around at the piles of paperwork and reels of film we still needed to go over.

"One of the perks of being the daughter of the owner. Plus, it's one of the many ways I have of getting back at him for his interference with my life."

Once we'd settled into a booth at a bar down the street, I unloaded. Granted it took three margaritas and two shots of tequila, but in the end it didn't matter because I told her everything.

I told her how I met Edward when I was fourteen years old, a freshman in highschool. How we flirted and danced around each other until our junior year when we both ended up drunk , finally sharing our secrets. How nervous I was on our first date, how my dad loved him instantly and just knew there was something special about him.

About our first time, and how it upset him because he hurt me, and how he kissed every inch of my body for an hour telling me how sorry he was before flattening his tongue against me and making me forgot all about the pain.

How shy he was when he asked me to prom, even though we'd been together for a year, and how he'd worshiped me after I gave him his eighteenth birthday present.

When we moved to college together and spent almost every night wrapped around one another, how his skin against mine was like balm to a burn― it soothed and calmed. We made the other better, whole.

And once he was signed to the label, how the thought of being separated led me to dropping out of school for two years to be with him, and loving every second.

Then eventually to the last year, where he seemed distant, and his bandmates became more and more involved in drugs and changed before my eyes, becoming people I didn't know at all.

And lastly, how he still called and texted me, how I was trying so hard to move on, to forget my past, but my heart beat out a song that was only for him, and no matter how hard I tried, I was beginning to accept that I would love him always. That I would love him most.

"Are you sure you can't forgive him?" she asked once I'd finally stopped talking.

I shook my head, even though my heart was begging for a different answer. "I don't think I can. Could you?"

"I did." Her response was immediate, my eyes snapping to hers as my mouth fell open.

"Carlisle?" I whispered, disbelief coloring my tone. I couldn't imagine Carlisle ever cheating on her.

She nodded, a sad smile on her face. "We'd been dating a little over a year, and my dad was constantly interfering. I told him to mind his own damn business, but I wouldn't cut him out like Carlisle wanted. He wanted us to move in together, propose, the whole nine yards. But I wasn't ready for all that, so instead of being honest and just telling him that, I lied and blamed my hesitance on my dad."

She sucked in a deep breath and downed the rest of her drink before continuing.

"It was a stupid thing to do, but I was young and foolish." She sighed. "Anyway, we had a terrible fight, didn't speak for days, and he worked round the clock at the bar. Apparently he drank around the clock too. One night, the right amount of temptation mixed with the right about of booze, and that was that. He came over the next day a complete mess and confessed everything."

"What did you do?" I exhaled, my heart pounding.

"I kicked him in the nuts and told him to get the fuck out. But after I calmed down and a couple of months passed, I had to admit my part in the reason we were fighting in the first place. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, but people make mistakes. It's up to you whether or not you can forgive."

"But Edward and I weren't fighting; sure things were a little strained, but that was around the same time he started messing with things stronger than pot. I don't know, Esme, how can I ever look at him and not see that?"

"I don't know, Bella. I only had to hear about it; I have no idea what it must have felt like actually seeing it."

"It was...it was the most painful experience of my life," I confessed, my throat tight.

"And how much of this does Royce know?" Her approach was hesitant, her tone wary, concerned.

"He knows I'm scared and unsure, that I'm worried I may hurt him." I kept my gaze down, afraid of what expression I would see on her face.

"And he still wants to give it a shot?"

"Yeah."

"Then you've done all you can. You were upfront and honest, if he chooses to continue to try and see if you two have something, then that's his decision."

I knew what she said was the truth, but the fact was I _did_ feel guilty. I still slept in Edward's shirt, I still read his texts, and listened to some of his voicemails. If I truly wanted to move on, to cut off all contact with him, I'd throw away the shirt and change my number. But I hadn't, and I was pretty sure I never would.

_Then why am I still here? _The ever present voice in the back of my mind goaded.

I nodded when Esme pushed another drink across the table, even more grateful when she changed the subject. After couple of hours and several drinks later, we walked back to our building, only to run into an equally drunk Carlisle and Royce.

"Hey, Bella." Royce grinned, his cheeks flushed from whatever he'd been drinking.

"Hi." I smiled, the alcohol in my system making it easier to relax and enjoy the warmth of his arm as it curved around my waist.

"Looks like we all had the same idea today." Carlisle laughed, kissing Esme on the lips quickly, his smile infectious.

I stared at them for a moment, taking in the natural way they wrapped around each other, the way their eyes lingered and their touches caressed. Had she not told me what happened between them, I would never have guessed something like that ever occurred.

My mind flashed to a time when Edward and I had been the same way, when all we saw was each other, and nothing or no one else mattered. And, not for the first time, my heart screamed at my head that it could be like that again. All I had to do was give it a chance, let our love heal so it could grow and sew back together all of the places torn apart.

Guilt and shame flooded inside of me when Royce leaned over and pressed his lips against my temple, his fingers flexing gently on my hip. So I did what I did every time I needed to take off my rose-tinted glasses that only thought about the good times― the happy times when things were perfect― I pulled up the image of him naked in bed with another woman.

I thought about the burn of betrayal and the pain that followed―that still followed. It hurt more than words could describe to do it to myself over and over again, but sometimes my head had to remind my heart why we were here in the first place.

I leaned into Royce's side and smiled up at him, taking strength in the fact that when I looked up at his face, I saw blue not green eyes, blonde not bronze hair, and happiness instead of hurt.

Too bad it never lasted.

But I would continue to try, and I would move forward with my life― even if I wasn't able to let go of everything all at once. And if Royce wanted to be a part of my life, then I would make a real effort to be a part of his. I'd give him what Edward hadn't destroyed, even if it wasn't much and would probably never be enough.

It was all I had.

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**A/N**

**OMG Liv you suck so freaking bad! ANOTHER BLANK EPOV CHAPTER? *nods* yes, because there was no point in repeating the same thing over and over. I didn't do it because I was blocked and I'm not trying to be a review whore, which is why I posted this chapter immediately after.**

**How many of you are so frustrated with Bella that you want to kick her in her lady junk? *watches hands shoot up everywhere* *nods* I expected as much.**

**I do have good news though...Edward is back next chapter, and oh...my God. So think about that instead of how much you hate Bella right now, umkay. **

**We've reached the top of the cliff, let's jump.**

**Perry Maxwell leaves the funniest comments in the docs as she rips my chapters to shreds, thanks for that. LOL**

**My fab five, Modernsafari1, Joo, Rose, Ooza, and Amber promised to not let me get lynched *side eyes them all* **

**Okay annoyingly long authors note is over.**

**MWAH!**

**~Liv**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Eighteen**

**EPOV**

"Is there more?" I asked, pressing my nose to the rolled bill on the table and inhaling the mind-numbing white powder.

"Of course there's more." Ben scoffed, his voice distorted by the warbled echo in my ears, thrumming like a drum beat.

I leaned back against the shitty sofa and closed my eyes, the taste of bitter numbness and coppery blood sliding down the back of my throat.

"I need to lay off for a bit." Ben gagged, leaning forward and pressing a towel to his face to catch the blood running from his nose.

"Pussy." I scooted to the edge of the couch and grabbed the tray we'd used earlier to break up some bud. I folded the rolling paper and spread the weed out before scooping up some coke on the side of my credit card and sprinkling it on top.

"What the fuck are you doing?" His eyes were excited, expectant, his smile wide.

"Jasper does this shit all the time when he wants to come down a bit but stay up at the same time. It's a completely different kind of high, man." I loved the way the mellow weed fogged my senses, while the coke kept me up enough to keep going.

I didn't give a fuck about stopping, not anymore, not since she'd left.

"How long do you plan to stay in this fucking hotel, man. Let's go back to your house, swim in the pool, call some bitches over, get the fuck out of this shithole."

"I'm never going back to that fucking house. I'm selling it."

"What?" he burst out. "You gotta be kidding me. What the fuck for?"

"Because everything was fine before I bought that house― everything was fucking great―because I had Bella. I'm moving back into my old apartment, the people living in it now came into some money and decided to move." I smirked, thinking about the look on their faces when I showed up with a check and told them to get the fuck out.

They were scheduled to finish packing this weekend.

"Are you really that fucked up about her?" he asked, his tone suddenly serious.

"What the fuck do you think?" I sneered, sweeping my arms out wide at the fucking mess around us before dropping my elbows to my knees and fisting my hair."It's the only way I know how to feel close to her." My grip tightened as I tried to divert my attention from the ache in my chest―an ache that was always present when I thought about the pain I'd caused her. "I don't know where in the fuck she is, what she's doing, I don't know any fucking thing." I swallowed the lump in my throat and grabbed the joint off the table, holding the flame of the lighter to the end before taking a long pull, the sweet taste of weed mixed with the bitter taste of coke the perfect cocktail to induce memory loss.

"I have no idea what that feels like. Fuck, the longest relationship I had was in high school, and that lasted until she let me fuck her."

"Well, unless you want to start braiding each others hair, let's shut the fuck up and bust out that other eight ball." I didn't want to talk about relationships, or love, or lack thereof. I wanted Bella, and she wasn't here, so I was doing whatever it took to cope with that.

I pressed the blade into the clump of powder, watching as it broke apart, unable to hold it's shape as I sliced through it again and again. It felt oddly familiar. I dipped my finger into the residue and rubbed it over my gums, the feeling of numbness immediate.

I wondered how many more times the coke would slice into me, like the blade sliced into it, before I crumbled to dust as well.

At some point, something had to give, right?

_Bang, bang, bang..._

I groaned and slowly opened my eyes, blinking over dry eyes and swallowing over a drier throat.

_Bang, bang, bang..._

"What the fuck is that?" someone croaked, somewhere in the room.

I peeled my eyes fully open, Ben slowly coming into focus on the other side of the room, leaning against the wall, his shoulders hunched forward. I pushed up from the couch, the sliver of bright light coming in through the curtains burning into my drug-sensitive eyes.

"Hold the fuck up." I rasped when the banging started again.

I stumbled to my feet and tripped my way to the door, slowly opening it only to have the person on the other side shove it open and cause me to fall on my ass.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Jamie cursed, grabbing my arm and yanking me to my feet. "What the fuck have you two been doing. I've been trying to call you both for almost a week!"

I looked over at Ben. Had he been here a week? My bleary eyes swept across the room―fuck, it was a disaster.

"What day is it?" My voice was thick, groggy.

"It's Thursday, Edward."

Thursday. But that's the same day Ben had come over, I think. Was it the same day?

"Jesus, Edward. What are you doing?"

"Well, I was sleeping, but you fucked that all to hell." I pointed out with a smirk.

"Do you realize the label is considering not renewing your contract? It's up, you know, in case you fucking cared."

"Not really." I chuckled.

"Well, I do. So take a fucking shower and get dressed. Food is on the way, then we're going to the studio. I've had enough of this shit."

Too fucking apathetic to argue, I stumbled to the bathroom. I'd go to the studio.

But however many hours later, food and sobriety had made things a little clearer, and it hurt more than I wanted to admit. The three Xanax I popped on the way over helped, but not enough to stop the way my hands shook or the way a cold sweat broke out across my forehead. Maybe just one line in the bathroom would help take the edge off...

"Edward, you can't even fucking talk! We can't do this; you can't fucking sing." Jamie spat, his face red with frustration, his eyes hard.

"Fuck you." I chuckled lazily, taking a pull from my cigarette.

"Marcus, Ben." I pointed at them, my arm unsteady. "Start again, from the top."

The music started, the beat pounding in my chest, surging like an electrical current― twisting, turning, and pulling me into the dark. I tried to focus, let my mind drift to the sharp sounds of the guitar, the rhythmic pulse of the bass drum as it was punished over and over again.

I fucking failed.

Because with each push, each pull, each panting note, all I could feel was long brown hair brushing the tops of my thighs, sweat-slicked skin moving on top of me, and tight, wet heat consuming me.

"Fuck!" I shoved both of my palms into my eyes until bright white light dimmed the image of Bella above me. I staggered and stumbled to the mini fridge and ripped the door open, downing half the bottle of beer before the top hit the floor.

A loud crash caused everyone to whip their heads to the door, just as Jasper picked up a disheveled and obviously fucked up Alice.

"What... what are you fuckers doing?" She slurred with a broken laugh, making no attempt to adjust the oversized shirt that had slipped off her shoulder and was now exposing her chest.

"Just waiting for Edward to get his shit together so we can work on this track." Ben laughed, a cigarette hanging from his mouth, a bloody tissue sticking out of his pocket.

"Fuck you, man. I can do this shit."

"Maybe he just needs to relieve some of that pent up frustration," Alice suggested, lowering her voice as she sloppily walked over to me.

She fell against my chest, my own footing unsteady as I collapsed against the wall. Her hand slid down my chest and slipped inside my jeans, her fingers wrapping around my dick and squeezing.

"I'd be more than happy to help you out with that." She smiled, stroking me.

"Get the fuck off me, Alice." I sneered, shoving her back and making her fall on her ass.

"What the fuck is your goddamn problem, Edward?" She screamed, crawling to her knees before standing.

"My problem is that you are still delusional enough to think I'd ever fuck you. I don't do sloppy seconds―or thirds in your case."

Her face twisted into the ugliest expression I'd ever seen as she stumbled back over to me, her finger jamming into my chest as she began to speak.

"You know what? Fuck you, Edward." She stared at me, her eyes unfocused and cloudy. "You deserve that stuck up bitch. I thought slipping a little something in your drink would loosen you up― make you fucking relax. But then you had to go and fuck that blonde when it was supposed to be me. I walked away for _five fucking minutes_ and she'd already jumped your dick."

I was completely fucked up. That's what this was. Because there was no fucking way I heard her correctly. I blinked, trying to clear my head, to make those words become anything but what I thought they were.

"But with Bella out of the picture," she continued, like she didn't realize she was about to bleed. "I thought, hey, I can wait, I can be patient. But you really do have a stick stuck just as far up your ass as she does. What a fucking waste of money." She scoffed.

My reaction was instant. I reached out, wrapping my hand around her throat and spinning around before slamming her back into the wall.

"What the _fuck_ did you just say?" I hissed, my grip tightening.

Her eyes widened. I wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't breathe or because she just realized what she'd said―I didn't give a fuck either way.

"You drugged me, you fucking cunt?" I asked, my voice low and rough.

A red haze tinted my vision as I warred with myself whether I really wanted to loosen my grip - if I really wanted to give her blackened heart the air it was being denied in order for it to keep beating. "You stupid fucking whore, do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Edward," someone called from behind, Jamie maybe. "Let her go, man." Yes. It was Jamie.

Fingers wrapped around my bicep, my arm jerking back immediately, my elbow slamming into someone's face, the sound of breaking bone ringing out in the stagnant air. Jamie cursed behind me, but I didn't bother to look, my eyes remaining locked with the bitch in front of me.

"I suggest no one else tries to interfere." I remarked calmly, my eyes focused on the way Alice's eyes had begun to redden, bright red blood vessels blooming over the dingy whites of her eyes.

I flexed my fingers, barely loosening my grip as I shook my head at the water leaking from her eyes.

"You want me to fuck you, Alice?" I goaded, my hand squeezing her tit roughly. "You want me to wrap your legs around my waist and pound into your pussy? Fuck you hard and fast, then leave you on the floor with a twenty shoved in your underwear?"

I leaned in closer, my face twisted in disgust. "Is that what you get off on, being fucked and discarded? So you're just as trashy and ugly on the outside as you are on the inside?"

She clawed at my hands, her fingers yanking my hand loose enough for her to suck in a gasping breath of air. "You don't know shit about me." She choked.

"I know that you're a whore."

"You think you're so much better than me," she rasped, " but look how easily you fucked someone else. Admit it; you wanted it to happen. Just like you want to fuck me; you're just too much of a pussy to admit it."

I lifted her from the wall before slamming her back against it, my teeth grinding together so harshly I was sure one of them would crack at any moment.

"You're a worthless piece of shit who's loose pussy will be forgotten when the next whore comes around with a tight snatch and a missing gag reflex. You'll be a used up has-been that we'll all laugh about when you're whoring yourself out to teenage boys with braces and tiny dicks. You'll never find anyone worth anything, because you're fucking worthless."

I dropped her to the floor and spun around, my eyes finding Jamie's. "I'm done with this shit. I want out. Don't bother renewing anything for me. Fuck all of this."

I stormed out of the studio, lighting a cigarette and pacing back and forth as I tried to wrap my mind around what had just happened. I squeezed my eyes shut and fought to push through the fog clouding my mind.

"Think, think, think." I muttered, walking over to the curb and hailing a cab. The entire ride to the hotel, my leg bounced and my heart pounded. I pushed open the hotel room door, ignoring the fucking mess around me and headed straight to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink and splashed cold water over my face before lifting my eyes to the mirror. The pink scar of my forehead caught my eye, a memory, a flash of something the doctor said flickering in my mind.

._..cocktail of drugs found in your system... _

"Motherfucker."

I snatched my phone from my pocket, my only thought was calling the hospital, confirming what that bitch said, then calling Bella.

I had been drugged.

I didn't cheat because I was fucked up. I didn't throw away the last eight years because I was an asshole. I was just a fucking idiot, who made one bad decision after another and hurt the one person who meant more to me than anything else in the world.

I had so much to make up for, so many wrongs to right, so much groveling and flat out begging to do. It was no less than I deserved, and certainly no fucking less than _she_ deserved. But I'd do whatever I had to, because the hope blooming in my chest and lighting a fire in my soul was almost strong enough for me to ignore the way my hands shook and my whole body tensed when I shoved my hand in my pocket and my fingers brushed against the coke-filled plastic bag.

Almost.

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**A/N**

**Well, well, well. All you super sleuths are grinning like mofos aren't you? Smart cookies you are! **

**And you guys thought you hated Alice before, pshaw. ;)**

**Perry Maxwell gave you guys WAY more chapter than I had originally written, she demanded that I add to it, cause she's cool like that. Which is why when I see her this weekend with Meg (iambeagle AKA my Winehoe) and Amber we're going to do ALL THE TEQUILA SHOTS at Music Midtown in ATL, WEEEE!**

**With that said, the next chapter won't be up until next Tues/Wed. Sorry for the wait, I'll post another one a couple of days later, I promise.**

**Joo, Rose, modernsafari1, and Ooza gave me the backbone to post this chapter, you guys rock my cashbah. Whatever that is doesn't matter, just know that you rock it.**

**And you guys rock for all the amazing reviews and support, it seems like Bella has more people in her corner than I thought! **

**Until next time..**

**MWAH!**

**~Liv**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Nineteen**

**BPOV**

Royce reached over and laced his fingers through mine, his blue eyes soft and open. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"I did." I smiled, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

We walked down the street in silence, a rare feeling of calming peace washing over me. For the first time since I'd left Seattle, I felt content, happy even. I knew a lot of it had to do with the friends I'd made while living here: Esme, Carlisle... Royce.

Not to mention my job was more than I could've ever hoped for. And then there was the lack of everything in my past confronting me at every turn, every step forward I tried to take. It had been over two weeks since Edward had called or texted, and while it had been harder than I expected at first, I knew it was for the best.

A part of me would always ache for my first love. _Your only love_, a voice whispered in the back of my mind, causing my hand to tighten around Royce's. I couldn't think like that; I couldn't let myself believe Edward was the only man that would make me burn when he touched me, or sooth me like aloe when he whispered promises of forever into my ear.

I swallowed thickly, not liking the direction my thoughts were taking me. I was moving on; I was going to let go of my past and everything that went along with it, including Edward. I ignored the twist in my stomach and the sting in my eyes as I focused on Royce.

"Do you―do you want to come back to my place?" His eyes briefly darted to mine, his adam's apple bobbing.

No.

"Yeah, that would be nice." My smile was strained, but the way his eyes lit up and his shoulders sagged told me he didn't notice. Edward would have noticed, but Edward wasn't here, was he?

"Do you want a drink?" He asked as we entered his apartment, taking my purse and coat.

_Yes_, I wanted to scream, but instead answered with a casual, "Sure."

We settled on his couch, my glass of scotch already more than half empty―I hated scotch.

Edward would have known that.

I shook my head, my involuntary constant comparison of what Edward would and would not know making my anger spike and my determination harden.

There was a plus side to scotch, however. Whether I liked it or not, its effect was immediate.

"So are you excited about next week?" Royce asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I smiled, a genuine smile this time. "Yes, I can't believe Esme is letting me take lead. I mean, I know it's a smaller project, but it's a really big deal to me."

"Bella, you do a fantastic job, Uncle Liam can't stop talking about you. You deserve the chance to take lead, and I know you're going to be amazing."

The sincerity behind his words, the open honest look on his face mixed with the vulnerable part of me that craved reassurance― that was so desperate for affection and warmth― crumbled to dust.

He leaned forward and pulled the empty glass of scotch from my hand and placed it on the table, his eyes never leaving mine. I stared wide eyed, my breath trapped in my throat as the intensity of his gaze, the undeniable need simmering below the surface, burned into me.

He licked his lips, his eyes darting to mine before bringing his hand up to cradle my face, his thumb sweeping across my jaw. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

"_God, baby, you're so beautiful."_

I blinked back tears at the sound of Edward's voice, wanting more than anything to shut him out, to block the part of myself that was so insistent this was a bad idea, the part that refused to let go of him.

Royce leaned into me, his lips hesitant and soft as he pressed them against mine. My eyes drifted shut as tiny sparks of warmth flickered and sizzled inside of me. When I didn't pull away, his confidence grew, his other hand wrapping around my waist, his fingers sliding under the hem of my shirt and brushing against my skin as he deepened our kiss.

He tugged at my hip, sliding the lower half of my body toward him until he was positioned over me.

"Is this okay?"

No.

"Yeah." My voice was tight and breathless, nervous and full of indecision.

He studied me for a second, his eyes searching my face. "Are you sure? We don't have to do anything. We can just watch a movie or something. I didn't ask you to come here for this."

He laughed nervously and tucked his chin into his chest before lifting his eyes back to mine. "Don't get me wrong, I want to, but I really like you Bella; this isn't about sex for me."

He was right; it wasn't about sex. It was about two consenting adults, who'd been dating for almost four months, making the decision to take their relationship to the next level. He knew about Edward; he knew the pain I was in when I first moved to Chicago. And Edward, he hadn't called in weeks; he'd obviously decided to move on. It was time for me to do the same. I could do this.

"I know it isn't. It isn't just about sex for me either." And it wasn't. I had to give myself a chance; I had to try.

He stood from the couch and extended his hand. With a deep breath and a shaky smile, I placed my hand in his and let him pull me from the couch and into his bedroom, each step quickening the pace of my pulse.

Piece by piece, our clothing landed on the floor. Each discarded layer caused fear, uncertainty, and excitement to race across my skin, leaving trails of goose bumps in their wake. His tongue dragged along the column of my throat, his teeth nipped at my collarbone, and his hands explored my body.

"Your skin is so soft," he whispered against my neck as he guided me onto the bed.

"_Your skin feels like silk baby; God, I love touching you."_

A whimper escaped my throat as my emotions began to choke me―my lungs refusing to allow any air to pass, as if my body was punishing me. Royce's movements were gentle as he ghosted his hand down my stomach and pushed his fingers inside of me, the soft pads of his fingers, nothing like the rough calloused ones so familiar to me.

My stomach began to tighten as his thumb circled my clit and his teeth grazed across my nipple. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on the moment, on the fire building inside of me, instead of green eyes and a scruffy jaw that reddened and burned my skin.

When my orgasm pulsed through me, wave after wave― I felt anything but pleasure. Each one was like a hot knife slicing into my gut and ripping me apart. Royce shifted on the bed and positioned himself over me, his lips moving over mine as the rip of the condom wrapper ricocheted off the walls.

When he pushed inside of me, my chest cracked. When he rocked his body against mine, guilt, pain, and heartbreak crashed over me like an avalanche. And when his ograsm caused his grasp to tighten, his muscles to strain, and his body to collapse on top of mine―I died inside.

He rolled off me and discarded the condom before sliding back to my side and wrapping his arms around me. I lay motionless, my mind a blur of thoughts and feelings, of regret. I'd tried so hard to convince myself I could do the lonely, empty feelings inside could be soothed by someone else, someone other than Edward. It sat on my tongue like the bitter lie it was, because the only person who could make me whole, who could fill the gaping hole inside of me was Edward―and I'd just had sex with another man.

"I have to go." I choked, pushing away his arms and clawing my way out of his bed.

"Go, what do you―Bella, what's wrong?" His voice was panicked as he scrambled to follow me.

I snatched my shirt over my head and pulled on my pants, not taking the time to worry about my bra or underwear, my only thought was getting out of that room and away from him.

"I need to leave. I'm sorry, I just―I can't do this." I bolted for door just as his arms wrapped around my waist from behind and pulled me flush against his chest.

"Bella, baby, please. What did I do? Please just look at me." He begged, his arms tightening around me as he buried his face in my neck.

"_Baby, please. Oh God, please, please, please no. Please don't turn away from me. Please don't―just fucking look at me, baby." _

"Oh my God, what have I done?" I sobbed, my knees buckling, my heart breaking all over again. Any progress I'd made, any steps I'd taken to heal myself shattering into a million pieces as Edward's voice rang out in my head once more.

"I don't understand, Bella, what do you mean?"

"This was a mistake."

His body stiffened, his arms flexing once before releasing me. My hand shot out, clinging to the doorframe for support, my legs fighting to keep me upright.

"Is this about Edward?" His voice was low, rough...tortured.

I couldn't turn and face him, couldn't stand to see the look of hurt on his face change to understanding as I dipped my head ever so slightly in acquiesce.

"I don't understand."

A strangled laugh burst past my lips as I shook my head. "Neither do I."

We stood in tense silence, the air charged.

"So what now?" His voice was no more than a whisper, but the defeat in his tone was unmistakable.

"I don't know, but I'm not ready for this. It isn't fair to either of us."

I straightened my back and pulled in a deep breath before turning to look at him, my face twisting when I saw fresh tears falling down his cheeks.

"Royce...I'm―I'm so sorry."

"Me too." He wiped his hand down his face and smiled sadly. "The heart wants what the heart wants."

I shook my head. "I can't take him back. I just need to get my head together; this was too soon."

Even I could hear the truth hiding under my lie.

He nodded, not attempting to mask his doubt. "Take care, Bella."

I spun on my heel and raced out of the apartment, flagging down the first cab I saw. Silent tears streamed down my face as my body shook uncontrollably. My guilt doubled, because my tears were not for hurting Royce, but because I felt like I'd betrayed Edward.

The moment I got home, I stripped out of my clothes and blasted the hot water in my shower. My skin bright red and aching as I scrubbed every inch of my body trying to erase the memory of another man's touch.

I wanted Edward. I missed him. The hurt and pride I'd held onto so fiercely was nothing compared to the resolution settling in my bones that nothing would ever outweigh my love for him.

I fell to the shower floor, my scream bouncing off the walls as I flung my loofah― my frustration, hurt, and anger ripping a hole inside me, like moths eating their way through the fibers of my heart.

Why? Why couldn't I have realized this sooner? Why did it take sleeping with another man to force me to see I had been fighting a losing battle.

I stayed there until the water ran cold, and then even longer after that―until the icy pinpricks on my skin matched the cold and bitter numbness I felt inside. Gathering myself off the floor, I wrapped a towel around me and walked aimlessly into my bedroom, pulling on Edward's t-shirt.

My feet carried me into the kitchen, my body on autopilot. With the bottle of wine on my countertop opened and the first glass drained, I sank down into one of the barstools and let my head rest against the cool stone as tears gathered on the surface.

My phone beeped from inside my purse that lay haphazardly across the counter. I slowly lifted my head and focused on my bag with bleary eyes. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but something tugged at me to look, to check the caller ID, and I knew deep down, a part of me wanted it to be Edward.

I dragged my purse to me before pulling out my phone and unlocking the screen, my entire body going rigid as the envelope alerted me of a pending voicemail―from Edward.

With trembling fingers, I pulled up the message and pressed the phone to my ear.

"_Bella, I didn't do it. I mean, I did, but I didn't―fuck. I was drugged. That night, Alice, she...that fucking bitch drugged me."_ NO, no, no, no, this wasn't happening. _"I was at the studio and I was fucked up, and God, baby, I miss you so fucking much. I...I don't know how much longer I can do this; it fucking hurts so much without you. And she drugged me, she told me... she told me, Bella. And I called the hospital, asked about my blood tests, and it took them two goddamn weeks to get back to me, but they confirmed it. They told me there was a high level of GHB in my system, a fucking date rape drug. I didn't cheat on you because I was a worthless piece of shit who threw away our lives together for nothing. I was drugged. Please, God, baby, please, I love you, and I miss you so fucking much. Just―" _

The phone beeped cutting off his message, but I didn't need to hear anymore. I staggered into the living room, black spots dancing across my vision. My heart stilled, my breaths coming in short tight pants.

He'd been drugged?

My eyes stung as hot tears that burned like acid rolled down overheated skin.

He'd been drugged?

The room tilted and spun as I frantically searched for something to grab, something to keep my body from toppling over.

He'd been drugged?

A feeling like nothing I'd ever experienced began to swell deep in my abdomen. It bubbled and swirled, rising higher and higher until it tore from my throat with such force it felt as though it had been split in two as the scream burst past my lips and my legs finally folded under me.

"NOOOO!" My body convulsed with which each choking sob. My hand tightened around the phone as I sat back on my heels and rocked forward, pressing my palms into my eyes.

"No, no, _no_. Oh my God, _no_, not now. _No_." A high-pitched keening sound seeped like oil into the air, pain and anguish coating every part of me until I was suffocating in my own misery.

He'd been drugged. Edward had been drugged.

I screamed until the strain caused a throbbing ache in my eyes, and my fists connected with the hardwood floor until my knuckles were swollen and bruised.

"Fuck!" I yelled, my arm jerking back and launching forward before I could think about what I was doing, the phone slamming against the wall and breaking into several pieces.

I stared wide eyed, trembling fingers hovering over my lips as I sat frozen.

"Oh my God." I scrambled across the floor, my hands jerking and shaking as I swept all of the broken pieces toward me, chipped plastic cutting into my hand and drawing crimson blood to the surface, sliding over pale, clammy skin.

I shuffled the pieces around anxiously, a whimper caught in the back of my throat as the broken parts refused to be put back together. "Please, oh please, I can't―he can't―" A sliver of glass sliced against my finger causing me to gasp in pain and more blood to pool to the surface.

A violent tremor ran through my hands as I frantically smashed the parts together, becoming more and more desperate as my heart sank. "He can't call if my phone doesn't work. It has to work; it can't be broken. _Everything_ is _broken_, fucking, stop. _Please,_" I cried out, my voice cracking.

I dropped the pieces of my smashed phone to the floor and sank back on my heels, leaning forward until my forehead rested against the floor, my hands wrapped tightly in my hair.

"What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" I chanted in a low murmur, my throat raw and hoarse.

I felt helpless, drained, lost and alone. I released my hair and extended my hands out in front of me as I rocked back and forth off my knees, my body heaving with chest-clenching sobs. My tears refused to subside, and I didn't have the willpower nor the desire to stop them.

He'd been drugged.

I'd slept with another man.

I hated myself.

"What do I do?"

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**A/N**

**Perry Maxwell is my beta extraordinaire. **

**My fab five pre-readers have sworn to protect me, I'm holding you h00rs to that!**

**Until next time!**

**~Liv**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Twenty **

**EPOV**

My hand shook as I raked it through my sweat-soaked hair. I grabbed another box and lifted it to the back of my car, trying to ignore the way my throat tightened and my mouth watered as a wave of nausea swept over me.

How long had I been packing and moving boxes? Five hours? Six? No wonder I felt sick; I was fucking exhausted. My mind flashed to the interior of my car, the shiny metal of the glove box handle taunting me to give it a little tug, pull it open like Pandora's Box and let Hell fall into my lap.

Just one little bump wouldn't be so bad, just something to get me through the rest of the day while I moved the last of my things to the apartment.

No big deal.

I climbed into the front seat and curled my fingers under the handle, letting it fall open with a thud as I reached inside and pulled out the plastic bag. I dug the penny I'd found lying on the seat into the powder and lifted it to my nose. The relief was instant; my entire body went slack and came to life all at once.

Just a bump, a pick me up.

I let my head fall back and took a deep breath in through my mouth, the dull edges of fatigue burning away, replaced with a rush of heart-pounding energy. I licked my lips and pulled my phone from my pocket, my grip tightening when it showed no new calls, no new messages.

I slammed the glove box shut and started the car, taking off toward the apartment. My mind was a jumble of indecision: should I call Bella and tell her what Alice said without confirmation from the hospital? And what the fuck was taking them so long? I called almost two weeks ago, and then everyday since, and still no one would tell me anything.

What if it was all a lie? What if Alice wasn't telling the truth? I couldn't do that to Bella; she'd been hurt enough already. Maybe...maybe if I gave her some space and stopped calling and texting so much she might pick up when I finally did have answers.

I snatched the final boxes from the car and stomped up the stairs, dropping them unceremoniously on the floor before stumbling over to the sofa and collapsing. My eyes drifted shut, fatigue pulling at my mind while liquid energy coursed through my veins and made my skin prickle.

When was the last time I'd slept?

My leg bounced as I fumbled with my phone, trying to remember the last time I'd checked it. I glanced at the screen― no new calls...and it was after midnight. I pushed off the couch and moved to the bathroom, pulling out the bottle of valium inside the cabinet. I just needed something to bring me down, help me sleep, turn off my mind.

No big deal.

I woke the next morning with burning, dry eyes and a mouth full of cotton. I tried to lift my head from the bed, but everything hurt so goddamn much. I licked my lips, my tongue catching on dry, chapped skin. I looked around the room, trying to make sense of where I was as I squinted at the surrounding boxes.

I closed my eyes and rolled over, pulling the pillow over my head and sliding further under the blanket. I would deal with that shit later.

I didn't move again until moonlight flooded through the windows.

My knees buckled when I finally pushed myself off the bed, by vision swimming as my eyes adjusted to the dark. My stomach twisted and knotted causing my mouth to water. I needed something to eat, and I needed some fucking water.

Already knowing there was no food in the apartment, I ordered pizza from the place down the street. Bella always ordered from there when she was hungover.

Bella.

I closed my eyes, gritting my teeth as memories of her here, with me, burned into the back of my mind. I leaned over the kitchen sink, letting the water from the faucet flood my parched throat, trying to take away the burn of a completely different thirst.

I sat on the sofa and waited for food I no longer wanted, my thoughts blanketed by the pounding of my heart as my eyes zeroed in on the bag of cocaine sitting on the coffee table. My hands shook as I slid to the edge of the sofa and fell to my knees, trying to both fight and embrace the voice in the back of my head yelling for me to stop.

I ripped my hand away from the bag like I'd been burned when someone banged on the door. With wide eyes and panting breaths, I lifted myself from the floor and walked to the front door, my eyes barely sparing a glance for the delivery guy as we exchanged cash for food, instead I focused on the coffee table, unable to tear my gaze away for more than a few seconds.

The smell of the food hit me like a wrecking ball as soon as the door shut, my stomach clenching and growling at the promise of sustenance. I cast a fleeting glance at the coffee table one more time before heading into the kitchen.

I ate until I was sick.

But being rested and full late at night did nothing but let my mind wander to all of the things I wanted, no _needed_ to happen. It was at that moment I realized I'd slept the entire day...what if the hospital had called?

I jumped from my chair and stumbled to the living room, my legs still weak and shaky. I pulled in a deep breath before reaching beside the bag of coke and lifting my phone. My heart caught in my throat when I saw I had a pending voicemail.

"_Mr. Cullen, this is Dr. Reeves. I was the attending physician when you were admitted last May. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but I've been out of town. I understand you have some questions about your lab results, and I would be more than happy to discuss them with you. I'll be back in my office around this time tomorrow evening and will give you a call then. I look forward to speaking with you."_

"Fuck." I exhaled, realizing he'd called about three hours earlier. In less than twenty-four hours I would finally have the proof I needed, and then I could call Bella. And _fuck,_ please let it be enough for her to talk to me.

My heart rate spiked at the thought of hearing her voice, of having a real chance at trying to repair all of the damage that had been created. I just needed to stay busy, keep myself alert, distracted.

Music blared from the stereo as I emptied box after box in the apartment and light slowly filtered in through the windows. Sweat dripped from my chin as I leaned against the wall, my breathing tight, heavy. My eyes slid shut as I tried to get a handle on the bunching of my muscles, the coiling in my abdomen, and the constant need to pull quick gusts of air into my nose.

I'd worked through the night; I just needed to make it through today. I could do that. But what if I fell asleep again? What if all of the work I'd done finally caught up with me and exhaustion pulled me under? What if I missed his call?

My gaze drifted to the coffee table, to the one thing that would guarantee I wouldn't fall asleep, would keep me alert. My heart started beating a little faster as I pushed off the wall and crossed the room before lowering myself onto the sofa.

Just a little bit to keep me up; no pills, no drinking. Just...this one thing. My mouth watered and my throat tightened as I reached out with shaky hands and pulled the mirror to the edge of the table.

Just a little bit.

Dumped from the bag and cut with the razor, I leaned over and with one lung-bursting inhale, I was flying. And when it wore off a couple of hours later...I did it again. And again. Just to stay up, that's all.

No big deal.

And then, _finally,_ the hospital called. It'd been two weeks. Half a month. Fourteen days since I'd first contacted them. That's nothing in the scheme of a life span, a blip on the radar for most. But for me―it felt like an eternity. And when the doctor confirmed there was GHB in my system, I felt like I could explode.

With jerky motions, I dialed her number, my chest clenching when her voicemail picked up, the disappointment I felt that she didn't answer only slightly tempered by the sheer fucking relief of hearing her voice. It'd been so long; I missed her so fucking much.

I wanted to tell her― not her voicemail― what happened, but I'd waited long enough. I set my phone down and walked into the kitchen, my eyes landing on the liquor bottle in the countertop. Just a shot; fuck, I deserved to celebrate. But just one.

I winced as I poured the whiskey down my throat, my forehead breaking out in a cold sweat as I squeezed my eyes shut and fought against the tightening in my stomach. I moved back into the living room and clutched my phone in my hand, not wanting to take the chance of somehow missing her call.

My nerves spiked and my heart raced as silence echoed around the room. I grabbed the pill bottle off the table and shook a couple of Xanax into my hand. A couple of these would calm my nerves, help ebb the nausea churning in my stomach.

No big deal.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the back of the sofa as I waited for the weighted feeling of calm to settle over me. Seven months without my heart, without my soul. I learned exactly how strong the human body was during these last months, because it held strong and stayed alive while every part of me that mattered, the parts that made me who I was― died over and over again without her.

But she never called that night. Or the next. And every day of silence that followed changed something inside of me. I waited thinking surely _this_ would be the day she would call. But with each passing day, parts of me I thought were long dead and gone, dried up and turned to ash, reemerged― only to die all over again.

I tried to give her time― let her process what I'd told her― but the overwhelming feeling that it didn't matter, that it had all slipped away, consumed me. The thoughts in my head held me prisoner, and as much as I tried to fight against them, to pull out of myself and find her― make her listen― the louder the voice in my head screamed that it was too late.

One more line, one more pill, and one more drink was the only way to drown thoughts that were far darker than just Bella being gone. Because―motherfucker, we were cheated. I was drugged by some two-bit whore and had no fucking control over what had happened to me that night, and Bella and I were both paying the price.

I'd been so angry since it happened, furious with myself, and confused as to how I could hurt her like that. But this anger was different, because someone else did this to me, to us. I wasn't the monster that cheated on the love of his life―I wasn't that guy. In this fucked up fairy tale, I wasn't the villain, but I still had my happily ever after ripped away.

And it fucking pissed me off.

I looked around the apartment I'd shared with Bella for years, the rooms familiar, the layout comforting, but apart from the bare bones, everything was different― the furniture, the pictures, the smell...her.

I snorted another line and leaned back against the couch, the memory of her voice when we first got this place ringing in my ears and bringing a sad smile to my face.

"_And did you see the kitchen?" she laughed, her eyes bright and happy._

"_Yes, baby, I saw the kitchen." I smiled. "But unless you plan on hopping up on that counter and letting me fuck you until the cabinets shake, I'd rather check out the bedroom."_

_She licked her lips, a devilish smirk pulling up the corner of her mouth. "But I feel all gross; we've been unpacking all day. Maybe we should check out the shower first." Her tone was innocent; the way she lifted her shirt over her head and threw it at me before running down the hallway was anything but._

_I caught her just as she stepped into the bathroom, my arms wrapping around her from behind. "Are you trying to get away from me?" I teased, flicking the clasp between her tits and letting her bra fall open._

"_Maybe I just want you to chase me a little." She moaned as I squeezed her tit and bit down on the side of her neck. _

"_But once I catch you, and we both know I will...what exactly do you want me to do to you?"_

_She turned in my arms and pulled the hem of my shirt up and over my head until we were pressed chest to chest. "Then I want you to strip me naked and fuck me senseless."_

_I turned the knob of the shower as I plunged my tongue into her mouth and ripped the button of her pants open._

"_You keep talking like that, and I won't be able to be gentle, baby."_

"_Good, because I don't want gentle. I want you to fuck me hard; let's see how strong the shower wall is, huh?"_

"_I love you." I groaned as she palmed my dick._

"_You and me, baby. You and me," she whispered._

"_Always."_

"_Always," she echoed._

"God." I groaned, fisting my hair and yanking. This was the worst fucking idea ever. Why did I think moving back here was a good idea? This was fucking torture.

The sun rose and fell, the knocks at the door came and went, and my phone rang constantly― it never stopped, and I wouldn't let it― because one of those calls could've been from her.

But in the meantime, I pressed rolled bill to flat surface and sucked numbness into my nose until it bled.

Line._ "I love you, baby."_

Line. _"Touch me, just like that, oh God."_

Line. _"Forever, forever, forever."_

The past ate me alive, and the present swallowed me whole. In and out, in and out. Was I alone? Was she here? It felt like it sometimes. I even heard her voice: she had called my phone, told me she got my message, and that she was sorry for not calling sooner.

But that couldn't be right, because I would know, right? Of course I would know; I wasn't that far gone.

And every day that passed― every time I imagined her voice― I took more pills, drank more booze, and snorted more coke. If this was the only way to be with her, to hear her, to have her tell me she still loved me, then I'd do it until my heart stopped beating, because an imagined connection with her was better than nothing at all.

"Will you come back?" I heard myself ask. Was I talking to someone? Yes, I was talking to Bella. My Bella, long brown hair, wide brown eyes, and a smile that lit up a room. My smile. She was here, no, she was...was she here? Maybe.

"I have my job," she whispered, her voice like honey. "Would you come here?"

"I don't even know where you are." But I did know: she was here, beside me, her fingers stroking the inside of my wrist. I could feel it, my skin prickling with goose bumps as her touch left a trail of fire.

She was here, oh God, everything was perfect, heaven.

"I'm in Chicago." When did I go to Chicago; did my apartment move? Because she was here, with me. I liked Chicago; we could be there. "What about the band?"

"The band? Fuck the band." I laughed, licking my dry lips and shaking my head, my imagination creating images and thoughts more beautiful, more powerful than any lyrics I'd ever written.

"I left it all, baby. All of it. The band, the label. I don't give a fuck about any of it. All I want is you; all I need is you, to breathe your skin into me; I need it like air." I murmured into the silent room, wishing so much that she was here to hear me, to see me, to burn her touch into my skin and brand me all over again.

"...so much." she murmured. What was she talking about? What so much? Missed me? Loved me? Yes, she missed and loved me; it's why she was here; it's why we were finally together again. Why we'd be together forever.

"_So can I play groupie?" Her voice was husky, thick with need, weighted by alcohol._

"_You wanna fuck a rockstar, baby?" I goaded, biting down on her earlobe._

"_I want to fuck my boyfriend." Her voice was stronger, full of sincerity._

"_One of these days you're not going to be able to call me that." I pointed out, my throat tight as my heart hammered in my chest._

"_And why is that?" She pulled away, her face blank, calm, but I didn't miss the way she bit down on the inside of her cheek or her foot rocked back and forth._

"_Because one day," I murmured, grabbing her hand and pulling it to my lips before kissing her ring finger. "You're going to call me your husband."_

"_Oh yeah?" She beamed._

"_Oh yeah." I nodded._

"_I can't wait."_

"_Neither can I."_

I gritted my teeth against the pain, my hand wrapping around something solid, finding my phone clutched in my sweaty palm. I dropped it just as a knock sounded at the door. I blinked slowly until the murky film over my eyes cleared and I could see. I rolled my head to the side where Bella should be, but she wasn't there. Her voice, her touch...it was all in my head. None of it was real. I wasn't in Chicago; I was in Seattle, in our old apartment, pathetic alone and aching.

"Edward," a voice called from outside the door. I didn't know his name, and I didn't give a fuck, but I knew his voice. I looked at my phone, a sneer on my face as I figured out I wasn't talking to Bella at all; I'd called my dealer.

I stumbled to my feet and crossed the room, my chest tight. I guessed it was a good thing I'd called him because one eight ball wasn't enough anymore. Nothing would ever be enough, not until everything stopped.

No big deal.

* * *

**A/N**

**Hi you guys! Sorry for the wait, I went a little bit crazy with edits on this chapter.**

**I'm sure many of you are yelling that Edward needs to get his shit together, that he needs to stop and ask for help. But asking for help would mean that he realizes he has a problem...there's the reason it's the first of twelve steps- it's the hardest. Bella is no longer the reason he's doing what he's doing...she's the excuse.**

**Perry Maxwell is my lovely beta.**

**Modernsafari1, Rose, Amber, Joo, and Ooza are the bestest prereaders eva. **


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Twenty One**

**BPOV**

Sunlight filtered in through the windows. I watched as the beams crept closer, slithering across the floor and bringing light where none belonged. Then, what seemed like a matter of minutes later, I watched the light pull back, retreating in defeat for its time was over, and the darkness I craved dominated once more.

Edward had been drugged.

I slept with Royce.

What had I done in my past life to deserve this? Surely it must have been truly terrible to have to endure this kind of punishment. If I thought before was bad, if I thought my disdain for Alice was absolute, it was nothing compared to the all-consuming hate eating away at me like acid.

I somehow managed to eat, and when Esme stopped by to check on me, I was able to convince her I was sick. Guilt ripped me in two. Guilt for Edward, for Royce, for decisions I'd made, hadn't made―it was relentless.

I wasn't sure how many days passed before I finally pulled myself out of my head and left my apartment. I needed to buy a new phone, and I needed to call my dad. He would know what to do, what to say. He'd make everything better; he always did.

Except this time he didn't. Because he couldn't take away the pain and anger; he couldn't make the terrible things that happened disappear. And when he told me I needed to call Edward, that we needed to talk and see if we could make things work, a lump the size of Texas formed in my throat. I knew I needed to call Edward. He was in my every thought, every single second, since I'd received his message. But I was such a coward.

And my guilt wouldn't be mollified. Not by Dad's reassurance that I'd done nothing wrong, nor the relief in his tone as he whispered that maybe he hadn't been wrong about Edward after all.

Because I did doubt Edward, I never gave him the chance to explain― I bolted. But wouldn't have anyone in my situation? When his only defense was he couldn't remember? I only drank, and there were times when I awoke the next morning and things were a little fuzzy. I just thought... well, I never in a million years thought he'd actually been drugged.

And when Dad wished me a quiet happy Thanksgiving, a cold numbness washed over me.

I hadn't even realized.

Courage. The ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. What I wouldn't do to have some. Just enough to face the uncertainty and the unknown of what would happen when I called Edward.

But wine? Well, I had plenty of that, and apparently with enough of it, courage seemed to creep up on me.

I bit the inside of my cheek before downing the last glass from the bottle. A warmth settled in my chest as I stared down at my phone, Edward's face smiling back at me. I remembered the day the picture was taken like it was yesterday.

"_Pick one."_

"_No," I deadpanned. There was no way he was tricking me again._

"_Just pick a hand, Bella, stop being so difficult."_

"_No."_

"_Baby!" He poked out his bottom lip, even letting his eyebrows dip as he turned on the full his puppy dog face. Ass. He knew I always folded against that face._

"_Fine. Left." I sighed._

"_Right it is."_

"_I said left," I pointed out._

"_Yeah, but I don't have anything in my left, so you get right."_

"_You're so stupid." I laughed, smacking his right hand and rolling my eyes._

"_Stupid in love." His goofy smile and sappy words made me want to laugh._

"_Yeah, yeah, gimmie." I sassed, holding my hand out in front of me._

"_Such a diva," he teased, flipping his hand over and opening his fist._

"_Edward!" My eyes widened as he dropped a silver chain into my hand, a sliver heart hanging from the end._

"_It's a locket, your picture and mine, two halves of one whole, you and me, baby. It's us, together forever."_

"_I like the sound of that. You sap." I laughed._

"_Call me what you want, so long as we stay that way, I'm good."_

Press send. That's all I had to do. And I could hear his voice, talk to him, fix this shitty situation we'd been dealt. I wrapped my fingers around the heart pendant resting against my chest and pulled in a deep breath, comforted in my haze of alcohol― it was time.

"Bella?" His voice was low, strained, and it caused my chest to clench. Speaking to him, it was so different than listening to voicemails.

"Bella?"

Shit. I needed to say...something. "I'm here." Quiet, timid, my nerves causing my hands to shake.

"You're not here." He tsked. Was his voice off? Different? Or was it me and the bottle of wine?

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just..." he trailed off with an exhale as silence settled between us, obviously unsure what to say.

I shook my head. I had a purpose; I knew what I needed to say, and I had to do it now before I lost my nerve. I could worry about dissecting every little thing later.

"I got your message. Edward-" I choked, my throat tightening. "I don't even know where to start, what to say..."

"I love you; I miss you so much," he interrupted. "I don't care about what's happened; I just want you. Here. With me. I need you, baby." His words seemed garbled as blood pumped furiously through my body and roared in my ears, my silent gasps and guilty tears consuming me.

And before I gave myself a chance to falter, I told him where I was, asked him to come here, and cried harder when I thought about having him here, in this new life I'd tried to build for myself, with new people.

People like Royce.

Then with suffocating anguish, I listened as he told me he'd left the band, all of it. Done. Over. The way his voice shook, how his words seemed to fade in and out showed exactly how hard everything had been on him.

"I miss you so much," I said, my voice not strong enough to manage more than a whisper.

"Ah, baby, you have no idea, none. I'm not even a person right now," he murmured. "How can I be a person when I have no soul? Come back to me, be with me, give me back my soul so I can be good for you again."

"We have a lot to talk about, things...things I need to tell you, but I'd really like to try," I promised.

He hummed into the phone, the sound tired, sleepy.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again.

"So tired," he slurred.

I sighed into the phone, not wanting to disconnect the call, not wanting to break the first real communication we'd had in months― I missed him so damn much. But as I listened to his breaths become heavy, deeper, and longer, I knew that nothing else would be discussed tonight. I closed my eyes softly, letting the twin tears roll down my cheeks. "Get some rest; I'll call you later."

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too. I never stopped," I uttered quietly before disconnecting the call.

Dark circles rimmed sad, dark eyes. But I couldn't hide anymore. I had to go to work, I had to face Royce, and I needed to figure out what I planned to do about...everything.

I avoided speaking to anyone as I slipped to my cube, a hollow feeling blooming in my chest when I found my desk clear: no bag of candy, no silly notes, nothing.

Had I really expected to?

I didn't see Royce at all that day, or the next. When I finally not so subtly asked Esme where he was, she gave me a small, sad smile and informed me he was taking a well overdue vacation.

"Esme, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt him."

"I know you didn't, Bella. But it's happened, now you just have to figure out what to do next."

"He was drugged." I confessed.

"What? Who was drugged? Royce?" She questioned, her eyes wide as she wrapped her hand around my arm and pulled me into her office.

I shook my head and lowered my eyes. "Edward. He was drugged. I found out...after." I trailed off, hoping she understood what I was referring to.

"I'm going to need a little more than that, Bella."

I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep breath before blurting out everything that happened: My night with Royce― which she already knew about obviously― the voicemail, my phone breaking, everything.

"Jesus Christ, Bella. Who is the bitch and where do I find her?" She spat, her smooth, comforting tone replaced with anger.

"Oh believe me, I've had to stop myself a million times from booking a ticket back to Seattle just to find her and slam her face into a brick wall."

"And then run over her with a truck," Esme mumbled causing me to smile.

"But it won't change things; I have to focus on what's next."

"What _is_ next?"

I sighed and looked down at my lap. "I'm so conflicted. I love my job and Chicago more than I could have hoped. Then there's you, Carlisle... Royce," I quietly added, knowing I definitely cared for him, regardless of the status of our friendship, or whatever it was until now.

"But?"

"But―Edward's in Seattle. Do I go back? Do I surround myself with all the memories from before, both the good and the bad?" I shook my head, every part of me finding the idea of going back to Seattle abhorrent. "I asked him to come here, to see if, I don't know if we can try and put the pieces back together, but how uncomfortable would that make things?" I blew out a frustrated breath, my head swimming with a million different scenarios.

"I think," she hedged, "maybe you should take things one day at a time. Don't make any life-changing decisions right now. Talk to him; maybe the distance won't be such a bad thing, give you a chance to deal with what you're feeling right now."

I nodded, my eyes focused on my fingers as I twisted them together. I knew she was right and that my impulsive request for him to come here was probably not the smartest thing to do, but the thought of delaying seeing him for one second more than necessary seemed impossible at the time. But I hadn't really considered the alternative, of how I would feel seeing him, looking into his eyes after what had happened with Royce. Add in my indecision about whether to tell him and my guilt for actually considering keeping it to myself―it was too much.

My feelings were so jumbled, and as hard as I tried to reconcile what I knew―that he'd been drugged, it did nothing to sooth the part of me that still had the image of him with another woman burned into my mind. It still hurt so very much.

So I took things slow.

I called him a couple of times a week, and when I did, it was usually after a couple of glasses of wine to dull the edges. I knew there were things we needed to discuss: like what happened that night, the events that led to it, and the distance that had formed between us on the last leg of his tour. But Edward was intent on living in the past, reminiscing about better times, when we were happy.

If I was being honest, I knew he was avoiding. He didn't want to relive that night anymore than I did―and because I wasn't ready to confront my own issues―I let him. But I wasn't so lost in my own avoidance's to not realize something was different about Edward now: he seemed disconnected almost, like even though he was there, talking to me...he wasn't.

I didn't know what to make of it, how to decipher what exactly it was that wasn't right. Was he like this because of me? Did us being apart, him leaving the band and other things I had no idea about have more of an effect on him than I realized?

"What did you do today?" I asked, pulling my knees to my chest and tucking them under Edward's shirt.

"Thought about you." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"But what else? What are you doing with all the free time you have now?" I pressed, a familiar sense of unease creeping over me.

"Do you remember when we used to go with your dad to the lake? How he and I would fish, but you would stay on the sandbar with your feet in the water and laugh at the two of us constantly getting our lines tangled." His tone was wistful, distant.

"I remember," I said cautiously, my heart starting to beat a little faster.

"You know, the reason our lines always got tangled up was because I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy looking at you, the way you turned your face to the sun, and how the wind would whip your hair around your face. You were so fucking beautiful, it almost hurt to look at you. But I didn't turn away, because to not look at you was so much worse." His voice broke, and it felt like I was breaking right along with it―something wasn't right.

"Ed-"

"I wish I could see you now." His words were hushed, pained, before a strained chuckle burst from his throat. "I can, you know, if I close my eyes, it's so real. I can hear and see you, but every time I reach out―" he paused, taking several shuddering breaths before speaking quietly again. "You're not there."

"Edward, what's going on? Are you sure you're okay?" I murmured, my body tight with...something.

"I'm always okay if I have you, baby, but I'm so tired right now; we should sleep."

Sleep was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I wanted keep talking, to try and work out why I felt so anxious. But his heavy exhale and quiet murmur of my name told me, like many of our previous conversations, this one was over.

"Okay." I nodded, my throat bobbing as I swallowed.

"Okay." He sighed. "Love you."

The line was quiet except for his deep, even breaths. Maybe he hadn't been sleeping; maybe that's why the phone calls had seemed so off.

I knew it was bullshit before I even finished the thought. This was something more, something that caused my stomach to twist and my throat to burn.

It fucking terrified me.

* * *

**A/N**

**I messed around with this chapter a little after Perry gave it back to me, so any mistakes are mine, all mine.**

**So Bella's getting a clue huh? What ever will she do?**

**My wonderful prereaders, y'all are like the vodka in my cosmo, without you...I'd just be a bitter fruit juice. **

**Also A Jasper For Me for rec'ed GH on her blog! Thank you!**

**And thank all of you guys for reading and reviewing!**

**~Liv**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**Chapter Twenty Two**

**EPOV**

"Marcus?" I asked, falling back onto my sofa. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to check on you, man. I haven't seen you in almost a month."

"Well, here I am." I laughed, my tongue thick, my mouth dry.

"You been taking a lot of these?" He asked, picking up a bottle on the table and shaking it, the few pills left inside rattling around.

I hummed and smirked. "Exactly how many is a lot?"

"I'm just worried about you, man." He sighed and fell into the chair across from me. " I didn't know about Alice and what she did," he added quietly.

"Don't say that bitch's name." I hissed, my jaw clenched.

"Sorry, sorry," he apologized, his hands raised in front of him.

Tense silence followed, and all I wanted to do was snatch the bottle of pills from his hand and swallow them all, anything to make me not think. Anything to see and hear her.

"Have you talked to Bella?" His voice was low and cautious. I smiled and closed my eyes; brown hair, brown eyes, and a flirty smile flashed in my mind.

"Everyday." I sighed.

"Really?" He asked, his voice high, surprised.

"Yeah. She comes here sometimes too; she sits with me and whispers about us and second chances, about how she loves me." My brows furrowed, and a frown twisted my mouth. "But she never stays long; she leaves before I can touch her, feel her, but she comes back. She always comes back."

"Bella's here? In Seattle?"

"No." I sighed in annoyance, rolling my eyes behind closed lids. "We're in Chicago." I peeked an eye open and stared at him for a minute. "What are you doing here? I'm not coming back to the band dude; Bella comes first."

"Edward, what the fuck are you talking about?"

Why did his voice sound so weird? I licked my dry lips and shifted on the couch, causing something hard to press into my back. I reached around and pulled out another bottle of pills, new ones― better ones, ones that kept her with me longer. Oxycontin I believe they were called.

That's why he sounded so strange: they were starting to kick in, which meant Bella would be here soon. Marcus needed to leave.

"I've got shit to do." I waved my hand, ignoring the way his mouth hung open and his eyes seemed to widen. "It was good seeing you; have a safe trip back home."

I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom. I needed to piss and brush my fucking teeth before Bella showed up. I needed to look my best so maybe she would stay longer, maybe let me touch her.

Hours, days, seconds passed, like a movie on fast forward―daylight, dark― line, pill, drink. Knock, knock, stop. Bella, Bella, Bella. Real and fake, here and gone. Love, love, love.

"Edward?"

I sighed in contentment; this was going to be one of better ones, where she was clearer, real. "Hey, beautiful."

"How are you today?"

"Better now." I smiled.

"Edward, are you high?" she blurted out.

My stomach tightened, and for a second everything seemed a little clearer, a little more real―that's when it hit me. I really was talking to my girl, and she just asked me about drugs.

_Lie_, a voice hissed in my ear, causing my fist to tighten as a fissure of fear bubbled inside of me.

"Of course not." The lie rolled off my tongue so smoothly, my hand loosened slightly, relaxed.

"Then why...you don't seem like yourself...you're scaring me," she whispered.

I huffed through my nose. My vision started to blur and swim as my body became weighted, heavy. "I'm _not_ myself baby; I haven't been since I lost you."

"Edward." Her voice seemed to have an edge to it; was she mad at me? Baby couldn't be mad at me; she might leave. And I couldn't have that, not again, not now that she was really here.

_Lie._

"I just smoked a bowl."

"You don't sound like you just smoked a bowl."

_Lie better._

My heart rate started to increase, pushing the sludge around my heart and in my veins through my body, causing the room to spin and a satisfied sigh to push past my parted lips.

I was free falling.

"Edward?"

Bella? Was she...did she ask me something? Is she...where is she? I was so thirsty.

"Drink." I mumbled, clumsily reaching for the glass on the table and downing the contents.

"You've been drinking." It didn't sound like a question, so I didn't answer. The room was moving so fast.

Silence lay thick on my skin, and my eyes drifted shut before Bella's voice rang in my ear once more.

"We―we've talked about a lot of things lately, but... we haven't really talked about my time here in Chicago, and I think it's time." She breathed heavily, before pulling in a choppy breath.

What was wrong with her? What did she mean _she_ was in Chicago? I pinched my eyes closed even tighter and tried to sort out the chaos in my head as she continued speaking.

"I have something I need to tell you, and I have fought with myself about whether or not to, but if we are going to try and work things out―really give ourselves a chance to heal―I need to tell you something."

Was she nervous? Did her voice sound off? Was it me? I didn't like this feeling; why was everything so heavy? We were supposed to talk about her being here with me...in Seattle? Chicago? Where was I? Was she here? Was I there? I shook my head and tried to focus on her voice, the fact that she was with me, that I hadn't lost her.

But when she spoke again, everything started to become distorted and murky, the words muffled.

"...Royce."

Who the fuck was Royce?

"I didn't know...it happened before, when I thought―I was just trying to move on, and we'd been dating for months."

What happened? Before what? She was dating someone? I didn't understand anything. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

"Bella." I swallowed, trying to ground myself. "What are you talking about?"

"I slept with him." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"No." I shook my head again, trying to erase the words from my mind. This wasn't right; something was off. She was testing me.

"_What if it was me?"_

I remember her asking me that, and I ruined it last time. I wouldn't ruin it again, because right now, it didn't fucking matter. I wanted memories, happy times, us together, no one else. Never anyone else.

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter?"

Why did she sound so surprised. Didn't she know she was everything?

"No, Bella. I only want you, just you."

"Oh my God, Edward, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. And the guilt, it's been killing me. Do you really mean it?" She sobbed, her voice breaking over and over. "It really doesn't matter?"

"Will we be together again? Will you let me touch you?" I whispered, my hands balling into tight fists, my jaw clenched as I thought about finally being able to brush my fingers through her hair, press my lips to her skin, and sink my body into hers.

"Yeah, baby. That's what I want. I want us back."

"When?" I choked, my eyes burning. I wiped my face; why was it wet? Was I crying? I shouldn't be crying. She was going to let me touch her; we were going to be together.

"Soon. I promise. Soon."

"Soon. Right now isn't soon enough for me, baby."

"I know, I just―there are some things I need to do first, okay? But I promise you'll hear from me tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that until I can get things worked out, okay?"

"Everyday? I like that. That's perfect actually."

"I love you, Edward."

"I love you too, baby. Can't wait to touch you, hold you, love you."

"Me either. Maybe I can come―"

There was a noise, was it knocking? Here?

"Can you hang on a second?" That was Bella, where was she going?

"_Hey, can we talk?"_

Who was that?

"Um, yeah, give me a minute?" Bella again. Who was she talking to?

"Bella, who was that?" I asked, my heart pounding in my chest.

"It's, um, Royce. His cousin lives down..." Why couldn't I hear her? Why did her words sound like I was floating underwater?

"I'll call you later, okay? I love you."

Did I respond? I think I did, but this wasn't how our talks ended. Royce, who was Royce? Why did that sound familiar?

I grabbed the bottle by my side and gulped until I choked and the bottle weighted nothing in my hand.

Who was Royce?

I shook my head and leaned over the coffee table, scattering white powder everywhere with a poorly timed exhale. I fell to my knees, raking my credit card across the glass until a white mound sat before me. I grabbed the straw and inhaled, I didn't need lines; I just needed it all inside of me, to wipe away the unsettled feeling brewing like a storm in my chest, rumbling like thunder and burning like lightning striking at my heart over and over again.

Who was Royce?

I heaved myself from the floor and to the bedroom. I needed to talk to Bella. She could explain.

"_Get up. Get up."_

"Emmett?" I blinked. Was he in our bedroom? Why was Emmett here?

I walked down the hall, but...it wasn't the same anymore. Where was I? Light, up the hall, there was light. Was that where Emmett was? With Bella?

I turned and fell against the wall as a wave of dizziness came over me, everything familiar and foreign at the same time.

"_Bella, get the fuck up," Emmett hissed, yanking on her arm. "There's still time."_

No. No, no, no. What was he doing?

"_Bella?" _Why did my voice sound so weird?

What was she doing, and who was with her?

"_Bella, no," I choked. _

My breath stilled in my chest. What the fuck was I seeing here? What was happening?

I blinked, the room changing― empty, our apartment, but different.

I blinked again, my old house, Bella in my bed, wild hair, wide eyes, naked chest―not alone.

"_Edward?" _

"_Bella, what are you doing?"_

I grabbed at my throat, clawing at my skin, too tight, too tight, couldn't breathe.

"_Royce," she gasped._

"_Who the fuck is Royce?" I roared, my hands fisting my hair roughly._

"_I didn't know; it was before. I'm so sorry, baby."_

"_Didn't know what? Bella, baby, what have you done?" I begged. _

I wanted to wake up. This was a dream, no a nightmare― it didn't happen. But _why _did it seem so real? Was this happening now?

"_Bella, come back to bed." An arm extended and wrapped around her. She didn't resist, a soft smile on her face as she turned away from me, her hair hiding him from my view._

"Fuck!" I howled as her voice reached my ears once more.

"_I slept with him."_

"_I slept with him."_

"_I slept with him."_

"_I'm in Chicago."_

"_That's Royce; I have to go."_

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I sobbed, sliding to the floor.

It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.

Blink, our apartment.

Blink, my house.

I shook my head, fake, fake, fake. I just needed to prove it; I needed to see. I staggered to my feet and into the bedroom, different, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Where were her things? In the closet? I ripped the door open, yanking and tearing at the clothes on the rack. Where were her clothes?

The dresser. I snatched the drawers to the floor, throwing clothes around the room, dread lodged in my throat, my muscles clamping down on it like a vice.

She was gone? Bella had slept with someone else? She'd left me?

No. Not right, not right. But where was she? _Where?_

It didn't make sense; nothing made sense. I needed to call her, talk to her.

I stumbled to the living room, the kitchen―where was my phone?

The bathroom. My hands shook as I dialed her number. She would answer; we talked now; things were okay; none of this was real.

"_Hi, you've reached Bella..."_

Straight to voicemail. She didn't answer; she never did. I remembered that. It was all a dream, but what part? She wasn't here; she was with Royce.

She'd left me.

It really was over.

I pulled the pills from my pocket. I had to erase everything, go back to before. Before everything was fucked up.

Before we were broken.

* * *

**A/N**

**Oh boy. **

**Also, I'm so damn sorry I have been completely fail with review replies. I have a new story I'm working on for Halloween and I'm pretty sure it ate my brain. Seriously. But please know that I read every review and it means so much to me that you guys take the time to read and review like you do.**

**Thanks to Perry and my wonderful prereaders. You guys are the best.**

**See you guys soon.**

**~Liv**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three**

**BPOV**

"Come on in." I swallowed, wiping my eyes on Edward's shirt sleeve.

"Hey," he mumbled quietly, rubbing the back of his neck.

We moved into the living room, the silence tense, awkward. We settled on opposite ends of the couch and stared at each other until I couldn't stand it any longer.

"You were gone," I pointed out, annoyed but relieved to see him.

"I needed a vacation." He shrugged.

"You've been gone for over a month," I deadpanned.

"What can I say? I had lots of time to use."

"Royce," I sighed, my voice soft.

"I needed time, Bella," he whispered. "This isn't easy for me. I don't―I don't date, and I certainly don't sleep around. Add in the fact that I am a man...that's quite a hit to my ego."

"I'm so sorry," I murmured, a sharp pain digging into my chest as I thought about how I'd hurt him.

"I know you are. But it doesn't change anything does it?" His smile was sad, resigned; he knew the answer before I even shook my head no.

"Esme...she―she told me what happened."

I nodded and picked at the hem of my shirt, the end fraying where the string was coming loose.

We were quiet again, my eyes focused intently on my hands. He sighed and shifted closer, his hand resting over the top of mind and halting my movements.

"I don't want you to leave," he confessed.

My eyes shot to his, my brows furrowed in confusion.

"Not because of me," he added quickly before pulling his hand away and cupping the back of his neck and laughing softly. "You'd think at some point I'd stop being so awkward around you."

"What exactly is going on, Royce?"

"I won't assume your indecision of whether or not to stay in Chicago has anything to do with you feeling uncomfortable around me; I think the recent hit to my ego took care of that."

"Royce-"

He held up his hand and shook his head, silently asking me to let him finish. I pulled in a deep breath and nodded, my eyes fixed on his.

"We were friends first. And as hard as it is for me right now to see you, I'd like to think even if we can't get back to that, we could at least coexist. You're great at your job, Esme loves you, and it doesn't sound like Seattle is the best place for you―for either of you," he added quietly. "I'll give you space, stay out of your way, but you've kinda wormed your way into our lives, and none of us are ready to let you go."

I wanted to cry, I wanted to throw up, and I wanted to hug him. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, tightening my grip until it was almost painful. "Thank you," I whispered.

"For what?" he asked, his voice low, his breath fanning over my skin as he hugged me just as tight.

"For being so wonderful. For trying to understand. You're an amazing man Royce, and in another life..." I trailed off, saddened that his person, his soulmate, was living a life somewhere without him, and not even realizing what they were missing.

"Yeah, yeah," he huffed, squeezing me once more before pulling away. "I should quit my job and work on my time machine."

"You're such a nerd." I laughed, kicking his leg and causing my phone to hit the floor. The battery popped off and slid across the floor, but at least the screen didn't bust this time. I picked it up and tossed it on the table; I'd fix it later.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked, his face a little more serious.

"Well, it's almost Christmas; I thought maybe I would fly to Seattle, surprise him, and then, see if he's willing to come back here, with me."

He smiled, but it wasn't enough to cover the slight wince that pulled at his features. "I'm happy for you, Bella. That's all I've ever really wanted, for you to be happy."

"I know." I nodded.

By the time he left, I was completely drained. I stumbled into my room and fell into bed, sleep taking me under before my head hit the pillow.

The weekend passed quickly and dragged at the same time. I called Edward a couple of times, but each time his phone went straight to voicemail. I tried to push down the feelings of unease growing in my chest, that maybe he'd spoken too soon and he wasn't okay with what happened between Royce and I after all.

By Wednesday, I was a wreck. No communication from him at all. No texts, no calls, nothing. What other explanation could there be for his absence other than he'd changed his mind?

"Have you tried calling anyone to check on him?" Esme asked as I twisted my fingers nervously.

"I don't have a lot of options," I confessed. "His father ran out on him and his mom when he was a kid. His mom...she died a few years ago, and since he's left the band, I can't imagine he's still talking to any of them, not after everything that happened."

"What about your Dad?"

"I called him, but he can't make it up there until this weekend. I even called Emmett last night, but he didn't answer. Not that I blame him; I wasn't the most pleasant person the last time we spoke."

"So are you going to wait for your dad to check on him?"

I shook my head vehemently. "I can't wait that long."

I yanked at my hair and bit the inside of my cheek as I paced the length of her office, my emotions jumping from fear to sadness to anger and back again. "I should have never told him over the phone. I should have waited until we were face to face. But I was so afraid, too much of a coward to see how the news would affect him with my own eyes."

"So what are you going to do, just fly there and confront him?"

"I have to know." I sniffed.

"When are you planning on leaving?"

"As soon as possible, I just― I have to see him."

"And you're sure?"

I inhaled slowly, focusing on the way my lungs burned as the cool air expanded my chest. Because that ache, it was bearable. I could handle the slight pain that came with filling my lungs just a little too full.

But what I couldn't handle―the pain that dominated everything else― the pain that _wasn't_ bearable, was the ache in my heart... because it wasn't expanding at all.

"I'm sure," I whispered, the words causing a tiny skip, the first flutter of a heart crushed and broken― that had flatlined so long ago. Because as terrified as I was about what might happen, the thought of not going, was so much worse.

"You know I only want what's best for you. I want you to be happy." Her warm smile radiated sincerity; it wrapped around me like the softest blanket offering comfort and love.

Love.

My eyes stung and my nose burned as emotions swelled inside of me. Like hot lava boiling and rising, trapped under the surface, but moving and rushing in every direction― fighting for an opening, a weak spot where it could break free and burn everything it touched to ash.

But I was already ash. Nothing more than the charred remains of a person who no longer existed. And I knew, in those tattered remains, the only thing that could save me― the balm to soothe my pain, was the very thing that caused it.

Edward.

"You were right about so much, Esme. Life happens, and it's not always pleasant. I'm still so angry about what happened, and there's nothing anyone can say that will ever make me understand. Even knowing he was drugged can't erase the memory of him in bed with another woman." My teeth ground together, my hands curling into tight fists as I battled to keep my bitterness and anger at bay.

Bitterness and anger at Alice: the self-centered little bitch who felt completely justified in putting date-rape drugs in someone's drink out of nothing more than sheer jealousy. At Edward for going out that night, and at myself for not coming out with him like he'd asked.

I sighed heavily and lowered myself onto the couch across from Esme. I was so tired. Tired of fighting against every instinct my body demanded I feel, the good and the bad.

"But I'm willing to fight for us." I exhaled, the weight on my shoulders almost too much to bear. "That's what he wanted before, for me to fight, when he was the one who messed up. And I didn't; I ran."

"It's okay, Bella," she interrupted, moving to the couch and grabbing my hands. "No judgement, remember? You don't have to explain anything to me."

"I'm just―he doesn't get to be mad at me." I spat, my distress morphing into anger again. "He doesn't get to ignore me. Yes, I slept with someone else, but I was trying to move on, to pick up the pieces of my life and not drown in the emptiness of losing him. I didn't choose this."

"If you show up in Seattle looking like you do now, I might be scared for him if I didn't want to smack him." She chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Esme, I might just shake the shit out of him the moment I lay eyes on him, then kiss him until neither one of us can breathe," I retorted, not joking even a little bit.

"Things will work out how they're supposed to; you just have to believe that."

"Things have to work out, Esme. He's been my entire world for so long, and then in the blink of an eye, it was all ripped away. To have that life offered to me again, hanging in the air so close I can taste―only to have it snatched it away all over again― I don't think my heart could take it," I confessed, my roller coaster of emotions turning from hope to anger to helplessness making the room spin and my stomach drop.

"I'm going to be so worried about you." She exhaled, her face pinched.

I shrugged one shoulder and gave her a half smile as a tear spilled down my cheek. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

"But so much to lose."

"Yeah," I muttered.

"Call me if you need anything. A hug, bail money, an alibi..." she trailed off grinning.

"I may end up needing them all, just not necessarily in that order." I laughed, rising to my feet.

"Go, get out of here; it's almost Christmas; you have some time; get your things and get your ass to Seattle and give that boy of yours a swift kick in the ass."

I hugged her close, smiling at the thought of doing just that.

I made my way to my desk to grab my purse, a smile sliding across my face when I noticed a note placed over a candy bar. I lifted the paper and swallowed thickly as I read Royce's note.

_**I hope this is the only Rocky Road you have to face. Good luck with everything, Bella.**_

_**-Royce**_

On my desk sat a Rocky Road candy bar. I shoved it in my bag and sucked in a sharp breath, completely agreeing with Royce―I hoped it'd be the only rocky road I faced as well.

I walked out of the building, tightening my arms around my chest as the frigid December air whipped against my face. I had only one thought on my mind as I made my way to my apartment―I'd have all my questions answered soon―I was going home.

* * *

**A/N**

**Hi. Me again. Told you guys I'd get the chapters out a little faster this time! The next one is almost done with edits, but I'm going out of town this weekend, so give me a couple of days and I'll post. Also I'll put up a teaser on my blog later today or tomorrow for chapter 24!**

**Perry beta's, she also wants to put Royce in her pocket and take him home. So does Julie. While they're mud wrestling, me and Royce are gonna slip out the side door.**

**Rose, Ooza, Amber, and Modernsafari1 are sipping margaritas and munching on popcorn.**

**Thank you guys for your reviews, I love y'all hard!**

**Now, I have gone back and forth about addressing some anon reviews I received for the last few updates. I said I would be the bigger person. Turns out I lied. The latest ones had me in tears and I can only be expected to take so much before I defend myself. I literally felt like I'd been beaten up.**

**Dear anon reviewer, Miss "brutally honest" you know who you are. This is my preemptive response to the nasty fucking review you are sure to leave.- Fuck you. You have bashed my story, my characters and _ME_. You have bitched and moaned about how much you can't stand this, how you hate that, blah, blah, blah. I get it. You hate the story. SO GO THE FUCK ON. Seriously, do you think I enjoy your reviews? Do you think they offer ANY value whatsoever to the development of this story? Cause I can assure you, they do not. There are TONS of fics out there that I'm sure you'll find more enjoyable. And if not, open a word doc and write your own damn story. **

**To the OTHER anon reviewer who said "this story felt like something I would have written when I was 15 and just decided to post as fanfiction, because clearly I have no experience with the subject matter"...I have to ask, DO YOU? Because if you did, you would delete that entire part of your review and sit in the corner ashamed of yourself. I know EXACTLY what I am writing, I know more about this subject than I ever want to admit. And please stop comparing GH to PTD. These two stories are COMPLETELY different, they invoke entirely different emotions, so of course you're not going to feel the same. How boring would it be to write/read the same kind of story over and over again? **

**Sorry about the soapbox guys, but handling this matter privately, which I would have preferred, wasn't an option since the reviewers decided to hide behind anon reviews. I don't mind if people are upset with the characters, or the story, that's okay, you're entitled to your opinion and I would never begrudge you that. But when you spew venom and hate over and over, you need to move on, obviously, this story isn't for you.**

**See y'all in a couple of days.**

**~Liv**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

**EPOV**

The stench of vomit burned my nose as I lifted myself off the floor. My phone lay beside me, the screen black, the glass shattered. I pushed up on my arms, the act physically painful as the movement jarred my pounding head.

I drew my knees toward my body and planted my feet at the base of the toilet before pushing until my back hit the wall. I looked around the room, my lip curling in disgust at the blackened tiles and grimy walls splattered with bile.

Where was I? It was so familiar...but not. I let my head fall against the wall, wondering exactly how long I'd been here, and again where exactly _here _was. I crawled to my feet, my body sluggish and aching, I needed something for this pain, something to numb the hurt I was feeling both inside and out.

I pulled out a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet, sighing in relief and knowing it wouldn't be long now, and everything would stop. I focused in front of me, the hall and living room beyond stopping me cold. I was at our apartment, but where was Bella?

"Bella?" I rasped, my throat like fire.

I stumbled into our living room, but it was all wrong, nothing looked right.

"Bella." My voice was louder this time, the pain more intense as I swallowed blood.

Where was she? I looked in the kitchen, the den...maybe she was in the bedroom.

I froze, grasping the door frame for support as our conversation yesterday― at least I think it was yesterday― flashed through my mind. It couldn't have been yesterday, could it? And why did everything hurt so much?

With a shaky hand, I lifted the open bottle and poured a handful of pills into my open palm.

One pill, two pill, red pill, blue pill, suck them down, swirl them around, until you feel like you're wearing a crown.

I chuckled at my train of thought; of course, I'd turn a children's story into lyrics about drugs. I tossed the pills in my mouth and swallowed, wincing as they burned their way down my throat.

What was I doing?

I needed something to drink, that's it. I was thirsty. Kitchen, I needed to go there. Wasn't I just in the kitchen? Why didn't I get something to drink then; I was so thirsty.

Water soothed my parched throat, but my heart, my body―I was so tired.

Couch. I fell into it. Soft. Lazy eyes gazing at white power, lover to lover. Need. No more pain.

"_Snort it all," _a voice hissed.

Pills, spilled on the floor.

"_Take them all,"_ the voice whispered.

"_She'll be yours again,"_ it promised.

"Bella." I exhaled, my eyes fluttering closed, my body sagging, shuddering, jerking.

"_Let go."_

"Yes," I agreed. Scooping up all of the pills. There were so many.

"_Not enough."_

I turned to the coke.

"_Do it all."_

I snorted more.

"_Make the pain go away. She'll be here."_

My chest was tight. I couldn't breathe, but it didn't matter; she was finally here.

Flashes.

High school.

"_I love you."_

"_You just want to get in my pants." She laughed._

"_I'm willing to wait...until we're married," I quipped._

"_Fuck that. We can't get the paperwork done that fast. I want you now."_

"_I don't want to hurt you, baby," I told her. Causing her pain was the last thing I wanted._

"_I trust you."_

Prom.

"_You're so fucking beautiful."_

"_I might not be once I hit a couple of these girls for eye fucking you."_

"_There's other girls?" I laughed, holding her tight. I loved her so much I thought I would burst sometimes; she was my forever, my everything._

"_You really don't see the way they look at you?" Her eyes were narrowed in suspicion._

"_All I ever see is you, Bella."_

"EDWARD! EDWARD!"

Banging, there was banging; who was shouting?

Fishing.

"_You gonna take care of her, Edward?" Charlie asked, pulling my attention away from the beautiful girl sitting on the sand bar._

"_I promise to love her forever, Charlie. She's everything to me."_

"_She's your Renee," he whispered, my heart breaking for him._

"_Yeah," I exhaled. _

_Silence settled over us before I finally spoke. _

"_How can you stand to live without her?" I couldn't imagine living in a world where Bella didn't exist._

_He sighed heavily, taking a long pull from his beer. "Bella. Bella gave me purpose."_

"_And without her?" I asked, terrified of his answer._

"_I never would have lived a day after her life ended."_

"I need an ambulance; he's not breathing. Goddamn it!"

Pain, in my chest, sharp, fast. Was I moving? It felt like floating.

College

"_I got a job!" I smiled._

"_Oh yeah? Where?" Her voice was just as excited as mine._

"_This dive bar downtown. I'll play on Thursday nights. It's not much, but I'm excited."_

"_I'm so happy for you, baby. You're meant to do great things, I just know it."_

"BP is dropping...looks like a drug overdose..."

"_Here's to six of the best years of my life, baby," I toasted, clinking my glass with hers._

"_I love you so fucking much. You're my whole world." _

"Do you know what he's taken?"

"Look around the fucking room; what _hasn't_ he taken!"

"_Are you sure you want to wear that?" I asked eyeing all of the skin exposed from her barely-there bathing suit._

"_What's wrong with my suit?" She even stuck her lip out in a pout. She knew what the hell was wrong with that suit._

"_There's not very much suit," I pointed out, wincing from her glare._

"_And you think girls won't be ogling you, Mr. Sex Hair?"_

"_But only you know what my real sex hair looks like." I grinned._

"_And only you know what the rest of me really looks like under this suit."_

"_I might need a reminder..." I smirked crossing the room and pulling her to me._

"_We're not going swimming are we?" She exhaled, her lips parting._

"_No fucking way. But," I whispered, pulling the string from around her neck and letting the material fall to the floor, "I promise you'll still get wet."_

"_I already am."_

"We've lost him; charge the paddles!"

_Too bright..._

"AGAIN!"

_Mom?_

"_Oh, Edward, baby." _Was she crying?

"AGAIN!"

_Where are you going? Mom, wait..._

"_No, honey, please, please don't follow me."_

"We have a heartbeat! What's the ETA?"

"_You want me to travel with you?" Bella asked, her eyes wide, her smile breathtaking._

"_Of course I do; I want you with me always."_

"_Oh my God, Edward, there's nothing I want more. You always come first. Forever."_

"Push the tube in; we have to pump his stomach now!"

Pain. White hot. Bitter, bile, blood.

"_We should get a pet."_

"_Well, hello there, Mr. Domestic," she teased._

"_I'm serious; we should get a dog, a big one."_

"_In an apartment? You're insane."_

"_Not an apartment." I smiled shaking my head. "A house. Our house."_

"_You want to buy a house? For us?"_

"_Of course I do. We're gonna have it all, baby."_

"_We already do."_

"He's not responding."

"_You know, I'm going to ask you to marry me someday," I warned._

"_You better," she sassed smiling. "This milk ain't free."_

"Are you the next of kin?"

"No, no...someone needs to call Bella."

"What about his parents?"

"Bella is his family; my girlfriend has already called her."

"_I wrote you a song," I whispered, nervous that she would hate it._

"_Play it for me?"_

"_It might suck."_

"_It's about us? How we're meant to be?"_

"_Yeah." I smiled, my head down, embarrassed._

"_Then it will be beautiful," she promised._

"We have to put him on a ventilator; his heart is working too hard. We-"

"We have to wait for Bella! Goddamnit! You keep him breathing until she gets here. You fucking hear me?"

"_I want to do movies."_

"_Movies? Like pornos?" I joked._

"_No, you ass, I want to direct. I want to produce. I want to be behind the scenes."_

"_But for pornos, right?" I hinted, raising a brow at her._

"_Actually, yes." She smirked. "I hear some of those guys have the biggest cocks..."_

_I grabbed her and kissed the shit out of her before she could finish her sentence._

"_How do you feel about documentaries on pottery?" I asked, my lips still pressed to hers._

"_I like pottery just fine." She laughed._

_Thank fuck._

Voices floated around me. Who were these people? Go away.

Bella. I only wanted Bella.

I drifted, drowning in memories, time slipping and spinning, whispers―strange, unfamiliar.

Then finally, _finally_, Bella.

"Oh, baby," she cried. She sounded so sad. I never wanted her sad.

"_I'm here," I whispered, my mouth unmoving._

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know. So sorry. But I'm here now."

"Heart rate increasing; it's too much, too fast."

Pain, light, bright.

"Calm down, honey, I'm here, Edward baby, please."

"_Bella, I love you so much; I'm so sorry for everything." _

Was that me? It sounded all wrong, so far away.

"Don't," she spat. "Don't you do that. You fight for me, damnit. I'm not ready, I'm not ready to lose you. You stop that right now."

He's coding! It's too much! NURSE, CODE BLUE!"

"Edward, no," she cried, "no, baby, no. Stay with me please."

"_Will you stay with me?" I begged._

"I'll stay with you forever; it's okay, I've got you. I love you."

"_I trust you."_

The last thing I felt was a sharp pain shooting through my chest, but it didn't matter; she was here, forever.

* * *

**A/N**

**First, there are no words to express how you guys made me feel after the last update. Thank you so, so much for your support, it's heartwarming to know how much you guys care. And also, I'd like to note that I did not receive a review from miss brutally honest. So, YAH. LOL**

**So I have been in Austin with iambeagle for ACL since last Friday and haven't had internet until now. But I figured you guys would rather have another chapter than wait for me to do replies. Yeah? ;) **

**Thanks to Perry and all my prereaders who even though they cried and threw things at me, told me this chapter was, well, as it was supposed to be. **

**More soon!**

**love you guys!**

**~Liv**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five**

**BPOV**

_This is Edward; leave a message._

I pressed the end button and rocked my phone back and forth in my hands as I chewed on the inside of my cheek. I still hadn't been able to reach him today even though I'd called over and over again.

I dropped my purse and phone in the bin and slipped my shoes off before stepping forward and passing through security. The same gnawing feeling of unease slithered up my spine as doubt spread from the recesses of my mind like an infectious disease, poisoning and deteriorating all the small fragments that had slowly began to heal.

Was I doing the right thing? What would I find once I got there? What if he was really done with me? What if it was something else entirely?

I shuffled to my gate and fell into a chair as far away from the other passengers as I could get and pulled in deep, steady breaths. I remembered his words from the last conversation we had. How he told me he loved me, that he would never love anyone else, that it didn't matter.

It didn't matter.

He had been drugged. He was given a substance that inhibited his ability to control his actions. He didn't sleep with someone else because he was tired of me, of us, or our relationship. He loved me.

My breaths began to steady, and my vision cleared. He _loved_ me. He loved_ me_. And I loved him. And this was going to work, because the alternative wasn't an option.

I pulled out my phone again, butterflies erupting in anticipation of seeing his face, soaking in the heat of his skin, and feeling the electricity of his touch.

I jerked in surprise when it rang, my brows knitting in confusion as Rose's name flashed across the screen. Our interactions had basically been nonexistent since I figured out Emmett's intentions to hide the truth about Edward from me.

"Hello."

"Bella." She exhaled, her voice tight.

"Rose, hey." An awkward silence fell, and for a moment I thought the call had dropped until I heard her pull in a deep breath.

"Where are you? Are you at work or home or..." she trailed off.

"I'm at the airport actually." I felt that same jolt of excitement and anxiety, and suddenly I wanted to tell her everything.

I'd avoided everything and everyone that had reminded me of Edward with embarrassing efficiency. If I was going to try and make things work with him, should I also try and repair all of the other broken relationships in my life?

"Oh thank God. You already know." Her relief was palpable, however her comment had the exact opposite effect on me because my entire frame stiffened with dread. The same feeling that something wasn't right washed over me once more.

"Know what?" I whispered, my throat tight.

The silence on the line was deafening.

"Know what, Rose?" Fear spiked and caused my voice to harden, my words to sharpen.

"That Edward's in the hospital." Her voice was so soft I had to strain to catch her words, and once I did, I suddenly wished I hadn't. She was calling about Edward― and he was...where?

"Rose, you need to speak up, and you need to tell me what the hell is going on, because I'm starting to freak out a little." That was a lie; I was already freaking out, and a hell of a lot more than a little.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." Her voice broke as she sucked in a ragged breath, and my knees wobbled and buckled with each choking sob that slipped past her lips.

"Wha- why are you sorry?" I leaned forward, the room spinning, a cold sweat breaking out across my forehead.

"Marcus came by and he told Emmett about what happened, about that skank Alice, and―" She sucked in another sharp breath before her words came rushing out all at once. "It's bad, Bella; oh my God, it's so bad. Marcus said he'd moved back into your old apartment, and he's on drugs, bad drugs. He went to see him, and Edward had coke, and pills, and God knows what else all over the apartment. He said he was talking crazy, and that he just didn't know what to do."

"What?" I choked, my heart pounding in my chest, everything spinning, spinning, spinning.

"He's messed up. Marcus came by last night and told Emmett that he didn't know what to do, asked him to go by and check on him. So he did, but Edward didn't answer, and Emmett― I don't know; he had a bad feeling, so he kicked the door open, and Edward― there was blood all over his face, and he wasn't breathing."

He's not dead. I'd feel it. I know I would; my heart would have stopped with his.

"Where is he, Rose?" I gasped.

"Harborview. Edward still has you listed as his emergency contact; the doctors need you to make some-"

"Don't, Rose," I begged, my teeth gritted as I tried to hold everything together. "I can't. Just...my flight is about to board. I'll go straight to the hospital from the airport. Can you―" I swallowed thickly as I tried to blink away the spots dancing in front of my eyes. "Will you go there? I don't want him to be alone. Please?"

"Yeah, Bella, I will. Be safe."

"Thanks."

Boarding. Edward. Seat belts. Edward. Take off. Edward. Beverage service. Edward. Flight. Edward, Edward, Edward.

Drugs. He'd overdosed; she didn't have to come right out and say it; I knew. Everything suddenly made so much more sense: all the times he felt so disconnected, how he'd talk to me, but not really. Had he been high? Did he even remember that we'd talked?

Was what he said about Alice the truth?

Bile burned hot in the back of my throat. He wouldn't lie about that. Would he?

No.

Yes.

_No._

It didn't matter. Not now. Not when he was in the hospital and he could―no. He would be fine. And even if...even if he lied, I knew now, living without him, it wasn't an option. I would have to deal with whatever obstacles we faced, but at least we'd have each other. We'd get through it, together.

The flight was painfully long. My face remained turned toward the window, hiding my tear-stained cheeks from prying eyes. By the time we'd landed and were finally off the plane, nerves had wrecked my body.

With shaky legs, I ran out of the airport, pushing and shoving people along the way. I didn't have time to be polite. I flagged down the first cab I saw and threw myself inside, slamming the door behind me.

"Harborview Medical. You can have an extra fifty if you break every speed limit there is to get me there."

The driver nodded and punched the gas pedal, the car lurching forward. I powered up my phone, my heart hammering against my chest as I watched message after message flash across my screen: Rose and Emmett asking when my flight got in. Esme telling me she loved me. And an unknown number with a Seattle area code that I just knew would end up being the hospital.

I clutched my phone and kept my eyes forward. I'd be at the hospital before an actual doctor made it to the phone. Besides, I doubted I could dial a number at the moment anyway.

Money in hand, I watched as the hospital came into view. I slung the bills over the seat and sprinted from the car before it came to a complete stop. I had one thought and one thought only―getting to Edward.

I pushed through the doors of the emergency room, my eyes immediately landing on a pacing Emmett. His head was down as he stared at the phone clasped in his hand. I barreled toward him, everything from the past eight months erased, replaced with the unyielding need to have my best friend wrap me in his arms and promise that everything was going be okay.

His head snapped up right before I collided into him, his wide red-rimmed eyes surprised for only a second before his arms wrapped around me, smothering me in his warmth. Salty ocean air and bon fire warmth engulfed me― drowning me in pinky promises and best friend love.

"Bella Bug." His voice was strained and so full of emotion I thought he would explode. "I'm so sorry."

I shook my head, burying my face in his chest and inhaling deeply. "No, not now. Nothing matters but Edward."

"I'm so sorry I didn't know. I was so mad at him after everything that happened. I should have called him; I should have checked in on him. Maybe I could have, I don't know, maybe I could have done..._something."_

"And maybe I could have stayed, maybe I could have trusted the last eight years of our lives and not given up so easily. But I did, and there isn't anything that can be done about that now; we have to focus on now― on Edward. Tell me, Emmett, please, what happened?"

"Marcus came over, told me how Edward had been fucked up on drugs," he hesitated before adding, "pretty much since you left."

I sucked in a sharp breath, my chest cracking as I thought about my excitement over a new job, my friendship with Esme and Carlisle―my relationship with Royce. All the while I was moving on with my life, Edward was drowning in us, in our lives together.

"Because I left?" I'm not sure he even heard me; I couldn't hear me over the roaring in my ears.

"Bella, you can't blame yourself."

"Tell me. I need to know."

"I went over, thinking I'd just yell at him, I don't know, but when he didn't answer the door, something dropped inside of me, fear, dread." He shook his head. "I don't know, but I had to get inside the apartment."

He sighed and pulled me further into the corner, away from prying eyes and a few people that I was more than certain were paps.

"Please don't make me go into detail about what I saw when I kicked his door in, Bella. I just can't; don't ask me to, for both our sakes."

I nodded. "He OD'd." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah."

"Coke?"

"And more."

"Fuck." My eyes stung and my throat burned. How did I not realize?

"Bella...he's not awake."

"What?" My chest hurt, the pounding of my heart bruising..

"It's bad, Bella. The doctors, they say he's had to have been on a binge for over a week. And no one has heard from him; he doesn't even look like Edward anymore."

"When was the last time Marcus saw him?" My throat was tight, my vision blurry.

"I'm not sure, last week, maybe five days?"

I felt sick. "Emmett, I need―where is the restroom?"

"There." He pointed toward the wall in the back.

I vomited before I could lift the lid, nothing but water and bile erupting from my stomach and spilling past my lips.

Was it the same day I'd told him about Royce? It had to be. I'd talked to him almost everyday until that conversation. Oh my God, this was my fault...he...he―I broke him.

I vomited again.

I staggered out of the bathroom and crossed the room to Emmett once more, my body floating and disconnected, a part of me breaking and pulling away. I needed to see Edward, I needed to see him_ now_.

The urgency clenching in my chest terrified me; it felt like he was slipping away. I could still feel him, but it was distant― fading, even though I was closer now than I had been in the last eight months.

I was too fucking scared to consider what that meant.

"I need to see him. Now."

"I know, Bella Bug, but the doctors need to talk to you first, just for a minute. If it wasn't important, I wouldn't even tell you."

"Fine."

Emmett led me down the hall toward an older man in a white coat, his arms full of charts, his face weathered.

"This is Bella Swan, Edward Masen's emergency contact."

"Ms. Swan." He nodded. "I'm Dr. Crosby..."

I should have paid more attention to the doctors. I should have caught more than bits and pieces about kidney failure, severe liver damage, and a possible heart attack at the age of twenty four. But all I could see was the love of my life―the man that made my life worth living―lying motionless in a bed across the hall, looking nothing like the vibrant soul I remembered―nothing but a shell of skin and bones.

I broke all over again.

"Can I see him? I need to see him?" Tears streaked down my cheeks as I pleaded with the doctor to let me into the room to touch him, kiss him, tell him how fucking much I loved him.

"Only for a few minutes; he's about to be taken back for a few more tests."

I nodded, pushing off the wall I'd been leaning on for support and crossing the hall to his room. A puff of sterile air washed over my face as I entered the room, my steps faltering the closer I got.

His face was ashen, deep bruises rimmed his eyes, dried blood crusted under his nose and at the side of his mouth, his cheeks sunken.

This was all wrong, this wasn't how things were supposed to be―ever. This wasn't my Edward; it couldn't be. No, this was a mistake. I could prove it.

I yanked open my purse and pulled out a handful of tissues, wetting them before scrubbing at the blood on this stranger's face. I just had to get it off, show the doctors this was someone else, that my Edward was at home waiting for me, and he was going to wrap me in his arms and tell me he loved me― that forever really did mean forever.

But the moment my body touched his, I knew, because my heart sang and goose bumps raced across my skin. I smoothed his matted, dirty hair back as tears spilled from my face to his.

His body jerked, his arm snapping up and wrapping around mine like a vice, his eyes moving rapidly behind closed lids.

"Oh, baby." I fell onto his chest, my cheek pressed against his rapidly beating heart. Suddenly all of the monitors in the room started beeping, and people rushed into the room. A nurse tried to pull me back, but when I made to move, his hold tightened to the point of pain.

"Heart rate increasing; it's too much, too fast."

"Calm down, honey, I'm here, Edward, baby, please."

"Ma'am, you have to _move_." The nurse pulled harder, but it wasn't necessary― there was no resistance as his hand fell limply to the bed. Suddenly all of the frantic beeping stopped, replaced with a heart-shattering steady one.

I pushed my way to the other side of the bed, ignoring the demands and protests of the hospital staff. I grabbed his face and turned it toward me, my jaw clenched.

"Don't!" I spat, fear causing my body to surge with anger and desperation. "Don't you do that. You fight for me, damnit. I'm not ready, I'm not ready to lose you. You stop that right now."

He's coding! It's too much! NURSE, CODE BLUE!"

"Edward, no. No, baby, no. Stay with me, please.I'll stay with you forever; it's okay; I've got you. I love you."

Time stood still as they shocked him with paddles over and over again. The flatline of the heart monitor carving me into a million pieces. And then, _then_...

_beep...beep...beep..._

I backed away from the bed, my body colliding with the wall before falling to the floor, choking sobs wracking my body, but that beep― it was the sweetest sound I'd ever heard.

People came and went, timid and shy, afraid to look me in the eye. Their guilt for standing by and watching him fall apart more than evident by their slumped posture and drawn faces.

I never left his side: eating, sleeping and showering in the hospital, terrified that he would wake up and I wouldn't be there. I wanted to be the one he saw when he opened those beautiful green eyes.

Nine days passed before it finally happened.

His fingers twitched as the heart monitor slowly increased. My breath caught as his eyes began to flutter and his hand balled into a fist. I pressed the call button over and over again, fear and excitement exploding inside of me.

The nurse moved around him, checking his pulse, pulling open his eyes, writing down notes―silent. It was killing me.

"Is he waking up? Is he okay?"

She turned to speak just as his voice floated across the room.

"Bel-" His voice was raspy and low, but it didn't matter, because he was awake.

I darted around the nurse and grabbed his hand, swallowing the lump in my throat as I tried to answer him.

"Edward, I'm here, baby." I smoothed my hand over his face, shaking my head when his eyes started to close.

"No, baby, stay awake; let me see your eyes."

"Are you real?"

"I'm real. I'm here, baby." My words were thick, choked by the emotions swelling inside of me.

"You never let me touch you. Can I touch you?"

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, my shoulders shaking with each shuddering breath. With trembling hands, I wrapped my fingers around both his wrists and lifted his hands to my face, placing one on either side.

My eyes fell shut when his grip tightened and his fingers twisted into my hair, pulling me forward.

"You can always touch me, baby."

He licked his lips, his tired eyes widening slightly, as a tiny flicker, a spark of something flashed in his eyes.

"You're really here. Oh, Bella."

I pressed our foreheads together, my lips ghosting over his as I spoke. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry for so much. But I'll never leave again."

"Do you promise?" His voice broke as he struggled to speak.

"I promise. I love you."

"Forever?" He asked, his lips pressing against mine.

My entire body slumped into his when our lips connected. Two souls ripped apart, tortured and punished by love, deceit, lies, and life were finally together again. And as long as there were breaths in our bodies, they'd never be parted again.

"Forever."

* * *

**A/N**

***pulls on Kevlar for this A/N***

**So I have a story to tell you guys. A few month ago, I'm sitting in a martini bar in downtown Knoxville with my friend Julie. And I'm hounding her to read GH and she is ADAMANT in her refusal. So I plied her with liquor and got her to do it anyway, kicking and screaming the entire way. I dragged her heart through the mud right along with you guys, even though I knew she didn't read this kind of story. **

**And in the end, she loved it, but the journey made her cry on more than one occasion. So when I sent her this chapter, and told her it was the last one, that Glass House was always meant to end here she nodded in understanding, only pouting just a little. Because for me, this story was about the lives of two people being ripped apart, but still somehow, against all odds, finding their way back to each other. And ending it here it lets the readers imagine their futures any way they want.**

**BUT, then I started thinking, _fuck_, don't my readers DESERVE more? Because I know how I see the future, and maybe you guys might like to have my vision of their future, too? I mean, you guys have been just, amazing. And so I told Julie, this may not be it brah, I may have more. And she shrugged and said, it's your story Liv, you do what feels right. So I let it go, but just like in the beginning of this story these characters started talking to me again. And they weren't ready to let go just yet. They had more to say. And so, I wrote more. **

**The reason for the Kevlar? Because my dear friend Julie has not read this addition. Why you ask? Because it's a surprise and I'm dedicating it to her for supporting me, putting up with my crazy, and for being an amazing friend in general. And she may just kill me for making her wait. Which is why the next chapter will come very soon, because when it's all said and done, I'd really rather not die. Just sayin.**

**Thanks to Perry and my lovely prereaders. I love y'all like whoa.**

**And thank all of you. Seriously, much love. **

**See ya soon!**

**~Liv**


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Six**

**BPOV**

_Three years later..._

I stared out the window, watching as snow blanketed the city of Chicago, the bright white making everything look pure, new. I remembered the snow in Seattle, and on the rare occasion, Forks, but it never looked like this. It never covered every square inch of earth until it felt like you'd been transported to another time and place.

I drew in a shuddering breath and closed my eyes tight, trying to fight against the sadness that suddenly swept over me.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Esme whispered, her voice soft and soothing as she passed me a cup of coffee. I inhaled deeply, the steam washing over my face, the warmth of the mug soaking into my skin as my fingers wrapped around it.

"It's hard," I confessed, my eyes stinging. "I miss him so much."

"Oh, honey, I know you do," she soothed, rubbing her hand over my back. "I wish I knew what to say."

"It's okay; I'm glad you came by, although I still think it's funny you made me take a snow day."

"Eh, ever since this happened." She laughed, rubbing her hand over her swollen stomach. "Dad doesn't have any complaints with Carlisle. I have to find some way to mess with him."

"And telling him I wasn't used to the snow, even though I've lived here over three years was the way to do that?" I quipped, wiping away the residual tears wetting my cheeks.

"My dad loves you, Bella; he would have come up with some reason to give you the day off anyway; I just beat him to it."

"Well, he could have spent the day with me, you know? I kinda have a crush on Liam; he's hot."

"Oh my God, Bella, stop. That's so gross." She made a gagging sound as she spoke, causing me to laugh hard enough to spill coffee all over my hands.

"Shit!" I gasped, wiping my hands over my jeans.

"That's what you get for macking on my Dad." She snorted.

"Whatever; he's totally doable."

"I'm leaving if you say one more word that involves sex and my Dad," she warned, a smile on her face.

"Fine, fine. You're no fun at all."

I looked back out the window, the momentary light, happy feeling passing as quickly as it began.

Esme noticed; she noticed everything.

"You know, he's in a better place, right? All of the suffering, the pain he was in trying to get better; it's over now. He's at peace, Bella."

"It's just so unfair," I croaked, "it was too soon; he was too young; he's supposed to be here."

Everything in my life was falling into place, everything was on the mend...until it wasn't.

"You know if you want to talk, I'm here. Anytime. I'm just down the hall."

"I know." I nodded, reaching up and squeezing her hand, offering her a small smile even though what I really wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry about all of the things that I―that _we_―had been cheated out of.

"Call me later?"

"Sure."

The click of the door behind her left me alone again―the silence deafening.

I gazed impassively at the clock, my body registering that it was time to eat, but my heart and mind were too weary to bother. I hated today. Today was the anniversary of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced in my life.

I sat by the window until my coffee was cold and my legs were stiff. With a resigned sigh, I uncurled my legs and slipped my socked feet onto the floor, Edward's shirt falling down my thighs as I stood.

_My shirt_, I reminded myself. The one I always wore when I needed to feel close to him.

I shuffled into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge door, shaking my head at the sad shape of my food supply. The phone rang, causing me to jump, the sudden break of the silence sending my heart into my throat.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella."

I smiled, the sound of Royce's voice the first thing that actually made me smile all day.

"Hey."

"How're you doing?"

"I'm―"

"If you say you're fine, I'm leaving work right now to smack you," he interrupted.

"So violent," I teased.

"Yeah, yeah. So honestly, are you okay?" His voice was so soft, genuine, and I never felt more grateful for him being a part of my life.

"Yeah," I whispered.

He was quiet for a second before he finally acquiesced that I was okay, and then promised to see me soon.

I closed the fridge and walked into the living room, falling onto the sofa and pulling my knees under my shirt until I was covered in as much of it as I could be.

I drifted in and out of sleep until the sound of the front door opening roused me. Warm lips pressed against mine as chilled fingers slid under the edge of my shirt.

"Hey, baby."

I opened my eyes slowly, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth as Edward's bright greens came into focus.

"What are you doing here?" I scooted back on the couch as he slid in beside me and pulled me into his side.

"I skipped my last class; my professor was cool."

"You left without waking me this morning," I accused, threading my fingers through his.

"You looked so tired, I wanted to let you get some rest. Plus, I knew I'd be home early. You didn't really think I'd leave you alone all day, did you?" He reached up and cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing softly over my skin before he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine.

"You shouldn't have skipped class, but I'm really glad you did," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck and crawling into his lap as he surrounded me in his warmth and hugged me close.

"I miss him too, you know? He was like a father to me. Especially after―" he broke off, his eyes taking a faraway look.

"I remember."

After Edward was released from the hospital, and I learned the true extent of just how far he'd fallen, I called my dad. Between the two of us, we got Edward set up in rehab, and not one single second of it was easy.

"_Bella, oh my god, this hurts; I can't do this. Please give me something; I need something." Edward begged, his arms clutched around his stomach as he leaned over the toilet, his face ashen and covered in sweat._

"_I can't," I choked, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaming down my face, his pain tearing me apart. "Edward you have to be stronger. It'll get better; I promise." His response was nothing more than a gurgle as he vomited in the toilet over and over again._

All of the time we'd been torn apart, my stubborn, blind reaction to what happened that night had rendered me completely unable to stop and think that maybe, _just maybe, _something wasn't right―and it nearly destroyed us both.

My guilt about how I stuck my head in the sand and drowned my pain by drinking myself into an oblivion, not to mention running away from my problems instead of dealing with them, finally forced me to see that I should talk to someone...professionally.

My dad was there throughout it all. I flew back and forth from Chicago to Seattle twice a month for the six months Edward was in rehab, and we talked almost every day. But my Dad...he was with Edward every free second he had. They never went into detail about what they did, but I knew whatever it was, it had an impact on Edward's recovery.

After six months in rehab, Edward was finally ready to be on his own. He'd gained a healthy amount of weight, his face more like the one I remembered and not the one I'd seen in the hospital that still haunted my dreams. A face that, were it not for the beeping of the heart monitor, I would have thought belonged to a dead person. And for all intents and purposes, I guess it did.

"_So," he whispered, taking a hesitant step closer and sliding his hand down my arm until his fingers brushed mine._

_I shook my head and smiled at him softly as I threaded my fingers through his and squeezed as hard as I could._

"_Ouch!" he yelled, bending forward and trying to pull his hand from mine. "What was that for?" _

"_Don't be hesitant with me. Don't be unsure. I love you. I want you. Only you," I promised, reaching around his waist and pulling him close, the smell of his aftershave making my stomach tighten._

"_I just―this is the first time we've stood together with no barriers, no watchful eyes." _

"_Then I think we should take full advantage of that," I said, lifting up on my toes and pressing my lips to his._

"_Baby," he groaned, wrapping both of his arms around me and pressing every inch of our bodies together. "So we're really doing this?"_

_I knew what he was asking. We'd discussed with both of our therapists where we planned on taking our relationship once he was released from rehab. To say we disagreed on that subject would be a gross understatement. _

_But at the end of the day, this was our life, and even though they were concerned that picking up our relationship would be detrimental to his recovery, we knew better. Being apart wasn't the answer, being apart was the most painful experience of both our lives, and we refused to ever be separated again. _

"_We're really doing this."_

"_When do we leave?"_

"_Tomorrow. But right now, we're going to a hotel and stripping down until not one part of your skin isn't touching mine."_

"Hey," he whispered against my ear, his arms tightening around me. "Where'd you go?"

I shook my head and burrowed into his chest. "I'm here. I was just thinking."

He hummed and lifted his hand, his fingers pulling through my hair in slow, soft strokes. We stayed that way, the quiet no longer as suffocating as it once had been. I tried not to think about that time in our lives, when everything fell apart, but it was so hard on days like today.

"I was thinking about before you moved here."

His hand stilled, and he pulled in a deep breath. "When before?"

"Not about that; I was thinking about Dad and how much he helped us."

"Yeah. He...I don't know what I would have done without him."

**EPOV**

I stared out the window, holding Bella against my chest as I tried to get a handle on my own emotions. Remembering Charlie, and all of the ways he helped, when he acted like more of a father than my own ever did, always caused an aching feeling of loss.

_I stumbled out of the bathroom, my chest tight, a familiar bitter taste coating the back of my throat, that had nothing to do with vomit. Cravings they called them, triggers that could trick the mind with tastes and smells. It was pure fucking torture. _

"_Do you want to step outside for a smoke?" Charlie asked, his voice causing me to flinch in the too quiet room._

"_Yeah," I mumbled, my throat scratchy._

_We walked down the hall and out the back door, the first traces of spring beginning to show, even though the air was still too cold to stay outside for very long._

_I lit a cigarette and took a long pull, trying to extinguish the burn in the back of my throat. Charlie sat patiently beside me, his eyes facing forward, giving me the opportunity to pull myself together. _

_I sighed heavily and leaned my elbows on my knees, my hands falling limply in front of me. _

"_Still having a tough time?" He tried to sound casual, but his concern was impossible to conceal._

"_I have my good days and bad days." The good days were getting more frequent, but after three months, the bad days still brought me to my knees like a boulder had been dropped on my head._

"_I need you to be stronger than the addiction Edward," he said, his voice suddenly serious, his eyes wide with a touch of panic._

"_I'm trying."_

_He shook his head, his face conflicted. "I need you to do more than that, Son. I know how unfair it is of me to put that kind of pressure on you, to make you promise things that may be out of your control, but I'm going to do it anyway."_

"_Charlie, what's going on?" My heart began beating a little faster at the hint of desperation in his voice, my stomach tightening._

"_I just need to know that my baby is going to be taken care of when I'm gone." He dropped his gaze from mine and pulled in a deep breath. "I don't want her to be alone."_

"_Bella's my whole world; she's my reason for everything."_

"_And you almost threw it all away."_

_I hung my head, feeling ashamed and chastised at the truth of his words. "I know."_

"_I'm not trying to hurt you, Edward. I've always thought of you as my son, and my need for you to get better isn't just about Bella. When I found out what happened..." he trailed off, his glassy eyes meeting mine, causing my chest to burn. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again, his words strained. "When I didn't know if you were going to make it, I can't imagine what I felt would have been any different if you had been my biological son."_

_I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks. "I'm sorry for disappointing you both," I choked._

"_None of that matters now; you just have to get better. For you and for Bella."_

_I nodded, but his previous comment nagged at me. "I have no intentions of letting the addiction win, but I'm not the only person Bella has. She has you, too."_

_His low grunt and quickly shifting eyes caused my stomach to bottom out._

But I did make it through those six months of hell. Intense therapy, intense cravings, intense everything. I was one of the lucky ones, though, because I didn't have to go through it alone; I had a support system, more than I deserved.

Charlie, Bella, Emmett; they were my rock. Even Jamie and Vic came around after a few months. Both were hesitant, unsure how their presence would be accepted, but I didn't blame them. At that point in my life, I wasn't someone who could be reasoned with.

When I first moved to Chicago, to say it was awkward would have been putting it mildly. Bella had a life here: a job, new friends...an ex-boyfriend. It still stung to know she was with someone else, even though logically, I knew I had no right to be upset. But when it came to matters of the heart, logic was very rarely a consideration.

I found a support group and a therapist, trying to keep my head above water, to not let my insecurities and doubts mess with my head. I knew Bella and I were forever. I'd always known, but accepting we'd been thrown so far off track was still hard; it still hurt.

While in rehab, I'd decided to go back to school, finish my degree. I loved my music; it was my passion, but I couldn't go back; I couldn't live that lifestyle any longer. I was impatient to start, wanting nothing more than to jump right in as soon as I moved, but Bella pushed for me to take it easy, to not put that kind of pressure on myself for a while.

It wasn't like we needed the money. Between the two of us, money would never be an issue. But having all of that free time scared the shit out of me. When Bella suggested I start playing again, like I used to, before agents and tours and all of the other bullshit, I balked. My fear of relapsing, of putting myself in that setting, of losing her...none of those scenarios were an option for me.

But Bella's confidence, her belief that I was strong enough, gave me the courage to try. It turned out to be exactly what I needed. It was an outlet, without the pressure, and made those first six months in Chicago absolutely perfect.

And then everything changed.

"_Hey, Dad." Bella grinned, holding her phone to her ear with her shoulder as she stirred whatever was in the pot that had my mouth watering._

_She frowned, her brows creasing as she pushed the pot away from the burner and grasped the phone in her hand. "But I thought you were coming here for Thanksgiving." _

_I stepped in front of her, bending my knees until we were eye level, giving her a questioning look. She widened her eyes, her expression bewildered as she shrugged her shoulders._

_She was quiet for a second, her face morphing from confusing to worrisome. "What's wrong?" she asked in a whisper._

_She nodded, even though he couldn't see her. When she raised her eyes to mine, they were glassy with unshed tears, and with a sinking feeling of dread, I knew nothing good was going to come from this._

"_We'll be on the next flight out," she promised, already moving to the bedroom._

"_What's going on?" I asked, pulling a suitcase out of the closet._

"_I don't know; he said he'd tell us when we got there." Her voice was strained, anxious._

_I walked over to her and pulled her shaking hands into mine. "Let me do this; you go call Esme and let her know what's going on." _

_She bit the inside of her cheek, a habit she'd had for as long as I'd known her, before pushing up on her toes and kissing me quickly. "Thank you."_

_I packed our bags while she called Esme and then booked our flight. The entire trip to Forks I held her hand, both of us silent as we tried to work out exactly what Charlie was going to tell us._

_When we walked through the front door, I had to grab Bella by her shoulders and pull her to my chest to keep her from falling into a heap on the floor. Not that I was in much better shape, my knees nearly buckling as I took in Charlie's gaunt, vacant expression, his skin a sickly yellow._

"_Dad," she cried, her nails digging into my arms as she clung to me. _

_I wrapped an arm around her waist and moved us into the living room, my eyes locked on Charlie as he stared helplessly at Bella._

_We sat shell-shocked as Charlie told us he'd been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer last November. A year ago. He'd been dying for a year and never breathed a word to anyone. The conversation we had while I was in rehab made sense now; he wanted to make sure I'd be there for Bella when he died. _

_I felt sick._

_Bella shook and cried as he told us about the treatments he'd undergone―how he'd tried so hard to fight it, but it was too advanced―there was nothing else he could do._

"_How long?" Bella rasped._

"_Maybe three months." _

_She fell apart all over again. _

_After hours of discussion, Bella decided to take a leave of absence from her job, and we both moved into Charlie's house. Thankfully, he didn't protest, wanting to spend as much time with us as he possibly could. _

_For Christmas, Bella went all out: decorating a huge tree in the living room, cooking a Christmas dinner Charlie couldn't eat, and showering him with gifts that he'd never use. But she needed to do it, so he let her. _

"_Edward?" she whispered, propping herself up on one elbow to look down at me. _

_I blinked a few times to wake myself and shifted so I was facing her. "Yeah?"_

"_You know how I told you I didn't want anything for Christmas?"_

_I scowled even though I knew she couldn't see me in the dark. I was still pissed about her adamant refusal to let me buy her anything. "Yes."_

"_Well, I've changed my mind. There is something I want," she said, her voice soft and hesitant._

"_Yeah?" I smiled, sitting up until my back was against the headboard._

"_Yeah."_

"_Anything you want, baby. You know that," I promised, reaching up to push her hair away from her face._

"_I want my dad to give me away."_

_I stared at her, my brows pulled down in confusion as I processed her words._

"_Wha―" _

"_We're forever, right?" she interrupted. _

"_Of course." I breathed, my throat tight._

"_Then marry me. What are we waiting for? Haven't we wasted enough time?" she implored, her eyes wide, her hands fisting the front of my shirt._

"_Bella, there is nothing in this world I want more than to marry you." _

_I pulled her face to mine, my lips touching hers softly as my thumbs swept away the tears falling from her eyes. _

_She leaned back, a small smile on her face as she laced her fingers with mine. "Edward Masen," she said formally, fighting to keep a straight face, "will you do me the honor of being my husband?"_

_I chuckled at her exaggerated hopeful expression before pulling my hands from hers and clasping them over my heart. I sighed dramatically before responding in a high voice. "Yes, yes, oh my God, yes!"_

_She laughed and smacked my arm, her smile wide . I grabbed her around her waist and lifted her until she was straddling me, her laughter slowly fading as she took in my serious expression. _

"_Bella, I love you so much. You're my entire world. I'd marry you a thousand times in a thousand different lives, because there's no way in any life at any time we wouldn't be meant for each other."_

_On January thirteenth I watched as Charlie, in too much pain to walk, clasped Bella's hand in his as he was rolled down the aisle in a wheelchair. When the minister asked who was giving the bride away, Charlie smiled, his eyes welling with tears as he stated as clearly as possible, "Her mother and I."_

_Emmett, Rose, Esme, Carlisle, Jamie, and Vic were the only people in attendance, just the way we wanted it: small, intimate._

_Nineteen days later our lives were changed forever._

"_Daddy?" Bella whispered, wrapping both of her hands around his and pulling it to her cheek._

"_I love you, baby girl." He sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes fluttering closed._

_I crossed the room and stood beside Bella, my arm wrapping around her shoulders, trying to offer her support as my own heart broke into a million pieces._

"_Please, Daddy, no."_

"_I miss your mama, baby." He sighed. "She's waiting for me."_

_It was the first of February that Charlie Swan took his last breath in this world and joined his long lost love in another._

_But we'd be okay, because we had each other._

"Are you hungry?" I asked, blinking back tears as I was reminded of how much I missed him.

"We don't have any food," Bella complained, her voice full of pout.

"I can go to the store, or we can go out..." It really didn't matter to me what we did, as much as I missed Charlie, I was here for her today.

"Pizza?" she smiled. I rolled my eyes.

"I think you purposely keep the fridge empty so you can order pizza all the time," I accused with narrowed eyes.

She shrugged, her face unapologetic. I laughed as I pulled my phone out and dialed the number.

"The usual Mr. Masen?" A young girl giggled in the phone.

I raised my brow at Bella and shook my head before answering. "The usual."

After Bella knocked back half a pizza, we ambled into the bedroom and turned the television on low, our arms wrapped around one another. When her breathing evened and her head rested heavily on my chest, I did what I'd done every night since I finally had her back in my arms, what I would do every night for the rest of our lives.

I thanked God for giving me a second chance at life―a second chance with my love―before brushing the hair from her face and gently pressing my lips to her forehead.

"Thank you for loving me as much as I love you."

* * *

**A/N**

***grabs y'all's hands and dances and twirls* Y'all didn't really think I was gonna kill Edward did you? **

**I'm kinda teary eyed right now writing this a/n because I'm so sad to end this story. But we got a glimpse of their lives, what happened over the last few years. I have a future take I'll add later that will be just fun so if you don't want to miss it put me on author alert.**

**HUGE GIGANTIC THANKS to Meg iambeagle for helping me get through this chapter. We spent lots of time in the doc working on it. **

**Okay, *sucks in deep breath* here goes.**

**Rose Arcadia, you made me a blog. You made me a facebook group. You pimped me hard. I love you even harder. Thank you for everything, it wouldn't have been the same experience without you.**

**To all of the people that rec'd, reviewed, tweeted, facebooked, smoke signaled, whatever-THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.**

**To all my prereaders, Julie, Modernsafari1, O_oza, Rose, Amber...jfc thanks for putting up with my crap. For seriously. Your input and encouragement got me through this monster.**

**And last but not least, Perry Maxwell I love you. Thank you for being my beta. And telling me when something sucked. Your honesty is one of my favorite things about you. See ya on the next one! ;)**

**Speaking of the next one...yeah, there's already a next one, the first chapter posts today. Hope y'all will check it out!**

**Much love to you all! OMG I HAVE ALL THE CREYS!**

**~Liv**


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